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Love or red flag??

(16 Posts)
Skyflag Thu 16-Feb-17 10:51:06

NC in case he reads this! I'm a regular on the dating and relationship boards.

Started dating a guy 3 months ago (we've actually known each other a long time as acquaintances )
Immediate fireworks for us both - instant falling in love stuff, planning futures (mutually doing this!) etc etc

Had a mild disagreement last night - I have problems with the kids dad, who is massively coercive and emotional abusive and there's a current issue that's causing some problems for me and the kids with him.
Ex is picking the kids up for contact tomorrow as usual. New guy wants to be there for 'support'. I've said categorically that no, it's fine 'I got this' - I've been dealing with the ex fro a long time now, and this isn't anything massively out of the ordinary . New guy is now huffy because he sees it as supporting the woman he loves, and that as we're a unit, we should be doing this together.
I'm pretty independent and I can feel smothered and stifled quite easily - I don't want us to be living in each other's pockets, and I'm just feeling a bit niggly that he wants us to be exactly that.

I'm conflicted. Is this red flaggy behaviour or am I just not used to someone wanting to have my back???

Should I turn my radar on and keep an objective eye on this??

Thoughts people?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 16-Feb-17 10:53:26

What he means is he wants to sus out if your relationship with exh is as estranged as you are telling him. .

Skyflag Thu 16-Feb-17 11:03:06

Wish - I hope not - we've been split up nearly a decade grin

TheNaze73 Thu 16-Feb-17 11:06:04

Massive red flag for me. After just 3 months, he's far too involved in your children's lives. And frankly, his concerns/jealousy of your exH is worth the square root of fuck all. It has nothing to do with him. I'd bin him off

Ellisandra Thu 16-Feb-17 11:19:54

Huffy is such an unattractive quality.

It's fine to offer to be there - but when you say no, that's an end to it.

It's a red flag that he doesn't just accept your decision - and a bigger one that his way of dealing with it is to sulk.

I drive home late from some work trips - 01:00 arrival. My boyfriend, when he was new and it was the first time, asked me to text him when I got in so he knew I was OK. I said I appreciated the thought but that I was in my fifties and to save that for his teens! I explained that I found it more infantilising than caring. Now you can argue it's not... but the point is he smiled and said "got it!" and we moved (happily) on.

Tell your boyfriend to grow the fuck up - you don't date sulkers!

LizzieMacQueen Thu 16-Feb-17 11:26:25

What's his own story? Any exwife and kids?

It might just be his nature to (try to be) protective.

Ellisandra Thu 16-Feb-17 11:27:55

But a protective nature is different to a huffy sulky nature.

Secretlife0fbees Thu 16-Feb-17 11:46:50

This reminded me of a guy i was seeing for around the same about of time as you, I had an argument with my Ex and he told me to fuck off (it was something to do with visitation too). I was sounding off to my bf about it and he told me to go back to my exh and tell him that HE doesn't like me being spoken to like that. I thought erm yeah that would go down like a lead balloon! He was massively annoyed that I said I was perfectly capable of dealing with him myself thank you very much and I'm not so many words mind his own business!! This was the first red flag of many....

Skyflag Thu 16-Feb-17 11:48:48

He has reluctantly accepted my position as regards the ex, but only after a LOT of talking - mainly him asking me not to exclude him, and asking why I felt so guarded.

His own position is that he doesn't have kids himself, but had a long relationship as a step dad, and another pretty toxic long term relationship with no kids.

He may just be being protective (which I don't like anyway - I'm not a special snowflake that needs a man to protect her from the big bad world) , but something has twanged on my radar, and I think I just need to keep an eye on it. Love bombing keeps reverberating around my head. Hmmm.

HarmlessChap Thu 16-Feb-17 11:52:10

Sounds to me like he's trying to show that he sees you as a unit supporting each other but you're shutting him out over this, which may be equally red flaggy for him hence his huffy behaviour.

That said at 3 months in you both seem to be massively invested in this relationship and it does seem quick to me.

MirandaWest Thu 16-Feb-17 11:53:32

When I'd known (now) DH for 3 months, he hadn't met my children and his involvement in when XH had them was confined to knowing when he would or wouldn't see me.

I would have felt uneasy at him wanting to be there to support me - 3 months in we were still gettinh to know each other and I probably wouldn't have seen us as the unit we are now. I equally wouldn't have wanted him to have met XH at that point - don't know exactly why but just wasn't something I would have wanted to have happened.

Heirhelp Thu 16-Feb-17 11:54:57

Another person concerned at planning futures and introducing him to children all ready.

InTheMoodForLove Thu 16-Feb-17 12:05:04

I would feel the same (see it a red flag)
However if you feel he is worth the benefit of the doubt, consider he has been step-dad already and how did that go/end.
Did he loose contact with both ex and kids, was he always kept out of any "family" decision, maybe he want to figure out if this is going to be more of the same or simply not to repeat the same pattern or show more interest this time around?
Clutching on straws a bit here hmm

MirandaWest Thu 16-Feb-17 12:05:08

Having re-read the OP, I can see you've known each other for a while and so it's more likely he has met your children. I still would feel uncomfortable in some way at him doing "protecting" though.

Skyflag Thu 16-Feb-17 12:07:19

I think some of the speed has come from sort of knowing him beforehand - feels like we've kinda skipped the getting to know you part, and he also already knew the kids, so no big introductions needed.

I'm not usually an impulsive romantic - quite the opposite, so I'm not sure what's 'normal' within a whirlwind thingy, and what's red flaggy.

scottishdiem Thu 16-Feb-17 17:09:47

"I said I appreciated the thought but that I was in my fifties and to save that for his teens! I explained that I found it more infantilising than caring."

Off-topic but there was a thread a wee while ago where a woman was annoyed that her new boyfriend didnt ask/do the text thing. Some moving from one relationship to another its possible to be both infantalising and uncaring on the same issue.

Back on top - I think it may be because he knows you and the kids already. He isnt just three months into this relationship - its been longer. I wouldnt view this as red flag, just inexperienced in the dynamic he is now in with you and your ex. Being huffy is a bit odd though and I would be telling him that it is nice he cares but being huffy is a childish thing and unattractive.

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