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hand holding /practical advice needed please.

(19 Posts)
amysmummy12345 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:32:18

After just under five years of marriage dh and I have both decided it's over. We've both been unhappy for a while and we keep coming back to the conclusion we're not happy and would be better off apart.

We have a joint mortgage, I'm currently on maternity leave but going back to a temporary party time position after the half term holidays until May half term.

DH has been both passive aggressive and emotionally abusive towards me throughout our marriage on and off. Since we've decided to split he's adamant I should move out straight away and go and live with my elderly parents with our 3 year old and 8 month old (they live in a council property and my dad has terminal cancer). There's no way I could burden them with this shit.

I've said until I can go back to work full time I can see no other way of me supporting my two little girls on my own sad However I would rather not have to spend the next year living with him either (I don't want to put my youngest in full time care until she's two, plus if I go now I literally have nothing to my name.

What should/can I do? I know there's lots of very wise ladies on this board, many of whom have been in my situation. Many thanks.

ImperialBlether Thu 16-Feb-17 12:33:49

Hang on a minute! What's stopping him from moving out? It would be far easier to do that than to move with two little children.

You need to see a solicitor asap.

Mavisblewitt Thu 16-Feb-17 12:34:33

Why should you move out? He's being an arse 😡
You need to see a solicitor ASAP x

amysmummy12345 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:36:04

Thanks both. That was my last message to him, that we need to see a solicitor to see what's what, there's no way I'm budging just yet.

Lovelilies Thu 16-Feb-17 12:36:29

I have DC exactly the same age as yours. Tell him he needs to move out. See a solicitor asap
Sorry you're going through this flowers

amysmummy12345 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:37:24

I think that he thinks because he's the sole earner and bill payer that I should just go with only the clothes on my back hmm

Mavisblewitt Thu 16-Feb-17 12:39:22

Well he can think again!!
Sounds like you're well rid....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-Feb-17 12:56:05

Am sorry it has come to this, do get legal advice.

Fwiw my understanding is, it doesn't matter whose name matrimonial assets (incl. the house) are in, or who may have purchased what.
So, adamant or not, DH can't expect you to leave, unless you choose to do so of your own accord.

Ask someone qualified if, should you do decide to leave, you won't lose or limit your rights in respect of the family home or other marital assets.

Quartz2208 Thu 16-Feb-17 13:37:48

You should see separate solicitors. As you are married and have a joint mortgage you are entitled to far more than he thinks

amysmummy12345 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:26:32

Good point quartz he's just said he's sorting a solicitor, I'll make an appointment for my own. He also just said to make mine and kids tea as he will be late back (when we've had disagreements previously he goes into "oh I'm single now I can come and go as I please" mode), this time I said great, we actually get to eat what we like 😂

amysmummy12345 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:27:46

I think it helps that I've already mentally "checked out" of this relationship once and for all.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 16-Feb-17 15:11:17

Add no washing /ironing or shopping to the lists of don'ts too. Decide a date that you consider yourself single and apply for benefits from then if you think you would be eligible. . Even if he is still living there you can apply. See a solicitor ASAP. Gather relevant paperwork /bank statements - his - financial docs for cms etc. . You need to be on the ball. .

amysmummy12345 Thu 16-Feb-17 15:23:45

Good point moira what kind of benefits should I be applying for?

amysmummy12345 Fri 17-Feb-17 08:10:09

So last night the twat suggesed I get a doctors appointment to see if there was any medication I could take for my "behaviour" confused

CiderwithBuda Fri 17-Feb-17 08:19:02

Presumably you have a joint mortgage? And you contributed before you were on maternity?

There is a website called EntitledTo that I see recommended on here which will tell you what benefits you are entitled to.

Definitely get your own solicitor.

I know your ideal scenario would be for your youngest not to be in full time care till she is two but you might have to be flexible on that. You never know - you might be able to afford to keep the house with full time salary. Don't forget he will have to pay child maintenance.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 17-Feb-17 08:20:19

He sounds delightful, no wonder you've had enough. Get your own legal advice, things don't happen according to twatface's own private laws, he'll have to abide by the law of the land like everyone else

hellsbellsmelons Fri 17-Feb-17 08:28:12

All abusers use that line.
You don't want to be with me so there must be something wrong with you / you are crazy.
Don't fall for it.

Contact CAB today to ask about benefits and what you can apply for.
Check the child maintenance calculator to find out how much you will get from dickhead.
Maintenance plays no part at all in what you should get as benefits.

Everything is a martial asset and you will be entitled to at least half.
As you are main carer you should get a higher % of the house equity if you sell.
Assets include, cars, pensions, properties, savings, debts as well unfortunately.
Call a few solicitors and see who will give you a free half hour consultation.
See more than one and chose the one you are most comfortable with.

If he's be EA to you for years you could call Womens Aid and ask them for a solicitor in your area who deals with abusive cocks like your 'D'H

Get your paperwork together. Wage slips, account details, passports, marriage certificate, you will need this for a divorce.
Good luck and flowers for you.

amysmummy12345 Fri 17-Feb-17 09:30:19

Bless both of you, thank you for such good advice. It is a joint mortgage, we moved in when I was on maternity leave with my first DD, then worked for a year then went off on mat leave with my second DD. My contribution has mainly been food shopping, housework, looking after children, running my car and paying for little holidays here and there. Knob head pays all of the other household bills.

happypoobum Fri 17-Feb-17 09:38:17

You really do need to see a solicitor - as PP pointed out, you cannot share one.

Many will give thirty minutes free advice, and they can give you a full picture of the sorts of decisions your local courts would take/approve on a consent order.

Do not let him bully you out of your home. You may find that once he has taken legal advice he becomes far more conciliatory as he will be told he is the one who will be asked to leave most likely. Don't fall for it, just keep your head down and ride out the storm. flowers gin

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