Not sure what I'm looking for but here goes. I am in my 30's been married for 6 years, with partner since 17. He was everything I felt I wasn't and only ever dreamt of having a relationship that lasted forever, having children that were brought up in a close family with parents together. I'm from a broken home, my husbands family very close and all with their first partners.
7 years ago, I found out about an affair my partner was having and I felt my life had ended. We had a mortgage, I panicked and begged him to stay. I put unnecessary pressure on myself that I'd never find someone and therefore risk never having children. We worked through it but I spent at least 5 years torturing myself with thoughts of this other woman.
We married a year after the affair because we decided we wanted to try for children. We now have 2 wonderful children who we both adore. However over the years I feel we no longer care for each other. We have had a turbulent relationship and argue a lot even in front of the children, which I hate but don't seem to be able to control. I feel I am provoked and then put down when I've reacted to feel like a poor mother. We no longer spend any alone time together. We spend evenings in separate rooms and I feel ever so lonely.
I just don't know when enough is enough and whether telling your kids in x many years that the reason their parents aren't together was because mummy thought she could be happier is a good enough reason. I feel like I'm waiting for something 'major' to happen to be the turning point and I've already missed so many opportunities but I stuck around.
I just feel so guilty for not loving their father anymore but I know every day I stick it out is another day of not finding happiness for me.
All of my feelings are made worse by the fact that he just doesn't seem to see it and is happy!? I think he is scared of the change it would bring and even the fact that I am the main earner so the effect it would have on him financially. And of course not seeing the children every day which for both of us would be heartbreaking.
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Finding your own happiness-selfish?
7 replies
Muddledmind · 15/02/2017 00:27
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