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When does the crying stop?

(21 Posts)
differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 16:47:25

7 months into separation from dh. Thing is it didn't happen because we don't love each other. No abuse. Things we had to deal with (pressures from outside) were awful. We started to argue, he spent as much time as possible out of the house. I tried to cling on. He got too close to someone else (emotionally but physically) but ended it and admitted it to me in tears. I screamed and shouted and offloaded all my rage onto him. He left.

I am so desparately sad still. I am struggling, and so is he. But he feels we are too far down the line to save anything. He admits he still has feelings for me though.

How do I make the tears stop? How do I force myself to stop loving him? I keep welling up and the whole thing is really starting to effect my mental health.

Shouldn't I be further on by now? We were together 10 years. I feel so lost.

differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 16:50:31

Sorry, lots of typos. Emotionally not physically

Applesauce29 Wed 15-Feb-17 16:52:44

flowers hope you can move on soon and stop hurting

gluteustothemaximus Wed 15-Feb-17 16:55:25

Wow. No you shouldn't be further on, it's only been 7 months.

Especially as there was no real closure. You still love each other. Your relationship broke down over outside influences, which led to your DH escaping emotionally with someone else.

Is there any way of getting counselling together? Life is so short. If he was/is your soul mate, and feelings are still there on both sides, I would want to give it everything.

Before outside influences, were you very happy etc? Got to be worth fighting for.

Wishing you lots of luck x

differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 17:00:33

I have suggested counselling. He doen't want to. Not at the moment he said as he needs the space. We were happy otherwise, except for the odd disagreement about stuff.

Flickk22 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:01:19

I am only 2 months into a desperation and actually haven't cried once. I obviously have very sad moments and fleeting moments where I will remember something, but I think ultimately I know I do not want him back and I miss our family, not him.

I think if you are still so sad 7 months on perhaps there is hope of reconciliation? I do think if you were really sure you both wanted to split you wouldn't feel like that.

Maybe I am just not emotional enough though grin

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:07:10

Why don't you use him not wanting things any more to continue, to be the springboard for the rest of your life?

conscientioussuicidee Wed 15-Feb-17 17:08:55

While it feels a long time when you are there 7 mths isn't long. I'm now 14mths on and a still get those moments. Grief of what it was(when ok) and future that is lost.

That hole does slowly get smaller and heal up

Crying when you need to is ok I think. Let it go and then do something kind to yourself.

Take care xxx

differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 17:09:01

See I was wondering whether it is just the life with someone that I am missing or whether I am just scared of an uncertain future. I think it's really him though. My friends want me to get angry with him and list all his bad traits but I can't sad.

I might look into counselling for me.

differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 17:12:00

TheNaze, yes I understand that. I know I need to do that. I will have to let go. I just don't quite believe him when he says these things.

troodiedoo Wed 15-Feb-17 17:21:55

Is it possible that he's "enjoying" stringing you along? (i say that for want of a better phrase, I mean no ill will)

If he says he doesnt want to save the relationship, use every ounce of your strength to say ok and not discuss it any further. (assuming you have kids so need to be in contact to discuss them). Then do all your crying/screaming/venting etc well away from him.

It will get better x

Adora10 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:22:17

Believe him OP, he is telling you he does not want a reconciliation, definitely not now anyway.

You are making excuses for him, he left you! We all suffer shit in our lives and don't up and leave a person we purport to love, you just don't!

He's being nice but he clearly wants to stay away; you need to move on now, he's possibly already dating; he clearly has no regard for fidelity even when with you.

Listen to your friends. You need to see him for what he is and not for the romantic image in your head that you have of him and you, it's not real, he's a liar, a cheat and he's kindly trying to keep you at arms length.

You don't deserve any of that; that's not love. NC is the only way, stop clinging on and look to his actions.

differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 17:37:33

Thank you, Adora, I think I needed that. I am trying to sort out the separation but he blocks everything. He doesn't want to divorce just now, but also does not want a separation agreement drawn up to sort finances. He still pays his share of the house. Has sent me flowers for my birthday and wanted to take me out to my favourite restaurant. I have said no. I try to keep contact to a minimum. When I contact him about these things, he gets emotional. Says he can't deal with this just yet.

differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 17:38:33

God, reading this back, no wonder my head all over the place confused

Adora10 Wed 15-Feb-17 17:44:32

No sorry, he's keeping you on the back burner whilst he checks out other opportunities.

About time you took some control and at least show him that you are not going to sit around waiting on him deciding if you are good enough, he's the cheat and the deserter, not you.

differentlifenow Wed 15-Feb-17 18:00:14

So what do I do now? Can I start divorce preceedings without him agreeing to it? I haven't even seen a solicitor yet.

troodiedoo Wed 15-Feb-17 18:19:17

I would see a solicitor as soon as possible. You don't need to start divorce proceedings but it will help you feel in control to know what your options are.

whostolethesocks Wed 15-Feb-17 18:56:53

Six years on, divorce well out of the way and I still cry. Not over losing ExH but what we had as a family and how it changed all our lives. Just not what I had planned. :-(

conscientioussuicidee Wed 15-Feb-17 19:33:29

You can file for divorce. Without a two year period of separation it would have to be something like adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

Nothing to stop you filing tho he can contest i think.

Re working out what you miss - in your situation where it's not 100%clear it's done I'm not surprised you feel like you miss him as part of it- when he's effectively available and offering dinner (all v odd).

Is it a feeling that you are missing out of stuff with him? I had that feeling and when it comes up I wheel out my list of reasons for the split and it becomes clear again why.

Canlifegetbetter Fri 17-Feb-17 08:52:34

You are in limbo because he is planning it to be that way.He's left, won't do counselling so you can fix things but won't end it.

I'm sure he cares for you but does he love you enough to fight for the relationship? Actions speak louder than words.
His actions before leaving shows he had one foot out of the door.

Be realistic, what were the things he let you down on?
I am separated 4 months and I know the pain you feel.I don't want the marriage to end but I don't feel it's fixable either.
I cry for the losses we have as a family but know my stbxh isn't capable of making me happy long term.
I know you mentioned outside pressures but your H doesn't seem to have the skills to manage his emotions or the tough times.He looks to get out when the going gets tough.

differentlifenow Fri 17-Feb-17 09:06:02

Your post makes a lot of sense, canlife. What hurts most is the way he left and the emotional affair for want of a better words. Yes, he cares for me but clearly not enough to at least try to move forward with me.

He always had a habit of walking away from issues rather than facing them. The outside pressures were horrendous though. I can't say too much as it's outing. Think major crime affecting his family, court cases and county wide news coverage. I realised too late how much it had affected him and might have not always be as patient as I should have been. I tried to keep an element of normality, still see friends and do our regular activities, which he wasn't ready for.

That's all water under the brigde now I suppose. I have made an appoinment with a counsellor to talk through some of my thoughts and hope to get a better perspective.

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