Old love - maybe now the time is right?(36 Posts)
I'll call him A. I met him when we worked together, 3.5 years ago. We don't work together anymore.
We had an instant connection. First a friendship, he was lovely to me, took me under his wing when I joined. It was a long distance job, me working from home and going to the office occasionally, where he worked.
I was separated from my my now exH, he was working and living away and just coming back every other weekend to see the dcs.
A and I eventually realised we both wanted more and started spending time together outside of work when I was in town. I stayed over, it was all amazing. At work he was my best friend. In bed it was electric. When we were apart we chatted all the time. We had that deep connection when you totally get and accept each other. I was in love with him.
But. He's 5 years younger than me and he wanted children of his own etc. So it ended. I was heartbroken, but I knew at the time it was right to break up.
So I moved on, met someone else, so did he. We remained very close friends but of course it was different - we both tamed the chatting etc as wouldn't have been fair on our new partners.
Nonetheless whenever I needed a true friend, he was there.
Fast forward and my new relationship ended after 2.5 years. A has seen a few people in that time but nothing has lasted.
I tried OLD and met someone in January I thought was lovely and perfect and he said he felt the same but then ghosted me at the weekend for no obvious reason and I was left feeling pretty shit about it. I'm early 40s with 2 dcs and I was losing hope.
I couldn't help but think about A - the kind, caring, best friend who is super hot and totally gets me. I've been thinking about him a lot the last couple of days. Mainly in the context that after my ghosting out of the blue from OLD, I'm wondering if I will ever meet anyone who wants me, understands me, is kind and upstanding and gorgeous all rolled into one... and those thought always, without fail, lead me back to A.
Anyway, tonight, out of the blue, A messages me to wish me happy Valentine's Day. We haven't chatted for a few weeks. Long story short, he says he loves me, always has, the obstacles that were there before no longer apply, he wants to be a family with me and my dcs.
He had been seeing someone for 3 months but he knows she's not right for him.
I told him with no uncertainty that I can't have any more babies, so that's the big one. He did know that, but I made it clear he needs to not skip over that or have any false hope. It would also mean him moving to where I live. Quite a distance and change of scene.
But we are 3 years down the line and I think he has realised that trying to tick boxes is nott the way to go. It's love that is important.
For me, he is perfect. I think (hope) he's had long enough to realise that if he's really in love with me, and that's why it's not working out with anyone else, then it's pointless him keep holding out for something else. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I don't really have a question as such, just wanted to put this out there for any thoughts, advice on what I should consider if he wakes up tomorrow and is still feeling the same.
I do believe him and also know the friendship would survive as it has before. But it's a bolt out of the blue and I need some perspective as I don't want to get caught up in something on a whim. But I do still have all the same feelings for him. Argh!
Any advice gratefully received
If he's seriously up for it, I think you would be mad to hold back. Emotionally that is, the practical side of things would take longer. And there are the DCs to consider.
You love him. He says he loves you. Go for it! Life is short.
I can see your dilemma, OP. He's around 37 - he does have a lot of time still to change his mind and to have a child with another woman - if he was late 40s I'd be more sure as it's more reliable that he 'gaev up' on having his own dc. Also if your dc are not very young, he may not become a proper step father.
I think you need to listen to what he has to say properly, not jus tvia message obviously. Try and see how he motivates it and whether having dc is genuinely not important to him, or is he just impatient to fell in love again but then it might not be enough for him in a a couple of years. He needs to be absolutely convincing that he is not bothered with having own dc. you do need to be careful and protect your feelings, but if he is convincing than consider it seriously.
Go for it, my friend has recently married her younger husband following almost the same scenario re splitting up as he thought he wanted kids etc he decided in the end that he wanted her more. They are so happy together and love each other to bits.
*feel in love (not 'fell)
and I'm not trying to demean feeling in love, but it needs to be something deep and lasting not 'the thrill'.
How lovely to her that from someone you're seeing as the 'one that got away' and on Valentine's day too. My advice is to take it slowly. Very slowly. He doesn't have dc. How old are yours? It is a big adjustment for everyone and not to be made lightly. I had a baby in my 40s with a younger man and our relationship didn't last because he found family life dull. He's a good dad and I dont regret my dd but I wish for her things were different.
