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I know I'm doing it wrong re breakup

(21 Posts)
intotheabis Wed 15-Feb-17 23:22:43

I'm not really sure what I'm posting for as I know I am being highly stupid!

When I was 18 I was with a guy for a year or so, he was my first love, we broke up due to our lives going in different directions etc but reconnected 10 years later (now) I have always had a special place in my heart for him and he said the same for me

I have a child initially this wasn't an issue they got on well, then he moved in and their relationship became strained, resulting in them basically not talking, no fall outs or anything but they had no interactions, after months of trying to sort this out and things getting better then going back we eventually decided we needed to split, it wasn't working and wasn't good for child

This was about a week ago and I'm really struggling, the reasons being I think is that we still love each other, when I've broken up with people in the past it's being because we've 'fallen out of love'

He seems to be coping better than me which I think is why I feel worse, it's almost like I need him to be struggling for me to feel better? I can't stop crying, I can hardly bear to got to work although I am, I feel sick all the time

I know this is all normal break up feelings. He says he'd still like to see each other there's no reason for no contact, which I agreed to because it sort of softens the blow but deep down I know it's just drawing out the inevitable and risking worse feelings later. We have inevitably and stupidly slept together a few times since which is just muddying the waters more

I don't know what I need from mn but I'm struggling and need an outlet!

I know I should tell him we shouldn't see each other but if he agrees I'll be devastated which I know is ridiculous but it's making me scared to do it!

I know it's not about this but I feel if I could just see that he was suffering too I'd feel better, not because he'd be upset I don't really know why though, does this make sense to anyone? confused

Opel9 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:25:37

Where is the child in this?
Child is miserable and doesn't like the partner and they don't get along. Therefore this can't work and it is the right thing to do. Keeping him in your life close to you sounds painful in the long run and not fair on your child (do you plan to keep them apart?)

Cut him out. He isn't right for you, and especially your child

Sweets101 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:29:13

You have established though that you can't have a relationship. So unless you cut if off dead and move on into the future you and DC can have you are only prolonging your pain and setting yourself up for potential years of misery until you finally realise this is never going to work.
And what then? Your DC have grown up and seen you place a male that makes them and you miserable all this time. What do you think will be the outcome of this?
You either meet this head on now accept the hurt and have a future. Or, you accept this feeling right now as your future and sign up to it, whatever the consequences.

intotheabis Wed 15-Feb-17 23:36:52

The child is young and has no idea he's still in my life, he's obviously not here at same time as child so there's no ill effects to the child now as far as they're concerned he's doesn't exist anymore

I fully accept we are never going to be together now and I know what I should do but I'm too scared of how I'll feel when I've done it I'm clinging on to this last little bit because I feel like that's what keeping me going

Ffs I sound like a teenager I can't believe I'm being so pathetic 😡

Opel9 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:39:33

It's like ripping off a plaster, I know it's hard but it's got no future. Keeping him close will just prolong the agony. He will meet someone else one day and if you are still attached to him it will hurt really badly. You need to move on now, at this point and heal from it slowly

Sweets101 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:41:37

The fact the child is young makes his reaction to the child worse tbh.
If he's like this now you've got a hell of a lot of years ahead of you trying to balance the two.
One day you'll wake up and realise your DC isn't 2 anymore and is much more aware then you realised (says me 6 years later)
Someone reacting that way to a tween/teen I could slightly understand but a 2 yr old? Come on. He doesn't like your DC. End of. It won't get any better.

intotheabis Wed 15-Feb-17 23:52:45

As I've said sweets I'm fully aware this is not going to continue, we cannot be in a relationship and never will be again.

I'm just finding it hard taking those last steps away from him but I know I need to and soon

It's all just very sad really, I had such high hopes for it when it started, I'm not a romantic but I really felt like we were somehow meant to be, stupid really!

I feel lost and sad and scared to fully step away

Onemorewonthurt Wed 15-Feb-17 23:55:18

How old is your dc? You say he and your dc initially got on ok to begin with, then their relationship became strained resulting in them not speaking. If you dc is young how can a grown man not talk to a child? More importantly why is that not enough for you to be completely put off him??

Doublechocolatecake Wed 15-Feb-17 23:58:15

How old is your child and what are the problems they are experiencing?? What could've happened so terrible which has led to your child refusing to interact with him. This seems quite odd and strange if your child is below teenage years....??

intotheabis Thu 16-Feb-17 00:07:26

They didn't totally blank each other or anything, and with his hours and things they didn't see each other too much but when they did it was a 'hello' and a 'goodnight' occasionally a bit of a conversation but nothing like a proper family unit which is what I would like for my child, so while I don't think it had a detrimental effect on child it certainly would have done had we just continued down the same path hence why I knew I had to break it off for me and my child's sake. My child is 5. I'm not totally put off because we did everything the right way, he was introduced to child slowly, we did things together, we were together a long time before he moved in, we talked to dc before he moved in so he knew what was happening and was happy with it, he hasn't had much other experience with children so it was all new to him, all seemed to be heading in the right direction and then something broke down, he tried and I tried and we couldn't get that original spark back, I'm not saying that's not ultimately his fault but everyone tried, he still cared for dc but just couldn't function as a 'step dad' it didn't work so we did the right thing, some people just aren't cut out for kids and it seems he is one of them, it just wasn't obvious to any of us right away. It doesn't make him a bad person that he can't interact with kids well, it just makes him someone I can't be with

