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Am feeling too fragile for AIBU, but..

(43 Posts)
LevantineHummus Fri 17-Feb-17 10:11:30 I being U to be upset at this?

My DB (or at least I thought was my "D"B) lives in Australia. He occasionally gets sent over to London for work, so he's reluctant to plan holidays here in case he then has to come over twice. By occasionally, I mean the last time was 3.5 years ago, but there have been a few times where it's come up again and then not happened. A couple of weeks ago he told me he may be coming in March, but wasn't sure, and would fly up to see us too. I was excited, but knew to wait and see. He said if the work trip didn't materialise this time, then he'd come over in our summer for a couple of weeks, because he has more leave than his partner this year and needs to take it.

Either way, I was happy.

Then I got an email saying his work trip is going ahead. He's coming to see us..arriving on a Thursday, leaving the Sunday.

He hasn't seen me or the kids (other than Skype) for 3.5 years and they're 3.75 and 5.5 respectively.

I am so disappointed. We can't afford the tickets to go to visit him and getting a big enough block of time off would also be a problem. We also couldn't stay with him so would have accommodation costs, car rental etc, none of which he has coming to stay with us (and we have a spare room and bathroom here, so no issues space wise at all). I asked if he had any flexibility about the days and he has just said that's when he's coming.

And he's definitely not coming in the summer now, because he'll have been over in March.

I have no other siblings and not in touch with either parent. I really value my relationship with him and make an effort to stay in touch. I think I'm probably kidding myself though, aren't I? If he really wanted to see us, or valued his relationship with me, he'd either be a bit apologetic about it being so short, or he'd have made it more than three nights.

I'm really crushed by this, but trying not to be, which is why I'm not putting it on the real AIBU.

Bluntness100 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:13:46

Yes I think you're being unreasonable, sorry, he's flying up specially to see you and your family and taking four days out of his schedule to do it.

NapQueen Fri 17-Feb-17 10:14:00

Honestly I think you need to (in the kindest way) give your head a wobble.

He has a job and a life on the other side of the world. It isnt easy to just come over. It isnt cheap either. It sounds to me like he comes when he can.

pictish Fri 17-Feb-17 10:14:52

Ehhm...I think three nights is sufficient time for a decent catch up.

Finola1step Fri 17-Feb-17 10:16:22

Ok, I hear that you are disappointed. But your brother is coming to visit. He hasn't cancelled. So start planning the nice things you will do together.

And perhaps start saving to go over there. Even of it takes you 10 years.

MommaGee Fri 17-Feb-17 10:18:19

Hrs over here with work sp presumably limited on free time anyway. I just think make the most of it and perhaps start putting money away in a jar with a view to going over say on a decade. He'll hopefully visit a few more times in the intervening years

CountUpTo3 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:19:57

It's great that you make an effort to keep in touch with your DB, and ensure that he sees the DC regularly through Skype. He's involved in your life and now he's coming over for a much-anticipated visit.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I wouldn't waste emotion on feeling disappointed, just make the most of his visit - and save up to visit him in a couple of years when the kids are a bit older. Are there any other reasons you're feeling so emotionally vulnerable right now?

TheAngryItch Fri 17-Feb-17 10:22:47

YABVU, sorry.

My best friend from Australia visited me for three or four days last year as part of a work-related trip. I was thrilled to bits and delighted that she'd wanted to see me enough to put a diversion into her schedule. Make the most of the time you have.

And you would be VU to expect him to come back separately another time a few months later. Have you ever done the hell-flight between Australia and the U.K.? Definitely not one you want to make more than is absolutely necessary - I certainly wouldn't do it any more than every couple of years, at most.

CityMole Fri 17-Feb-17 10:25:08

Och pet. I can totally understand your disappointment, in that you had mentally allowed for more time to spend with him and you're not getting that. However, he is coming to see you! for several days! You're going to have the most amazing time, unless of course you allow yourself to get in a fuddle over this and ruin it for yourself.

In your shoes I'd be trying so hard to get over any disappointment ASAP so that I could start getting excited about his visit, and planning what to do when he's there. I would honestly in your shoes try to see my cup as being half full, not half empty. Come on- give yourself a wee shake.

CatherineCawood Fri 17-Feb-17 10:26:52

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

I am just back from a trip to USA for work. I've only recently got over a bad fear of flying and haven't flown transatlantic for 12 years or anywhere for 7 years.

I tagged on 4 days at the end of the trip to see my sister who lives there. Was a extra 2.5 hours flight to get to her and the same back to the airport I was flying back to LHR from. I couldn't have stayed much longer as I had been away from home so long and wanted to get back to see my own kids. She can't affoard to come over here with her lot and I don't like flying. I'd not seen her for 6 years. She was thrilled to see me if only for 4 days and me her. You should be grateful to see him for any amount of time, especially if you can't afford to get there yourself.

LevantineHummus Fri 17-Feb-17 10:32:30


I have done the trip, which is exactly why I'm not in a rush to do it with my kids!