Tread very carefully & don't rush back to where you were with him. It could work but, the children thing for him, could be a dark cloud over everything
Thank you all. You're all echoing what I think my concerns are. I've told him to have a long hard think about it. I'm not going to rush anything. We can't anyway because of the distance.
I'd love to think it will all just slot into place because of the strong connection we've always had but I need him to think hard about the practicalities.
Ugh I wish I could just fast forward to being settled and happy!
Could I ask,with utmost respect and in order to understand full picture- are you unable to have more kids or just do r wish to due to your age and the age of your kids ?
Technically I could but it wouldn't be a good idea for health reasons and I don't want to anyway. I don't want to go back to the baby stage. My dcs are 7 and 9.
I'm not sure. He may love you but it's a massive thing to be giving up and may end up changing his mind in the future or being resentful that you have kids but he doesn't. I also don't think that if I loved someone that I would be with them mowing he wanted children and I didn't want anymore. I don't think I'd be happy in myself and I'd feel guilty.
If I understand correctly you have not had a chance at a "proper" full time relationship as yet, so surely it will have to start there ?
I think you should go for it but I'm also going to ask if you would consider having a child with him? If you are somewhere between 40-44 then there is still a chance of a baby for you both. Even if you had to use other methods (IVF etc) it's not out of the question. Is this something you would consider? I know I would in your shoes.
sorry- just saw your reply. It's your choice, but your DCs are young still. Another baby is not totally out of the question and if I had a younger partner who was broody, I'd give it some really hard thought.
No, I wouldn't. The health issue isn't about conceiving, it's a long term condition I have.
Also, as PP have said, we haven't had a proper relationship yet, so it would be a couple of years down the line for baby talk, and then I'd be even older. I could never promise a baby for the sake of a relationship. 5 years ago maybe, but not now.
I think it all depends on how much you are both willing to compromise. Given that this is an old flame, I don't see why when in your 40s, 'baby talk' needs to be 2 years away.
You need to be sure that he won't at some point walk away for a woman who can have his child. There is a difference between a couple finding they are infertile and a couple where one partner refuses to have a child when they know the other wants one.
He could still be a father in 10 or 15 years' time.
Playing devil's advocate, you say you wouldn't promise a baby for the sake of a relationship.
So how can you promise a relationship when the other person wants a baby?
How is this surmountable?
And does your health condition impact on you day to day? Is this something he is aware of and is it likely to restrict what you can do together?
Not being harsh but asking some hard questions!
Going back to your first post, you said you split up because he wanted children.
I wonder if you are both feeling bruised after some relationships that haven't worked out so you are coming back to each other like a 'safe house'? But the issue that broke you up is still the same. He can't 'love you' really when you've not had a relationship yet. I think that's living in a fairytale world to think it's like that.
You see, he's the one who is going to compromise; moving to a new place, not having his own kids, living with you and being a step parent....that's one heck of a change. Even one of those would be a big issue for most people.
Have you talked through any of this? Are you sure he isn't just seeing you as a someone to turn to when things haven't worked out for him?
Yes and that is why it ended before, because of all that. He's the one who has come to me at this point. I reminded him of all that. It's for him to decide if he wants to give it a go despite the compromises. I've been nothing but clear about what I can and can't compromise on.
A baby is definitely not something I want and I've made that very clear to him.
My health is not an issue for him.
Well, you have to wait and see how he feels.
You need to be sure he's not just turned to good old Oncemore for some comfort and ego boosting when his other relationships didn't work out. It's got to be rooted in the reality of the life you'd have, not a rebound reaction to other stuff ending. But you know this.
Sea you are right. I'm wary of the potential for just looking to the comfortable option. We could both be guilty of that. I'm treading very carefully and realistically. Thanks for the advice, it's what I need
It's definitely a tricky one because he may say to you now he's ok with never having his own biological kid but people and feelings do change and he might down the line wish he had that option- though I'm sure right now he means what he says.
However I'm a big believer of you'll never know unless you try and is it better to take the safe option and always wonder "what if?" Or take the risk and roll with it ?
Would you kick yourself if you let the opportunity to rekindle go?
Take one step at a time, don't rush it. It will become clear soon if he's ego boosting or genuine.
Good luck, OP. Hope it works out for you. x
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