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Husband texting female co-worker - updated

(79 Posts)
RoseNarene Wed 15-Feb-17 23:21:02

Hello all

A week or so ago I posted a message here about WhatsApp messages I found on husband's phone to a female co-worker. Before Christmas there was a lot of moaning about me, which I asked him to stop and he said he would. A few weeks ago, I found out he was still doing it - but this time, he was insulting me and complimenting her, so it was quite flirty.

I had a lot of 'LTB' responses here but I decided to confront him and he completely broke down. He admitted it and also took responsibility for everything that has been not so great in our relationship. We have been through some tough stuff - we had the stress of an extension on our house that didn't always go to plan (neighbours caused problems that cost us extra money), I gave birth last May to our second beautiful daughter, and I was being very badly treated at work that led to me taking a lot of time off with work-related stress this time last year. He has complained a lot about me not showing him enough affection or getting enough sex, and that he feels like I don't love him and I just keep him around for his financial contribution and to 'babysit' our children. I've just told him don't be silly, of course I love you, I'm just tired a lot, baby is only 7 months, and we've been through a lot of stress etc.

So yeah, he was distraught and apologised repeatedly, he cried, he threw up. After a few days mulling it over, we had a make-or-break talk and I decided to forgive him and attempt to move on. Cue model husband behaviour. He cut off all contact with this woman though I never asked him to. Things were really looking up.

Until yesterday, when I received a text on my phone from the woman in question, telling me there's two sides to every story. I have no idea how she got my number - I can only recall meeting her once, yeeaaaars ago. Intrigued, I enquired further. She told me that although my husband is a good friend, she has found him very hard work in recent months as he has been very suggestive towards her. She didn't want to tell me everything but I pushed her and she print-screened the WhatsApp conversations (that took place before our make-or-break talk and that he had deleted from his phone so I only saw the less damaging ones - explains why I always thought it looked as though there were gaps) and they revealed the worst. To say that he has been 'suggestive' is an understatement. He has in detail said things he would like to see from her, do to her etc. And he even took a photo of himself and sent it to her. She didn't encourage him but he kept pestering her, honestly it was pretty pathetic. He was almost begging her to play along and send him photos of herself etc. I can't bear to read the messages again which says a lot as I'm usually such a morbidly curious person. I am ashamed and embarrassed by them and I didn't even write them.

So my pain is twofold really. He said he wouldn't text her again but did, and when we had our make-or-break discussion he kept from me just how far these messages had gone when he had every opportunity to be honest with me in the spirit of moving on. He also lied to me a few weeks back when he said he went to the pub with his mates and he actually went to see her. My other pain is that he was able to betray me so deeply and he just isn't the same person I married. Unless this was always in him and I just didn't see it.

So I packed a bag for him for when he got home and told him to leave. Again, he cried. He paced repeatedly. He went and got baby out of her cot (this was about 8:45pm) and just stood there in the hallway holding her and sobbing like it was the last time he would ever see her. He went up and cuddled 4year old too. Then he left.

He's gone to stay at his parents and he told them everything. Him and his mum came back today to pick up the girls and his mum came and gave me a big hug and told me she was really sorry and how shocked she was to hear what he had done. She seems to think we can work through it, but as I told her, she didn't see the messages. He is desperate to win me back. He is going to counselling and asked me to go but I said no. Honestly I think this is the end. I look at him and all I see is a desperate sex addict loser. He had everything - I loved him, we have two wonderful girls and a lovely house and I was about to apply for an excellent job that would mean he could be a part time worker and spend more time with the girls. And he has thrown it all away - and he knows it.

I guess I am just here for support. I'm scared of everything that's going to change if I don't take him back. I don't want to say I have made my mind up as this all happened only yesterday and I am pretty emotionless - just in shock still I suppose - though I do just want to cry every now and then. And I'm so angry with him for what he did and how he is putting me in the position of having to make a decision like this. But I really do feel like this is the end. It feels so surreal, like it's not really happening.

I am worth more than this. I deserve better.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Wed 15-Feb-17 23:26:37

Read your last sentence again and again until it is embedded in your brain.
You are worth more than this and you deserve better.
What a shit bag I'm so sorry but you sound very very strong. You can get though this and you will.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 15-Feb-17 23:28:42

Didn't want to read and run.

Sorry your husband has turned out to be such a shit. Take some time to decompress and consider your options before making any major decisions.

flowers

Msqueen33 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:28:43

What an utter prick! You forgave him the first time and still he's done it again. You poor thing. The future without him probably fees awful but you deserve more than this. He's treated you with no respect at all.

Lillygolightly Wed 15-Feb-17 23:31:58

flowers

girlelephant Wed 15-Feb-17 23:32:10

He has no respect so well done in knowing you deserve more.

Good luck and keep it up. He has only himself to blame and needs to control himself around the DCs

flowersginwinebrewcake

RoseNarene Wed 15-Feb-17 23:37:46

Fortunately he is with his parents. I do trust him not to do anything stupid with regard to the DC, but just in case, I know his parents will keep him in check. They are sensible people.

Larainette Wed 15-Feb-17 23:38:16

You are being so strong. flowers

Ledehe Wed 15-Feb-17 23:41:19

You are worth more than this and you do deserve better. The trust is gone. It will never come back.

