Are we doomed?

[Frank87]

Hi guys,

So I have been with my newly crowed fiancé for two years now, getting married next October.

The issue is he has a fear of travelling. It was something he kept very quiet whilst we were dating and has come to light over the last 6 months or so. I didn't realise how big of a problem it is for him because he never mentioned it. It has now got to the point where I am trying my absolute hardest to be sympathetic and supportive but I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. He says he 100% wants to battle this for me but has made no effort to do anything towards figuring this out.

I am constantly offering other solutions; driving, trains, ferries etc but he isn't interested in that. We have been offered to go skiing in the New Year with my family which is something I LOVE but even though I said we can find an alternative travel route he won't even consider going as skiing isn't for him. Again, trying to find a way around it, I told him that we wouldn't have to ski, just enjoy a few days in the mountains but again he won't budge.

I have done a lot to include myself in his life, sometimes putting myself in situations that I feel uncomfortable with because I know it means the world to him that I am trying. I don't know what to do anymore. I am becoming increasingly frustrated with it and when I try to talk to him about it he says that I am being unsympathetic and making him feel like a let down.

Does anybody have any advice? I love him to pieces but I'm scared this is going to drive a wedge between us. Thanks in advance.

[peppatax]

Well are you both happy with you travelling and him staying at home?

[peppatax]

Is the fear of flying or just travelling full stop? I am not sure you can compare feeling uncomfortable to genuine anxiety

[peppatax]

I think you're only doomed if you can't come to a compromise you're both happy with. If he's going to block you travelling alone with any future DC then yes it might be doomed

[Guiltypleasures001]

Are you saying you have made all the sacrifices and he's hasn't? I wouldn't marry the man, not travelling at all is boring and sounds like it could soul,destroying for you op

How many excuses can you come up with for him to your family and friends, or will you have to give them up as well you think?

[Frank87]

I have tried the travelling on my own but I hate it. The whole time I am thinking about him and how much he is missing out on.

The main fear seems to be with losing control. He has issues being the passenger on long distance journeys for example.

When I said about putting myself in situations for him, I meant that I suffer with anxiety and the occasions I refer to have caused a great amount of anxiety and carry on to do so, but he is my main priority so I do it for him.

[peppatax]

Well there is the issue... unless it's reciprocal then you do have bigger problems. I wouldn't worry about what he's missing out on, his life, his choice.

If your relationship is otherwise fantastic I would work on a compromise otherwise this doesn't sound like a situation that will resolve itself if you get married

[Guiltypleasures001]

Two people with anxiety are going to feed off of each other, I wonder how much damage this is going to do to both of you. Misery loves company and rarely allows one half of a couple to start moving forward and recovering.

If your not careful you could,both end up living in isolation and misery, because neither want to leave the other behind.

[Creampastry]

I imagine his anxieties will impact on other activities/behaviours so you need to think carefully what impact this will have on your future with him ... if there is a future.

[Alpies]

So in the 2 years, you've never been on holiday together abroad?

Does he like going on hols at all?

Can you foresee life with someone where u can never go and explore new horizons together?

All depends on what u want. Some people would happily marry and live at home with the odd day trips to the coast and not feel the need to go skiing or go to a tropical beach hols.

I personally would reconsider marriage tbh. But then I love travelling. Always thought one of the big draw of getting hitched is to have a fabulous honeymoon.

[fc301]

So he can't relinquish control enough to get on a train? I'd being worrying about his need to control...

[Mo55chop5]

I had an ex who hated flying and they used to take a Valium when we arrived at the airport, couple of drinks just before we boarded and slept the whole way. There are also fear of flying courses available

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Sounds like you've done a lot more compromise than he has. Sounds rather unequal and, I think, soul destroying in the long run.

You didn't mention if he's made any real effort to overcome his fears. I'm guessing not.