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Any clues what this guy is up to?

(26 Posts)
ravenmum Thu 16-Feb-17 07:11:57

Maybe the collected wisdom of Mumsnet cab come up with a reason for this guy's behaviour; I can't decide on it myself.

I met a man on a dating app and he told me he lived in another town an hour away but was moving to my town in September. Apparently he was living with his parents after splitting with his ex. I really liked him and he was very enthusiastic about me - very nice after a nasty time with my cheating ex of 20 years. I just wanted to enjoy myself, and made that clear, but still he was painting pictures of us moving in together, even getting married at some point (though I didn't take this seriously and also made that clear). He had a ten year old daughter with his ex. Apparently he didn't get on well with his mother so I couldn't visit them yet. Their town is hard to get to without a car so I am not going to turn up on his doorstep.

September came and went and he always had very good reasons why he couldn't move yet. Then a workmate offered him a flat, but it was being renovated so would take a while. It would be next month .... The month after .... The month after that.

As time passes he is less often able to meet at the weekends. It's more often after work, and he can't stay over. And less sex ... apparently at 46 he has aches and pains, and a lower libido. But he is still massively keen, attentive, understanding, GSOH and just comes across really well.

Eventually I decided this looked much too much like him actually still being with his wife for me to ignore, and said as much. He said I would soon see that it was all true when he moved next month, so I said that when he did move he could come and knock at my door and see if I was interested, but that right now I was dating again. He basically says "I'll be back".

So I start dating again, this time trying to make it clear that I just want some fun for now, not a life partner. Find myself someone who is very obviously living alone and happy with something casual.

Still keep getting messages from Mr Maybe Married, though. Still declaring his undying love. Apparently he is not looking for anyone else as still wants me. Sends me Valentine message. Still claiming he is going to move when the latest problems with the flat are sorted but now his hands are tied. Still makes it sound like it might even be true though my head says it is complete nonsense and I tell him that any normal person in that situation would simply find a different flat, and I can't believe a word he says. (He is totally unfazed by this...)

What is this behaviour? What does he get out of it? Not even much sex when we were together. ... is it the ego stroking? Is he so involved in wishful thinking that he has come to believe his story himself? It is total nonsense, right? shock

Thefutureisbright2017 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:20:22

Yes total nonsense. I expect he's still with his wife and lying comes second nature. Block and mive on with the other guy, Happy dating! wink

category12 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:20:38

Trying to wear you down? Proving he can keep you interested if confused by any means?

What he gets out of it - lovely ego boost from having you in his life.

DownTownAbbey Thu 16-Feb-17 07:22:42

He sounds like he's hiding something, probably a wife. I think the most worrying thing is he's either a) trying to future fake with you or b) lining you up as somewhere to live when he leaves his wife. Alarm bells ringing all over the place!

Surreyblah Thu 16-Feb-17 07:25:41

You should've run for the hills long ago. Even if he's not still in a relationship he's a loser!

user1485380732 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:37:24

sometimes its good to rely on your own instincts .... which I think are telling you to be aware & on-guard. So - keep having fun out there !!
it would be a real shame if you tied yourself to your home waiting for this maybe never guy to wont/cant commit smile

BrownEyedLady Thu 16-Feb-17 07:42:44

Steer clear. Some people like to jump from one relationship to another so maybe that's his MO. But honestly, who cares? See your wild oats elsewhere! He's a time waster.

BrownEyedLady Thu 16-Feb-17 07:43:05


TheNaze73 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:53:03

I reckon you're probably one of ten women stroking his ego. Serial player. Move on

DJKKSlider Thu 16-Feb-17 08:00:29

Block the idiot.
He's as likely married as not, wouldn't surprise me if he's got a few women he's promising the earth too.

BrownEyedLady Thu 16-Feb-17 08:02:30

*sow! Aaagghg! Such a twit!

ravenmum Thu 16-Feb-17 08:26:47

Ugh, you are right, a loser. I can't really complain about him wanting an ego boost, as that was exactly what I got out of it, and very nice it was too after the end of my marriage. Probably why I was so smitten! And why I don't want it to end badly. But I am going to have to block him or something, aren't I, or I'll have him in the back of my mind and it is completely pointless.

Had a bit of a Carry On moment on Valentine's Day when his ringtone started up from my handbag while my new beau and I were otherwise engaged. Fortunately it blended in with the sexy music he'd put on and I was the only one to notice.

ravenmum Thu 16-Feb-17 08:29:36

I should obviously be more careful, though, as he was so convincing. I suppose I am expecting other men to be as obvious liars as my husband was...

category12 Thu 16-Feb-17 08:53:53

Yes, block him.

ravenmum Thu 16-Feb-17 08:59:39

Right, I will phone him up and make it clear that he won't "be back", then block him.

HerOtherHalf Thu 16-Feb-17 09:04:33

You say he wasn't even getting much sex out of it but that's assuming you were the only woman he was playing away with. The scenario you described had all the hallmarks of you being an OW, you may just have been one of a few and he's trying to keep you on the hook. Players like to play.

Jaynebxl Thu 16-Feb-17 09:07:42

Dodgy bloke! Definitely don't let him string you along any more.

Jaynebxl Thu 16-Feb-17 09:08:16

Just wondering, did you meet any of his friends ever?

category12 Thu 16-Feb-17 09:18:26

Why are you phoning him? Just block. Or if you must have the last word, text him then block.

HarmlessChap Thu 16-Feb-17 09:23:30

It sounds like he is dreaming up a fantasy scenario which he knows he will never play out and your involvement enables him to maintain that fantasy.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 16-Feb-17 09:27:53

Why haven't you blocked him yet?
Is it because you need your ego stroking a little bit?
Not judging, just wondering?

ravenmum Thu 16-Feb-17 10:01:22

I did meet a couple of his friends, but not in a situation where they could have discreetly mentioned that he was still with his wife. His best friend and his partner, so he might have given them another story or known they would forgive him. And met some of his work colleagues, but he acted a bit weird in that situation.

He has my landline phone number; I wouldn't know how to block that (appears not to be possible; I'm not in the UK) so I'll have to make it clear that he can't just ring up or appear on my doorstep before I block him on other media.

Hadn't blocked him until now as I didn't want to let go of the dream ... was still kind of hoping against hope that he'd show up with the keys to his new flat. That's infatuation for you blush. Dating has helped me see the light. Mumsnet is doing the rest!

ravenmum Sun 19-Feb-17 18:48:05

Had the conversation and cut off contact. He was still claiming that he's going to move once problems have been sorted out but even when I said sorry, it's just all too much for me to swallow, and anyway he was "breadcrumbing", he took it so well (all understanding) that it was suspicious in itself! Somehow I'd expect him to protest more if he was an innocent man being accused of lying...

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Sun 19-Feb-17 18:57:10

Bullet dodged. Well done, you! star

AnyFucker Sun 19-Feb-17 19:00:20

He is a fantasist

Move on

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