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Is this life???

(18 Posts)
weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 13:51:07

NC for this one.
Sorry if a bit long but need to let it out been bothering me for long time.
A bit of background:
Been together for 10 years have 2dc and pregnant.
In general he is kind, sensible, respect me, he have his issues, not the smartest specially at work and a bit lazy, have no value for money.
He doesn't talk much, specially when sad or angry. He keep it to himself and want his space.
When talking about me in public he says that i am the best think that ever happened to him, he wouldn't survive without me.
His way of making me happy is keeping things that he know I wouldn't like a secret.
Like he would lie to my face about stupid things just to try not to argue with me.
On the other hand:
I can be a bit controlling, but i feel someone have to sail the ship and he isn't specially financially.
I love to talk and to open up about my feelings but with him not responding i am used of letting it go.
Our sexual life isn't that good. He can stay away for a month or more and most of the time its me who make the move.
When i ask him if he is happy he replies that he can't be happier and there is nothing more that he would wish for.
Well i am not happy.
I feel that i am not his wife, i just feel that i am a business partner. I feel the only reason we are together is the kids. I don't feel that he is attracted to me. I feel sometimes that maybe he have a secret life somewhere (i must admit i have no proof of that).
We are under stress specially financially and socially. We live in a country with no relatives at all, he is working full time i work part time.
No savings and not much friends.
I feel so lonely.
If I don't organise a day out for the weekend we will spend it at home. He never make the effort and if I complain he always put not having enough money as excuse and that going out cost a lot. If he ever plan something we always end up paying a lot.
I guess thats why he always wants me to plan. But i am fed up.

Montane50 Wed 15-Feb-17 15:42:26

Well a lot of background and you're clearly fed up. But what do you actually want?

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 18:43:15

I am not sure, I probably just needed to let it out. Do u think i am the problem?

user1486924355 Wed 15-Feb-17 18:55:54

When you say he isn't the smartest, especially at work, what do you mean, exactly?

Montane50 Wed 15-Feb-17 18:56:34

Absolutely you aren't the problem! Sometimes in life a perfectly nice couple change or grow apart, or just weren't well suited. Never blame yourself but take a look and see if its something you can talk to him about? He may be feeling the same-you are pregnant and have 2dcs, thats a lot of pressure on you both x

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 20:39:10

He never keep a job for long time. Keep on changing. Get stressed over normal tasks.
Doesn't accept comments on his work and get angry easily.

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 20:41:40

Montane when i ask him whats the problem his answer is what problem. Everything is perfect. He doesn't feel that there is a problem at all. If i ask on a specific thing he always blame himself and promise thongs will change, but in less than a month we will be at point zero again

Jayfee Wed 15-Feb-17 20:52:29

perhaps having a third child with your financial pressures is increasing the strain. how old are you and your 2 dcs. you might need to build more social things for yourself and some of these will extend to husband too. the winter is a dreary time...

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 21:03:40

Jayfee, I wouldn't say we are struggling to live. After tax we end up with about 55k which is not bad in my opinion but we do spend it all no saving at all. We go back home every time we have some extra cash.
I am able to control my spending bit he isn't. As long as he have something he find the way of spending it.

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 21:06:01

3rd baby was more his wish. Dcs are 8 and 2 by the time i go back to work dd2 will be nursery so child care cost would still be the same.

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 21:08:53

I feel its my fault that i am not easy to satisfy maybe.
I want us to have our own house which will be a lot cheaper than this bloody rent.
He is happy like that. Doesn't care.
He feel that we work hard to get the cash so we can spend it and there is no need to save for what ever reason.

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 21:11:00

Social life, is again from his side.
I love meeting friends, visits and stuff he doesn't.
He need long time to even be able to get a conversation with someone. So my friends can't be his for some reason .

pocketsaviour Wed 15-Feb-17 21:26:56

His way of making me happy is keeping things that he know I wouldn't like a secret.
Like he would lie to my face about stupid things just to try not to argue with me.

Is one of his parents an alcoholic, or have untreated MH issues? This is a very common learned behaviour for adult children of alcoholics.

sammidanis Wed 15-Feb-17 21:49:53

Sorry off topic OP,
Pocket Saviour: Do you know why adult children of alcoholics have learned to do this? I'm intrigued

weirdfeeling Wed 15-Feb-17 21:55:48

No his parents aren't alcoholics, never been.
I think he used to be in his early 20s.

wantstostartanadventure Thu 16-Feb-17 08:24:09

I could have wrote this and I know how hard it is.
My DC very much the same and after discussing separating we have finally gone to counselling and DC just been diagnosed with depression. Not sure if pills or threat of separation but the difference is incredible (not sure it will last, but ever the optimist) he is kind, helpful and the biggest change is he listens to me.
I would suggest he take a trip to the GP (I had been suggesting this to DH for years) so it might fall on deaf ears, but I couldn't say nothing on this thread as it resonates so much with my situation. Big love to you x

weirdfeeling Thu 16-Feb-17 20:15:08

Wantstostart thank you for sharing and hope he will change for good.
My partner is on antidepressant for few years now but I can't see how it is helping.
All the gp is doing is feeding him with meds.
I feel our problem is that he can't see that there is a problem, he is in denial and every time i try to suggest counselling he change the subject promising that things will change and he will try better.

wantstostartanadventure Fri 17-Feb-17 08:27:24

Oh my love. This is such a horrible feeling.
For me the change has only been in the last week, but I don't know what to say if he is already on meds (and his own counselling?).
It is so hard to keep fighting to save a relationship when it is so one sided.
No more advice just lots of love and support coming your way.

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