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communication issues

(8 Posts)
User4466 Wed 15-Feb-17 01:58:53

So firstly, I have a loving, and caring partner. He is gentle and kind. I know how much he loves me, this is not the issue.

I am not really sure if there is an issue, but basically I am frequently upset because of a few things that I see as a problem. I feel he doesn't communicate with me enough. It can be small things - forgetting/not thinking to tell me that he has paid a bill (so that I don't also pay it), or that the neighbours invited us for dinner (even if he told them we can't go I would still like to know that we were invited)... to bigger things - deliberately omitting something because he doesn't want to make himself or me feel uncomfortable. We saw a woman he used to know at a wedding, he seemed a bit uncomfortable around her and after some asking he explains they have hooked up in their early 20's (we are both early 30's and have been together 7 years). He doesn't outright tell me because he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable, but for the sake of being open and honest, I would have mentioned it to him - for the record this didnt bother me about the woman! It was before our time but i just feel it's courteous to let your partner know, isn't that part of having open communication?

This is an ongoing issue. I bring up how important communication is To me - but still i don't feel I'm getting enough from him. Please note the reason it is an issue is because very early in our relationship there was some lying on his behalf (no cheating and not to do with women - we were also 23 at the time), so it has been important ever since to really keep the openness and honesty there.

Do you think I am asking too much? Does it matter if he doesn't mention things like paying bills or discussions with neighbours etc? I feel it has become a problem because he is not meeting my expectation, but maybe my expectation is too high? I think in the end I am worried about getting hurt and this is my way to avoid feeling betrayed like I did in the early days?

He says he will try and improve this (and he has improved) but it's still a problem as I feel it doesn't come naturally to him to be so open, so it often only happens after a conversation about how I'm feeling, and then within time it kind of gets forgotten. I have never had good relationships with men (absent father and previous unhealthy relationships) so I hope I am not taking that out on him!

Genuinely after some feedback - do you have this problem? Do you think I'm being hard work?

Jessica4444 Wed 15-Feb-17 02:10:57

You sound controlling. He doesn't have to tell you who he was knocking around with before because to him these women are insignificant to him and to you as a couple. Yes he should mention the bills because its practical but not every last conversation he has with people on a daily basis.

FritzDonovan Wed 15-Feb-17 02:42:52

If he's lied to you before, I don't think he should be deliberately keeping things from you because HE THINKS it would make you uncomfortable. Choosing to keep secrets for this reason never ends well.

user1477282676 Wed 15-Feb-17 02:45:27

You need an account for bills....which you both pay into and with direct deibts.

That's that one sorted out.

The neighbour's and dinner...yabu a bit. My husband and I don't tell one another EVERYTHING.

The hook up....yabu. Why should he talk about that??

User4466 Wed 15-Feb-17 03:10:58

I don't know, I don't think I am controlling, to me it is just about being an open book. I guess I did not explain properly about our problems early on. There was ongoing lying for a period of time to my face. one of my good friends was dating my ex partner, (turns out this was going on while I was dating my ex partner - so my ex partner was cheating on me with my friend) my current partner was aware that this happened, and I felt very betrayed that he never told me (I looked like a good as I only found out 6 months after I was with my new partner) he would also cover for her (so lie to me for her). I guess I have never gotten over this so in the back of my mind there will always be the 'is he lying?' I find that when he is 'deliberately omitting' something I find myself in a panic that we will be in the same place we were 7 years ago, even though I can understand why he would not want to bring that up (about the wedding lady). If IABU, can somebody please give me advise about how I might better handle the anxiety related to him not being as open as I would like? Is my

User4466 Wed 15-Feb-17 03:16:28

User - I like your idea about the account for bills etc and direct debits. I will organise this with him tonight. He is generally forgetful which sonetimes makes me feel like his mum as I often find myself reminding him to pay bills or other chores.

User4466 Wed 15-Feb-17 03:27:52

Jessica - Yes from a practicality point of view it is an issue. The only reason I mentioned the 'smaller' issues was because I feel that it is a communication issue in general, not just avoiding talking about more difficult things. Maybe these two things are completely unrelated and I shouldn't lump them together, as one if just him being forgetful and the other is him deliberately choosing not to communicate with me?

I agree it is irrelevant to our relationship about the woman, but I still feel that for a relationship that has struggled with honesty and trust in the past, he could use a situation like that to show me that he is open with me if that makes sense?

Sugarlumps333 Wed 15-Feb-17 03:49:12

Sounds like he has worked out the key to a quiet life is to just omit some things incase you overreact... no offence OP but you sound like hard work. Also, not everyone thinks the same way you do - in general I mean he is not going to be constantly thinking of new ways to demonstrate his 'openness' to you. Sounds like he does his best but you need a lot of reassurance. The past is the past, I think you should let go and try to not let it cloud your present relationship, otherwise let DP go

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