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Mr unromantic

(31 Posts)
Msqueen33 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:29:06

I've been with my husband about 15 years now. Both late 30s with three kids from 9-4. Two have Sen. Life is stressful. My dh works long hours and I'm a sahm because the kids don't cope with childcare. My dh is in no way romantic. He's happy to go out and get me say a bar of chocolate at 9pm but he's not romantic at all. No anniversary, birthday or Christmas gifts. One year not even Mother's Day cards. He brought me a spa day one year on a voucher but I suspect it hadn't required much thought as I'm not a huge spa person tho I appreciated the effort. My mum finds his lack of romance frankly appalling. They don't have the greatest relationship so I try not to discuss it with her. But should I expect him to be a bit more romantic? I try with him but he seems very unbothered by it all. We seem to rub along though he says he loves me. He had very little in the way of relationships when we met (I'd come out of a long term relationship where my oh had ended it so wasn't in a good place). To be honest I've given up asking and I suppose just settled as he will either be defensive (long work hours etc) or he'll say okay and it won't change. Does anyone else have an unromantic partner and how do you feel about it?

Ellisandra Wed 15-Feb-17 17:38:59

Who gets to tell you what romance is?
Sod what your mum thinks.

Google "5 love languages". We all show love in different combinations of ways. One person's romance is another person's cringe fest!

That said, you are allowed to expect certain things if you are explicit - for example, if Mother's Day is important to you and you tell him that, he should do it even if he's not bothered about Father's Day, for example.

Give me a man who throws himself into equal parenting over one who buys me a once a year card, any day.

What do you do to show you love him?

Work out what's important to you and talk to him about that - but really think what you want, not what your mum or anyone else thinks.

Loads of people on here seem to think the height of romance is having a man run a bath for you. If my fiancé did that for me, I'd wonder why he thought I was incapacitated!

category12 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:39:09

Does it make you unhappy? I mean, going out and getting you chocolate is a nice thing, if it's a way he is showing you he loves you. Not if it's a shut you up thing.

Does he make you feel loved generally? Romantic gestures are nice and all, but you don't need them if he and you feel good together. I couldn't really tell if it's external pressure (your mum, social norms) that are making you feel this lack, or whether it's internal and you feel unloved or devalued.

Adora10 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:39:40

What, nothing for your birthday or even at Xmas, I'm pretty shocked by that.

Ellisandra Wed 15-Feb-17 17:40:10

I do think no birthday and Xmas gifts is utterly shit though - unless you both agreed it.

Anniversaries... meh.

Adora10 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:41:42

And I'd listen to your mum, she's usually right.

Without the kind gestures and that doesn't have to involve spending money, then there's no warmth there or a fuzzy feeling when he does something nice for you; he sounds very cold; not sure what to advise as it sounds like you've already tried.

minion246 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:42:46

I had nothing for 13 years that I was with my ex. I didn't mind although I did get slightly jealous sometimes of other people on special occasions. But if I needed anything though out the year I got it. Take no notice of your mum smile

category12 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:44:06

Oh, I missed the no birthday / xmas. That's unusual. But if it's been like that for 15 years ... ?

PickAChew Wed 15-Feb-17 17:46:19

I don't think the problem is so much lack of romance as lack of thoughtfulness.

DH is far from romantic but he is usually kind and he likes to be useful and makes an effort to find gifts I'll enjoy even if he doesn't always quite hit the spot.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 15-Feb-17 17:46:22

What's changed recently, that it's now become an issue after over 15 years together?

boredwithabrokenfinger Wed 15-Feb-17 17:51:18

My DH isn't really romantic but he is dependable and caring. I'm out of action at the moment and he has just got on with the shopping, cooking, laundry, washing up, etc. without one grumble.

We don't do valentine's. We sort of do Birthdays, Anniversary and Christmas but only really cards and a present we need/want. We do normally go out for the day and have lunch and/or dinner.

He doesn't do grand gestures but will hold my hand when we go for a walk and kiss me when we get to a kissing gate (just one of our jokes!). It's all very subtle but I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, it's how you feel.

Valentine2 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:58:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Msqueen33 Wed 15-Feb-17 18:04:39

He does nice things in other ways I suppose. Like he walked the kids to school after an awful night with the kids and went in late to school. He's a bit simple like that I suppose (simple maybe isn't the best word). My mum has a very certain view of how things such be such as wife work etc. He is affectionate in many ways. I do feel a little sad he's not more thoughtful but I don't think he means to be it's just not in his nature. He wasn't like it so much at the beginning maybe over the last few years. I think maybe I'm looking at our relationship more closely as in general I feel a bit dissatisfied and I don't feel completely compatible with my husband. We barely share any interests and most talk involves the kids. Our youngest is particularly hard at the moment so I know that's taking a big toll on us both.

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:35:37

Firstly, I think you need to tell your Mum to keep her opinions to herself/STFU

Secondly, as Ellisandra suggests, read about the 5 love languages.

