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Loss of Intimacy

(29 Posts)
user1487166445 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:09:06

I’m a 41 year old man and my wife is mid 30’s. We’ve known each other for 7 years and got married a couple of years ago. We have a wonderful 4 year old daughter.
I love my wife dearly and fancy her big time. She has an amazing body and up until my wife became pregnant we had an awesome sex life. However, for the past 4 plus years, things have been different. Priorities changed. I’m not sure if it all happened at once or not but my wife no longer offers much intimacy. I haven’t been given oral sex for 4 years and she doesn’t allow me to touch her breasts or her vagina. I get to kiss her on the cheek only. We have penetrative sex every second Saturday of the month and, since sex is so infrequent, I usually climax as soon as I enter her. She gets herself off using a vibrator before we do have sex. I think the vibrator gets used at other times too when she is on her own.
I would frequently masturbate alone. This became such a lonely and empty thing and so I refrained from wanking as much as I could, going for 3-4 weeks at a time without ejaculating. The intense frustration was matched by a devotion to my wife and I also developed a desire to be dominated, stemming, I believe, from a lack of intimacy and the infrequency of sex.
When we go to bed each night I want to be able to touch and kiss my wife but she reads or uses the internet and I go to sleep while rubbing her feet or her legs. I’m allowed to hug her once she has finished reading.
I’ve done all the obvious things like doing my share of domestic chores, childcare, buying flowers etc but, to no avail. Whenever I’ll raised the subject of intimacy she gets angry.
I want her to feel desire and to want intimacy but don’t know what to do. Pease help!

VivDeering Wed 15-Feb-17 17:13:55

It sounds as though you have tried to talk to your wife about this, so I guess the next step is where you draw the line. What are you boundaries for staying in the marriage?

For example, I would set the ultimatum of joint counselling or separation.

VivDeering Wed 15-Feb-17 17:15:13

Oh, and also just remember that these boards are trawled by The Sun and The Mail for copy. Anything you write here can, and sometimes unfortunately does, appear in certain papers and their websites.

Juveniledelinquent Wed 15-Feb-17 17:24:10

How are things in the rest of your relationship? Is everything apart from sex going well?

I'm sure it's not a coincidence that following pregnancy and the birth of your child things have changed. Having a baby does change things but without more information, we have no idea what the situation is? Things like a difficult birth, sleepless nights or post-natal depression, can all change things.

From your post, it sounds like you two don't talk that much. You can only have a close loving relationship if you talk honestly with each other. Tell your wife this.

The poster who suggested counselling is spot on.

user1487166445 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:24:27

Thanks. VivDeering. Would the newspapers you refer to be able to get my identity? What would they do with a message?

user1487166445 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:26:57

The thing is that we get on very well in every other aspect of our relationship, strange as that may seem, and we do talk about most things...just not intimacy! I put the issues down to post childbirth but surely after 4 years...

Adora10 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:28:36

That sound bloody awful, almost cruel, cut your losses OP and find a woman that does want sex and will desire you; she's doing the bare minimum and it's cold and calculating, I'd never carry on with this.

Ilovecaindingle Wed 15-Feb-17 17:34:10

Are you my dh? Same scenario and actually, I decided yesterday that I need to explain to him just why I am in this frame of mind( as your dw seems to be also. .)
It's not my dh or sex I am against. It's my own body. . I have gained 2 stone since before I had our ds 2 and a half years ago. I feel repulsed with my own body and not able to feel sexy or show my body to him. He does and says all the right things but all I feel is yucky. . He is still the same chunky man I fell for (maybe a bit bigger) still fancy and love him just don't fancy or love myself anymore!! I am hoping he wants to join me in getting fitter and more toned - maybe together!! And that he won't mock my feelings - but take them seriously - I have never been anywhere near over weight and I feel gross tbh. .

VivDeering Wed 15-Feb-17 17:45:27


user so far the papers have "only" quoted the identifyin details that a poster has provided, such as ages, length of relationship, number of children, ages of children etc.

eyeoresancerre Wed 15-Feb-17 18:29:17

Sorry don't mean to derail but what a bloody shame that someone comes here for advice and then has to worry about a scuzzy paper printing intimate details.
Regarding your wife I think a frank and honest discussion about where you see this relationship heading is needed (I'm sure you've done this before but you must do it once more).
Can you see yourself in the same position in 5,10,15 years time?

Jessica4444 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:00:54

It's very rude of her to willingly let you know she gets herself off before you have sex. She just feels like she's laying there waiting for you to finish. Almost like she loves the control of this. Wonder what will happen if you didn't try? Having a slot when to cuddle your wife is not on. Probably get hate for this comment but way I see it. You rub her feet when she reads online stuff imagine if a woman posted this about doing it for a man.

user1487166445 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:12:12

Thanks all. Great to get a mainly female perspective. She uses the vibrator while I hold her head or stroke her leg. I'm fine with the control thing really but just wonder why she doesn't get horned up like she used to. She is a size 10 with a great figure so I can't see she has image problems.

Jessica4444 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:15:14

This isn't control in a sexy way, this is control to make you feel she doesn't want you and inadequate which is what's happening here. A Dom would own you make you do things that's sexy control and so on

user1487166445 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:20:34

There have been times when I didn't try. When I didn't try to make any form of physical contact. She didn't seem to notice and it just tore me up. Even being able to massage her feet or stroke her leg is something wonderful and gets me horny. She does allow that and sometimes allows me to cum in my hand afterwards but pays little attention.

Jessica4444 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:25:27

When it comes to having the second Saturday (bizzare its on the calendar) don't try anything see if after a bit she does

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Feb-17 19:27:51

Get some self respect & bin her off

scottishdiem Wed 15-Feb-17 19:31:30

She has checked out of the intimacy side of the relationship. Are you sure she is not having an affair?

Doodiidoo Wed 15-Feb-17 21:36:32

Goodness OP. Sounds like there's a serious imbalance of power here. I'd suggest that you stop chasing her for intimacy and talk frankly about how she is treating you like some sort of slave. Good luck.

Jessica4444 Wed 15-Feb-17 21:51:28

She seems a prude its all fine her having a good body as you say but not that you get to touch it. You really should open your eyes to what's happening here.

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 11:12:24

"Prude" hmm

user1487166445 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:06:38

Thanks again guys. I never had my wife labelled as a prude but it's interesting you think that and I can see why. She certainly wasn't always like that. I wonder how you reverse her behaviour? How does one encourage her to get horny feelings again?

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 12:11:06

I'm not sure how you fix a prude. Is being frigid like being a scold? If so, I guess the same remedy would solve both deficiencies.

user1487166445 Thu 16-Feb-17 12:28:33

Sorry for being thick but what is the best treatment for a Scold VivDeering? Put her over my knee?!!

VivDeering Thu 16-Feb-17 12:31:57

Scold's bridle? Afternoon in the stocks?

Dadaist Thu 16-Feb-17 17:06:34

If there are no major tensions in your relationship that she has ever raised then you probably need to face up to things. Ultimately for her to feel the desire to be intimate with you, she would need to respect you- admire you, appreciate you - love you even? It doesn't sound as if any of those crucial building blocks of a healthy sexual partnership are in place.
I don't know if there is anything you can do to win back her trust or admiration, but everything you have said is focussed on her. You may need to step right back, take a long hard look, and make some decisions for yourself?

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