TheNaze73 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:57:42

I think you need to go NC. It'll be far easier for him to move on, he's got a blank canvas & no ties. As you're caring for a 5 year old, you'll have more reflection time in the evenings, which in this case, isn't good. In hindsight, did you rush things? How long were you with him before he moved in?

intotheabis Thu 16-Feb-17 09:16:14

I think what went wrong apart from him being incapable was that we spent time together all 3 of us but it was always doing things before he moved in, tea out, walks things like that, and naively on my part I thought that was enough, they knew each other, like led each other etc, it broke down in the mundane everyday areas, tea times, bed times etc when he saw the more difficult side of dc.

But like I say that side is sorted, I know we can't be together, he has realised he doesn't want to be with someone with a child because he's not up to it, I know it's over

I know I need to go nc I'm just being weak, I feel like if I knew I could say to him we need to go nc and he was upset and telling me he'd miss me and needs to see me etc I could deal with it, but I sort of know he will just agree and that's what hurts the most and what I'm scared of! How backwards is that? confused it's like I need him to act like he still cares in order for me to feel better? Does that even make sense?

Adora10 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:58:26

Is this not a bit dramatic, why can't you date each other until your child is older then?

And, to break up over his inability to be able engage with a child is really a bit worrying, if not laughable.

HarmlessChap Thu 16-Feb-17 15:06:21

why can't you date each other until your child is older then?

Some people aren't good with small kids, it doesn't necessarily make them bad people although I appreciate that on a site called mumsnet that opinion might not be widely held.

If there is a spark hold off living together until DC is older but keep dating.

intotheabis Thu 16-Feb-17 15:55:17

That is something that I've considered, I wouldn't say it was laughable to break up over someone's inability to be a decent father figure to my child, but it was an option for me anyway that Instead of breaking up we moved apart and took it steady, he hasn't mentioned this though which makes me think he doesn't want that. But also I'm not sure I want to have a totally split life, I work and have dc and honestly don't know if I'd have the energy to essentially have 3 separate lives!

Perhaps I will broach the subject with him, and if he doesn't want to then at least I know for sure he isn't as bothered as I am!

Adora10 Thu 16-Feb-17 16:04:18

What is laughable OP is him moving in then falling out with a child and not talking!

If I was you, I'd move on, if he wanted the relationship to continue then he should have offered moving out and you two dating, he never and tbh if a man made me feel like my child wasn't worth talking to, he'd not get a chance to date me again.

At the moment you are seeing him and sleeping with him so essentially kinda dating.

I think you are being very understanding consideration what has happened.

intotheabis Thu 16-Feb-17 16:18:32

Thanks adora, I agree, just to clarify they didn't fall out and there wasn't like an atmosphere or anything but they just weren't bothered with each other! He did make a big effort to start with but it was like the first time my child didn't react how he expected he lost all the ability he had before, I do understand it must be hard but you have to draw the line somewhere!

I don't know how realistic it would be to date for potentially years before being able to be a family, whose to say he will be any more capable in 2 years?

I think I know it's over due to it not being what I want for me or my child, I'm just really struggling to cut those last ties

Adora10 Thu 16-Feb-17 16:35:04

It's a child OP, they don't have the maturity to try to get on with anyone, it should all have came from him.

Actually you are right, this won't improve so dating won't work, in fact the older your child grows, the bigger the problem will get.

intotheabis Thu 16-Feb-17 17:08:13

I agree, he's the grown up! Even I have to make an effort to be interested in things with my child and I'm his mother! It should all come from him.

This is all reassuring me that I've made the right decision even if it does feel crap at the minute!

Doublechocolatecake Fri 17-Feb-17 00:12:01

I think your being way way way too hard on yoursel. Clearly you're deeply in love with this man and you want it to work.
Children can be quite difficult/challenging age 5 as there are so many changes that happen at that time. If your partner is childless it'll take him a long time to adjust to the difference.

I think you should try dating again and maybe taking going out as a theeesome sparingly so neither of them are being forced on each other and maybe your partner will get used to your child and as your child grows and becomes older even just by a year or two the difference will be evident.

Personally I don't think you should give up trying just yet, nor do I think you want to. Follow your heart and trust your instinct but relationships are very hard and challenging and sometimes it takes the little bit extra to go the distance.

SingforThemoment Fri 17-Feb-17 00:28:36

Agree with everything adora has said!

As hard as it will be I think I'd have to move on because he isn't right for you or your dc, your child is only 5 so shouldn't be the one putting in the effort. I'd go no contact and find someone that will enjoy time having fun with you an your dc but also understands an doesn't mind the hard parts too, they are out there. smile

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