Msqueen33 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:56:22

I agree my mum needs to shut up. She can be quite interfering at times. She didn't like the gift we chose to give to my cousin when she looked after our cats when went on holiday and her and dh fell out over that. Will also check out the 5 love languages.

marmitegirl01 Wed 15-Feb-17 21:58:32

No birthday or Xmas gifts/cards is not about himnot being romantic! It's rude!!Does he not help the kids get gifts/cards for you? Yes going to get a bar of chocolate is romantic if that floats your boat and romance is not roses and chocs on Valentine's day. But come on!!

Mo55chop5 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:02:48

If my OH missed both birthday and xmas presents in year one of our relationship they wouldn't have made it to year two never mind 15

OhTheRoses Wed 15-Feb-17 22:10:09

Well, we've been married for nearly 26 years. Plenty of Christmases and birthdays without presents. It took me at least 15 years to get him almost trained. The DC growing up helped too as they made genuine comments. Even his mother has started doing dome Christmas shopping in the last few years. Really he was a product of his parents' meanness and misery and I could always forgive him. Plus points:

Innately kind
Hard working
can be a bit anal and boring

Msqueen33 Wed 15-Feb-17 22:24:58

He took the kids out with him and they wanted to buy me a present but he didn't like what they wanted to chose the knobhead. He has some good points but he's quite lazy about maintaining our relationship. The stress of the kids doesn't help. He knows I wasn't happy but it didn't really have him rushing out to buy me a gift.

ForAllWeKnow Thu 16-Feb-17 06:12:29

To be honest, I think leaving a warm house to go out into the cold to buy chocolate at 9pm when it is, realistically, the last thing he probably wants to do is far more romantic than buying a card, a bunch of flowers and some chocolates because the calendar tells him to.

I can't abide Valentine's Day and I don't celebrate my birthday or receive Christmas presents either. Some people are bothered by these things, some people are not.

Adora And I'd listen to your mum, she's usually right. Without knowing the OP's mum, you can't possibly say this. Not all mothers have their daughter's best interests at heart.

Alaia5 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:15:08

MsQueen - Your feelings are totally valid and don't let anyone tell you they are not.

I totally appreciate the toll that your DC will be taking in your relationship. However, this is the very reason why you have to make an effort with each other (when I say "you", I mean him). In 10 years the DC will be gone and then what?

Buying you birthday and Xmas gifts is not a romantic gesture, it is a very basic life skill. It doesn't matter if he himself is not bothered about receiving gifts on such occasions - you are. If it matters to you, it should matter to him. Also he is setting a bad model to your DC. My DC get almost as excited on my birthday as on their own. They love to see me opening gifts. These moments are precious really.

My husband is an extreme workaholic and has his issues for sure. But - he has always said that just because we're married, it doesn't mean he can't take me on a date. He has always done this at least fortnightly - even if he had to drag me out the house when the DC were babies! He organises the babysitter too so I don't have an excuse not to grin He isn't that bothered about gifts for himself either, but it doesn't stop him buying me things I love and organising our 4 DC to do the same. I don't get all the "oh it's a man thing". DH hates shops, but if he can buy me jewellery, lingerie or clothes that I like and that fit, then so can anyone. It's not that hard - go online if you have to.

Could you try writing to your DH. Tell him life is short and you need to celebrate the good bits, or what is the point? Maybe he doesn't fully appreciate how you feel. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms. Don't be afraid of making a fuss. When your birthday is coming up, you may have to pointedly and repeatedly ask him what he is planning etc, but do it and he will get the idea eventually.

Adora10 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:48:49

Adora And I'd listen to your mum, she's usually right. Without knowing the OP's mum, you can't possibly say this. Not all mothers have their daughter's best interests at heart.

I think most mums have their child's best interest at heart and I am sure she has reason not to like the OPs OH; he sounds lazy and inconsiderate.

ravenmum Thu 16-Feb-17 13:38:36

I agree that noting another person's preferences and giving them what they want is a very simple way to make them happy, which is surely what we should want for people we love. So even if you hate Valentine's Day, if they like it then why not give them a gift then?

But I also agree that that is not by any means the only way to be romantic. A FB friend of mine described how, when she was under the weather, her dh got up early on his day off, brought her medicine and took over the housework and kids all day so that she wouldn't even have to get up. I found that nice - but what I found even more touching was that she was writing that on FB, obviously really pleased at this basic courtesy and wanting to tell everyone. Another, male friend told everyone how his wonderful wife had qualified as a lay preacher and how proud he was. Those comments are romantic to me. And after my ex would roll his eyes if I so much as asked him to give me a foot massage, a husband who goes out at night just to buy chocolate for his wife is a romantic husband to me. I hope that OP's dissatisfaction is not mainly due to stirrers.

Ellisandra Thu 16-Feb-17 15:58:28

I would be embarrassed to say my husband stepped up when I was ill, on fb.
Because I'd think my friends would be thinking "how bad is her husband that she's making a big deal over this basic?"

ravenmum Fri 17-Feb-17 09:21:17

You had to be there.

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