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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

AIBU? Because I've totally lost perspective. DP and lying.

82 replies

DianaMitford · 15/02/2017 22:49

Please can someone advise me whether or not I'm being completely unreasonable?

DP and I have been together for a year. He has lied throughout this time. It's stupid stuff - like I walked in on him masturbating and he swore blind he wasn't and even "showed" me his phone so I could see the screen. He'd hidden what he was actually looking at.

Then one day we were playing a game with my dd and he claimed he wasn't looking up the answer on his phone. Dd told me later when we were alone that he had indeed been looking up the question. She was sitting next to him so could see the screen. Again, he lied and lied until he was forced to confess. I forgave him.

Now the big one. He works away a lot and we made a pact that neither of us would masturbate during this time. The idea being we'd feel closer to one another and it would make his homecoming all the better. I have stacks and stacks of messages telling me how horny he is, how he could go this length of time without an orgasm, reminding me that I couldn't, etc etc. Something didn't feel right and after some probing today he admitted that he had masturbated. He's now "ashamed", "guilty", "embarrassed", doesn't know why he lied, it got harder to get out of - I'm sure you can all imagine.

There's no doubt that he's sorry and he's sworn that he will never lie to me again. I just can't stop going over all the messages he sent lying about it and I feel absolutely stupid for believing in him.

I've cried on and off all day and I feel ridiculous for that too - but I accept the way he's made me feel. This is a very serious relationship and I don't know whether to just get the fuck on with it or whether something else needs to happen.

OP posts:

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Mo55chop5 · 15/02/2017 22:51

Well for a start you can get rid of that ridiculous pact you've made

measles64 · 15/02/2017 22:52

If you have high standards of behaviour and honesty, sometimes telling fibs is something he may do for a quiet life perhaps.

RJnomore1 · 15/02/2017 22:54

Christ almighty where to start with that one...

JoJoSM2 · 15/02/2017 22:54

I agree with measles. Especially if you're trying to control things that are none of your business like masturbating.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 15/02/2017 22:55

Let the guy have a wank in peace! No wonder he is lying about silly things if you even feel the need to have control over his masturbation!

bullyhfc · 15/02/2017 22:58

it's better than him dipping his wick somewhere surely?

DianaMitford · 15/02/2017 23:00

It totally isn't about control. I don't care whether he does or doesn't masturbate.

What bothers me is the lying. Why not just tell me????

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 15/02/2017 23:01

You both sound about 16. If this is meant to be a serious relationship then you both need to grow up.

category12 · 15/02/2017 23:01

What's with the wanking threads lately?

measles64 · 15/02/2017 23:01

Maybe he does not tell you everything because it is private to him..

Opel9 · 15/02/2017 23:02

You can't ask someone not to masterbate. If a man told a woman she couldn't imagine being told that by him?
These small things honestly do not seem like losing a marriage over. You have to ask yourself if you are constantly looking for ways he might slip up

Haffiana · 15/02/2017 23:02

You are being utterly unreasonable and controlling. WTF you 'probe' and 'force' him to confess about a lie? Pay attention to how you behave, be pleased for him when he feels relaxed enough to not have to lie and ask yourself what makes you feel you have to make someone else do what you think is right all the time.

Opel9 · 15/02/2017 23:03

The forced confession game sounds like a lot of fun.

I would have laughed if my DP was cheating on a game and ribbed him

Ebbenmeowgi · 15/02/2017 23:03

Yabu. The first thing he was probably embarrassed that you w walked in on him. Phone thing - just a stupid white lie, did it really matter? And as others have said, let the poor bloke have a wank in piece! Really doesn't matter.

GinIsIn · 15/02/2017 23:04

Why on earth is every other thread started by the wank police at the moment?!

tinglyfing · 15/02/2017 23:05

Just "get the fuck in with it".

needanothercat · 15/02/2017 23:05

I don't think the pact is silly if it was mutually agreed as a silly teasing pact and you didn't tell him that was what you expected of him. I don't think it's fair to assume you're controlling after reading a few sentences.
If this were me, I'd be worried that if he could so naturally lie over little things, surely he would have no issue lying over the bigger stuff?
Have you asked why he feels the need to lie? Maybe reassure him you had no problem knowing he was masturbating (that's if you didn't! If you did I'd be maybe having a word with myself as to why). Perhaps he's doing the typical head in the sand tactic in case he thinks you'll go mad when in reality you wouldn't be phased but by him lying he creates an even bigger situation for himself.
That's just my musings though. I wouldn't be so quick to assume he's hen pecked in a controlling relationship though. Some people are just weird and do weird things without knowing any better

IrregularCommentary · 15/02/2017 23:05

You seem a bit overly invested in his wanking habits tbh. Just let him be.

Mo55chop5 · 15/02/2017 23:05

If you didn't care if he'd had a wank you wouldn't have "probed" him. You sound a bit unhinged tbh

tinglyfing · 15/02/2017 23:06

"on with it" even!

measles64 · 15/02/2017 23:07

If you push him too hard on this issue he may not be able to even raise a smile for you in the future.

BitOfFun · 15/02/2017 23:07

"The wank police" 😂. Totally agree- it's weird. I had no idea people even thought about this stuff.

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Bringbacksummer · 15/02/2017 23:10

This is really similar to that other thread

rollonthesummer · 15/02/2017 23:10

What a pointless thing to make a pact about. You clearly do care about the wanking not the lying or there would have been no pact.

I don't understand your first post though. You walked in on him masturbating and he convinced you he wasn't by showing you his phone?! What's his phone got to go with anything??

Opel9 · 15/02/2017 23:11

If it's not controlling then it's not sexy and alluring. I think having pacts and assurances, mixed with probing and forced guilty confessions is a sure fire way to kill your self life. Part of sex is being care free and wild, going with the moment, not controlled conditions sex. If you sex text him a lot while he is away then it's going to be really unreasonably hard not to expect him to wank over it. Sounds like he is wanking over you - I would be happy about that!

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