He's not taking four days out of his work schedule - he's doing his work and then visiting us as a holiday after it, so he doesn't have to pay for the flights over himself (fair enough!!). If he were paying for the flights himself, he would have stayed with us for a couple of weeks. There's no problem with extending the flight dates work-wise, this is his choice.

I guess I was hoping he'd actually want to spend proper time with us, get to know the kids a bit more (Skype is good, but it's not the same) given it's been three years since the last visit (4 days, limited by his partner's schedule and I didn't have a problem with that at all). I suppose if he hadn't said he'd be coming for a couple of weeks in the summer, I wouldn't have had hopes of more than a long weekend this time.

I do miss him a lot. And I'm a student, so until I finish studying (4-5 years time) and paying loans back, I won't be able to put much in the jar...

But thanks, i'm a bit emotional about this (haven't told him - and won't!!) so probably not thinking clearly.

LevantineHummus Fri 17-Feb-17 10:34:33

He doesn't mind flying and doesn't have kids. He has a partner and her dog - and she'll be looking after the dog.

LevantineHummus Fri 17-Feb-17 10:38:11

Thanks CityMole.

Basically all my family has died or I've gone NC with them over the past three years because of abuse. He's the only one left.

I have already got fun stuff planned and the kids will love seeing him - I am not going to waste those days! Just feeling pretty sad.

CityMole Fri 17-Feb-17 10:40:17

He still has a life though, a life that he will be keen to get back to after his work trip, which he is extending for you. For all you know he needs to get back ot work that following week- he may have other commitments- hell, you know what: maybe he's just keen to get back to his partner and their dog. Not having kids doesn't make his life somehow more disposable or less important than yours- you sound quite unpleasant when you mention his life status.
I think you are imputing far too much negativity into his intentions. You'll just end up winding yourself up, and he will know something is wrong, and it risks spoiling things (and not just for this visit).
You are obviously emotional about it, and that's ok, but you also need to get a grip now. It is what it is- make the most of it.

CityMole Fri 17-Feb-17 10:45:22

flowers I do understand how you must feel if he is essentially your only family left (outside of your children). Time to take a deep breath and try to make the best of it though smile

Costacoffeeplease Fri 17-Feb-17 10:45:30

I'm afraid I don't get it, he's coming, as he said he would. I think a few nights is plenty if he's staying with you

LevantineHummus Fri 17-Feb-17 10:50:08

Sorry, I was just replying to a pp who mentioned kids and flying fears. I was just clarifying that he doesn't have those commitments! I was kid-free for long enough so definitely don't think his life is more "disposable" than mine!!! Never even crossed my mind. I just genuinely thought he'd be staying for one, if not two weeks, because of what he'd said about visiting us in the summer. Then finding out it was basically two days and a bit on either side because of flight times was disappointing. That's all.

I'll stop now, because I don't want to be misconstrued and I think I am. This is my brother who I love dearly and really want to see more of.

user1484226561 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:51:37

Wow, if my brother stayed that long, I'd be over the moon.

SecondsLeft Fri 17-Feb-17 10:52:32

I can't bear staying with anyone, especially family for more than 2 nights. His visit sounds perfect to me (I would allow him the extra night as he has come so far grin.

Chewbecca Fri 17-Feb-17 10:56:32

I think 3 days is fine.

I'm not a very sensitive soul though. I suspect your brother isn't either and probably has no idea you are 'crushed' by this, he probably thinks you are pleased.

Try to enjoy the time you have, don't spoil it with your disappointment if you can help it.

Why not start a savings account an a long term plan for you and your family to have a big holiday there in the next few years, travel around the country, see all the sights?

neonrainbow Fri 17-Feb-17 10:57:48

But he's making the effort to come and see you but you cant/won't do the same. I don't think you get to be upset that is only 4 days.

Olympiathequeen Fri 17-Feb-17 11:03:29

I think u are being U because he is making an effort to see you but it's a work trip so he has other priorities too. I think it is sad that he doesnt do more but people and siblings to grow apart quite often as they grow older and have their own families, but often inevitable.

user1483387154 Fri 17-Feb-17 11:06:08

YABU. I can totally understand the disappointment from your side but you really are not being fair.

Lessthanaballpark Fri 17-Feb-17 11:07:24

I can see why you'd be disappointed because what you thought was two weeks has been whittled down to 3 nights.

You say he's probably trying to save on airfare as if that's penny pinching of him but it is a massive amount to be spending on coming again in the summer and it's perfectly reasonable of him to want to save that money.

You're not always going to be a student and student loans are minimal to pay back so one day you'll have the money to visit him.

Just concentrate on having the best time with him and put your hurt on hold for a while because you won't help your relationship if you're in a funk the whole time. But you already know that smileflowers

Quartz2208 Fri 17-Feb-17 11:08:05

Is he no contact with everyone else as well. I assume that drove his decision to go to Australia and start a new life.

But he still cares enough about you to come and visit at the end of his work trip. But whereas you want him to spend lots of time with your family and your home presumably he would like to get back to his life.

Has it also occurred to you that perhaps the summer trip would not just be two weeks with you but two weeks here

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