Well done you for being so decisive, so brave and so strong

JoJoSM2 Wed 15-Feb-17 23:41:26

His behaviour has been awful. However, him telling you that he felt pushed away and lacked affection fell on deaf ears too. And you won't consider counselling.

Splitting will be awful but it'll be for the better in the long run. Good luck.

HughLauriesStubble Wed 15-Feb-17 23:45:05

He sounds like a total creep OP. flowers for you.

MrsDustyBusty Wed 15-Feb-17 23:47:09

However, him telling you that he felt pushed away and lacked affection fell on deaf ears too.

Perhaps you missed the seven months old baby detail?

Secretlife0fbees Wed 15-Feb-17 23:47:41

Hope you're ok Rose. What an utter utter complete prick. You must be feeling such a complex range of emotions right now but listen, you need to concentrate on healing from this, there's nothing he can do now to make anything better - it's up to you to be brave for yourself and your dds.
Keep posting on here, have you got anyone you can talk to irl?
Fuck him, he's a complete pathetic loser flowers

Rainbowqueeen Wed 15-Feb-17 23:47:51

Do you have RL support? You sound strong and sensible.
It will be tough for a while but you will look back one day and realise how much better your life is
Wishing you well

MrsMcMoo Wed 15-Feb-17 23:52:23

Well done, you're doing the right thing. Takes a lot of courage, especially when the kids are so young. Respect to you, and sorry he treated you like this. You deserve so much more flowers

SuiteHarmony Wed 15-Feb-17 23:54:49

Is he a sex addict? Who knows? A diagnosis helps corral a problem and derive a course of action. But it doesn't sound to me like he has a sex addiction. It just sounds like he's sly and selfish and untrustworthy. There's no cure for that.

my exh's self-diagnosed sex addiction miraculously got cured when he cemented his relationship with the OW

omnishamblesssssssssssssss Wed 15-Feb-17 23:55:29

Photograph the messages. Just so you have the evidence.

RoseNarene Wed 15-Feb-17 23:59:59

However, him telling you that he felt pushed away and lacked affection fell on deaf ears too.

Yes, I took for granted that as an adult he would simply believe me when I said don't worry darling, I do love you, but I am tired all the time from breastfeeding our baby all night and soothing her when she cries because you are hard of hearing so don't wake up for her. I'm also sorry about the stress I am under as I have to find a new job quick smart because I left the horrible one where I was being treated so badly. But things will not be like this forever, I promise, things will get better.

That's what I said to him. I did not ignore him. All my efforts were going on getting by day to day whilst stressed and tired and feeling utterly undervalued at work, also just being a mummy to my children. I didn't have anything left for myself, so I certainly didn't have anything left for him. That's not to say that we didn't kiss or cuddle or have sex - we did. But nothing I ever did was good enough.

RoseNarene Thu 16-Feb-17 00:01:52

Photograph the messages. Just so you have the evidence.

Already done.

Cherrysoup Thu 16-Feb-17 00:04:34

I think you've done the right thing. Unfortunately, men like this don't change. You'd always be wondering what he was texting. He's been an idiot.

Scrumptiousbears Thu 16-Feb-17 00:06:42

What a wanker.

My ex was like this. Always texting some girl. We spilt and still 15 years later he will randomly text me looking for a sexting. He once did it whilst his pregnant wife was asleep next to him. Losers.

winefor you.

OhBlissOhJoy Thu 16-Feb-17 00:08:17

Rose, my STBXH also pursued a work colleague and I totally understand how hurtful that is. It took him a year to win her over - a year in which we were totally together and I thought happy.
Neither of us deserve to be with people who are thinking about someone else while they are with us. It's tough to break up - and I don't have DC to think about - but you are worth more and you do deserve better. Believe that because it's true flowers

Inertia Thu 16-Feb-17 00:09:15

Rose, even if you'd treated him like a prince it would have made no difference, because he believed that he was entitled to sexual validation from other women and he'd have found an excuse, even if he had to make up something to blame you for.

You are worth more than this and you definitely deserve better.

He is the one that chose these consequences, not you.And you don't have to make a decision now about whether you will ever take him back in the future- but for now,he has to face the consequences of his own actions while you work through what's best for you and the children.

He really doesn't deserve the dignity and class you have shown in the way you have dealt with his shitty, snidey sex pest behaviour.

RoseNarene Thu 16-Feb-17 00:10:04

Do you have RL support?

I'm so so lucky. I've had so many people checking in on me. My mum, my dad, my two sisters, my brother, my two best friends. My sister lives up the road and has told me I can go to hers whenever (she has a newborn so is always home) and my mum and brother just randomly came round to check on me before I kicked him out. My best friend has offered to come look after me and is taking me out tomorrow to keep me busy and to keep me company. Everyone is offering to look after my girls if I need time on my own.

I'm so so lucky. Not sure I could be as strong without them.

AshesandDust Thu 16-Feb-17 00:12:29

You poor thing, you must be reeling with this awful betrayal, how could he
risk all for such a pathetic thrill...bastard.
Take each hour and day as it comes, Rose, you sound so calm
but you're in shock. flowers
Here's a hand to hold

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