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Do I trust him?

(19 Posts)
SingforThemoment Wed 15-Feb-17 21:11:26

Me and my ex split for around 6 months then got back together, we've been back together for 5 months but during the split we were still sort of seeing each other anyway as we have a 3 yr old. Split due to just bickering really an I always pestered asking him to come back from the moment he left.

Anyway when he moved back in I noticed he changed his password on his phone I asked if I was allowed to know it as it was never a problem before and he said no, so I dropped it as he's never given me a reason not to trust him before. Since we've been back together I've been extremely paranoid and I'm hating myself for it, even seeing him typing on his phone is getting to me, it's not right I know and I hate it, he knows how I'm feeling irrationally paranoid.

Tonight I thought I might test him and ask for his phone, so while he was on it I said let's have a look, he handed it me, but when he seen me click off the thing he was looking at he goes erm what are you doing you want my phone so you can start looking through it, so he took it back off me, then starts saying how he's a grown man I shouldn't think he would just hand over his phone.

I understand I'm probably coming across absolutely mental but I need someone else's opinion on this

Dontaskmegoogleit Wed 15-Feb-17 21:22:40

If he did exactly the same to you how would you feel ?
You've nothing to hide but should be respected your own privacy. Why not him.....unless you have other indications not to trust ?

NotTheFordType Wed 15-Feb-17 21:23:02

Is the reason you're paranoid because you had to coerce and badger him into getting back together?

Jessica4444 Wed 15-Feb-17 21:29:03

No you don't trust him, you think there was someone else in the time you split up?

SpiritedLondon Wed 15-Feb-17 21:29:27

Why do you think it's acceptable to go through his phone? He hasn't given you any reason to mistrust him from what you say and he's entitled to some privacy. I can't imagine my husband ever asking to check my phone and I would have some choice words if he ever asked me.

SingforThemoment Wed 15-Feb-17 21:29:53

If he asked me I'd have no problem.

And I've thought that notthefordtype I felt like shit being a pest asking him to come back, and it always makes me wander well why didn't you come back and I sometimes begrudge him for that but we were arguing still whilst we were split which is what his reasons are.

SingforThemoment Wed 15-Feb-17 21:31:00

Jessica, I'm asking by how he reacted when I asked to look at his phone would you personally trust him?

Dontaskmegoogleit Wed 15-Feb-17 21:37:10

I would not distrust solely on him not wanting you to go through his phone

Jessica4444 Wed 15-Feb-17 21:37:28

Yes I would as he just has a password on it, yes he takes it back off you if you use it but you are tricking him into letting you see it. Just chill your together and I assume everything's going ok apart from this just enjoy

Dontaskmegoogleit Wed 15-Feb-17 21:38:56

Can he casually have a browse through your phone ?

SingforThemoment Wed 15-Feb-17 21:43:19

Yes if he wanted to

SingforThemoment Wed 15-Feb-17 21:45:01

It's just how I was fine to know it before that bugs me, and he's turned notifications off so nothing comes up on screen.

It probably is nothing and I hate feeling paranoid.

SingforThemoment Wed 15-Feb-17 21:45:26

Which is why I thought I'd just ask for the phone out right to see if he would give it me

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Feb-17 21:54:56

I don't think many would tolerate your possessive behaviour

Lillygolightly Wed 15-Feb-17 21:59:46

Well there are 2 possibilities as I see it:

1) your gut instinct is telling you that something is off

2) due to the split and time apart your feeling a bit paranoid and insecure

Either of the above are reasonable given the circumstances. If you hadn't split for 6 months I would hedge my bets on option 1 however, a recent split leads to all sorts of insecurities new and old.

If I were you I would keep an eye on it for now and try to chill out...easier said that done I know!


Dontaskmegoogleit Wed 15-Feb-17 22:04:35

Sing, i think with a temporary split it does sometimes lead to paranoia. Talk to him about you concerns. He might give you his phone if he knows it would put your mind at rest.
But just because you are an open book does not mean he has to be too and it doesn't have to be because of " something "

SingforThemoment Wed 15-Feb-17 22:17:22

Thank you Lilly I keep feeling like I wish things could go back to "normal" and like how it used to be when really everything is fine apart from me being paranoid.

He won't let me look on his phone whatsoever which is entirely up to him of course I'm not entitled to look at it but it was just something to put my mind at ease asking him randomly.

I feel like if you don't nose or dig for things your never going to know if they are doing something behind your back which is sad really because just leaves me constantly worrying I hate it I don't know where it's come from.

I'm not possessive and I hate how I feel and how I'm coming across to him but I'm so worried about getting hurt, I honestly feel like an idiot but I can't help it.

somethingwitty3432 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:24:54

Him not letting you look makes you more paranoid I get that. But fact is you don't trust him in the first place & from my experience it's always worth listening to your instincts around that stuff. You two need to have some honest & frank conversations - explain to him how you're feeling & ask him to give you a break & reassure you. Maybe suggest couples counselling. If his reaction stays the same I'd struggle to trust him too.

Lillygolightly Wed 15-Feb-17 23:15:20

Sing having been in a 13 year relationship myself and splitting for 4 months before reconciling I know how you feel. Our split had absolutely nothing to do with cheating and was instigated by me. However when we got back together some of the old comforts returned but new fears and insecurities arose too. I know how you feel and I think it's somewhat normal...redefining your relationship familiarity in the old bits and finding a comfort level and boundaries with the new bits.

Keep your wits about you but try not to worry or obsess too much wink

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