Unsure what to do.

[WonderingLover]

Hi. This is my first post to this site so forgive me if I'm not doing something right to terms. This is a long story ahead. there's no way of making this a TLDR post.
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I've been in a relationship with my husband for a good 3-4 years now. He's a few years older than I. We've been married since last March.

The past few months ever since near October of last year he's been acting strange. Something happened in October where he just seemed to have given up on what our relationship is. And it's weirding me out. Now hear me when I say, I've had my fair share of mistakes too. He is not alone to blame as the only bad thing I've ever done is be paranoid (ive been working on it). In October he started hiding posts behind my back saying he's tired of hearing me or tired of me saying concerned messages as if Im being some out of character angry wife; to Facebook, posting photos saying he's drunk. He went back to drinking and smoking and used an argument as an excuse to say why he's doing all of this. (He dropped all of it to be with me) He is too proud, too stubborn. Hes' now removed anything on Facebook that clearly says anything to do with us being married unless you directly go to the bio. So he appears single first hand.

After evading me, having so many arguments. I can't help but have extreme panic attacks. People come to me worried sending messages. I feel trapped as I don't know where to go. I don't have family back home anymore due to how they treated me. I have no friends here that could take me in. I'm pretty good at being alone. I tend to my own hobbies as usual. But it doesn't help that my gut feelings are becoming stronger and stronger every time he randomly becomes defensive and I have to put up with his moods. Lately I just don't put up with it anymore. He comes around whenever I act cool. If I don't pay him any attention, then its when he starts to be on me. But if I give him any attention whatsoever. Its "no, hands off". He constantly, and consistently rejects.

Last month in early January he comes home drunk one night, crying. Saying he's sorry for all hes done. (I still dont know what he did besides treat me wrong) And Im sure you all know of the "I love you, but im not in love with you" term. We haven't made love in 5-6 months. His family and his old friends say hes never cheated. That hes never done anything rash before. So why is he treating me like this? Why is he rejecting me? Why is he lying about his libido? Is this due to not feeling like hes cheating on whomever hes affair-ing with? I cant even say I know. Im left in the dark.

I feel so clingy and needy in terms of emotions. I feel so trashed and so numb. After claiming how much he doesn't want to be just like his dad. He's following the same path to that happened. and its as if Im going through what his mom went through.

Heres the best part:
I offered him to separate or divorce. Because for me. Im mentally drained. I love him but I don't wanna stay somewhere I don't want to be. Where I feel like im not wanted anymore. I want to lie and say im strong about this but im really not. Im already so crushed and hurt and taken advantage of. I cant keep my cool anymore around him. I accuse him and I know its wrong but right now I feel so vulnerable because of how emotion ridden I am. Im becoming indecisive with everything I do. He cries because he says hes lost interest and he hates himself and he wants me to stay. What do I make of this? He says he wants to work on us, but why does he do this to me?

After being treated like shit in November to last month's span (January) He finally has been coming around little by little. he's been finally more cuddly and attentive. And now he's even becoming rational which is unlike him. But it doesn't help the fact that hes put a password on everything now, been super vague about each day. He also doesn't like it if I do anything that questions where hes been or whereabouts. He blows up and will reply with the tone of "Its none of your business". I feel like im in a ''dead bedroom'' where theres no love. And hes only keeping me around due to feeling bad. So why wont he let me go? Is this some way of him getting off? I cant trust him anymore. I love him but I don't know what to do. Is there any advice on how to remain strong through all of this? I feel like no matter how much I do it eats away at me that my husbands hiding things. I want to hire a pi but I don't have the money, and I know its wrong.

Im just so tired.

[Boolovessulley]

Have you asked him what exactly he wants?
Does he want to make the telationship work or not.
He had already told you that he isn't in love with you which quite frankly is often code for' I am seeing someone else'.
Does he go out alone much? Could he be seeing another woman then?

[WonderingLover]

@Boolovessulley

He says he wants this to work. Recently whenever I feel like Im crying, he does show me attention, and pulls me to him. saying all is OK. He tells me he doesn't care why im crying but that he just wants me to be ok.

He recently made new friends at his job whom I find shady. Mainly a male best friend. but then again he got into a relationship. He talks about hanging with his friends as if theyre some type of getaway. No matter how much I question about him to his family. They all assure me hes not cheating or that he would never cheat.

He acts exactly like my past exs though whenever he cheated. Then again it would be wrong of me to put him in the shadow of my exs. It kills me that his behavior is so unorthodox.

[WonderingLover]

He acts exactly like my past exs though whenever they've cheated.* sorry, spelling error.

[WonderingLover]

Bumping this topic for attention.