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6+ years and not ready?

(33 Posts)
sillywoman12 Tue 14-Feb-17 22:45:45

Hi everyone. Thanks for reading this it may be a long one but really need some help sad I don't know if I'm being silly and blinded or if I'm being unreasonable and need an eye opening. I admit I walk into things with one eye closed sometimes so guess I've come here to get some advice on if I'm doing it again so I can rectify it. Mums net has been amazing!

My story started in 2010 when I met someone and a year and half later we moved in together while studying for 4 years. In total we were together just over 5 years and we split up (his choice) due to pressures of settling down and disagreements from family. During the years we had an amazing relationship he was there when I needed him and supported me in any way he could but also came bad times..he spoke inappropriately to some girls a few times and each time I'd find out..girls and him claimed nothing happened. We broke up and he moved on to someone else a few months later and then came back to me..I took him back and then he dropped me and went back to her..happened a few times but claim it was because I would always bring up what's happened in arguments everyday. Other girl also kept messaging him and she would persuade him to come back. Now he came back for the 'final' time and says he's realised and knows what he wants and wants to commit but when it came to it he's not saying he's scared at how fast things are going and scared of the first steps. I said if he's not sure then we should go our separate ways because we've been through so much and i need that security. Family problems are all sorted and both sides agree..now the only problem is him and him feeling pressured and forced to all meet up and talk about taking next steps (we come from traditional Asian families) - an i being unreasonable to say we need to commit as it'll give me security and I will not feel on edge ultimately starting fresh in our relationship for us both? If he's not ready now when will he be? He claims we've changed from the year we've been apart and need to know each other again and see how things go..I'm trying to avoid myself getting hurt each time and don't know if I'm walking into getting hurt again. I truly love him from the bottom on my heart so it's a head vs heart battle sad

JoJoSM2 Tue 14-Feb-17 22:49:49

No commitment will give you any security. He will just go behind your back. I would not even consider getting back together with the guy. Wait until you find the love of your life and they will think you are the love of their life. Not a plonker who plays you for years.

Solasum Tue 14-Feb-17 22:50:30

Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he will (or won't) do next? I would walk away and find someone who doesn't erode your confidence

sillywoman12 Tue 14-Feb-17 22:51:40

He's saying he wants to take baby steps with a relationship but engagement scares him hence asking is it me being unfair? He wants to do all the couples stuff we used to do before engagement but wants to stay in a relationship

Solasum Tue 14-Feb-17 22:55:09

I think you need to be firm on this. You have already been together for 5 years. That is more than enough time to know someone well. If he really wanted to be married to you he would be. Don't let him waste anymore of your time

sillywoman12 Tue 14-Feb-17 23:14:30

That's what I thought..people change constantly but we know each other as it's been over 5 years..the main things don't change in a year in my eyes but not in his

ExplodedCloud Tue 14-Feb-17 23:24:34

He's never going to be ready. Sorry. You need to stop giving him chances and find someone who will

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 14-Feb-17 23:36:26

He repeatedly flip flopped between you and another girl. This is who he is. I would not bet much that he would be monogamous even if you ever got him to commit.

You have already dumped a bunch of time on this guy. Don't get caught by the sunken cost fallacy (google) and throw additional time at it.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander Tue 14-Feb-17 23:38:02

Honestly, you can do better.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Tue 14-Feb-17 23:41:16

He's been a crap boyfriend and he'll be a worse husband. Do not, whatever you do, get back with this man. He's not good enough for you.

Look for a man who really cares for you, respects you and will be faithful to you. Go out whenever you get the chance and make new friends. Someone else will come along. I met my DH after we were introduced by a friend.

One day this guy will be nothing but a bad memory. You won't be able to believe he was ever so important.

jouu Wed 15-Feb-17 00:11:53

He'll always be the person you see before you OP, he's never going to feel ready and you are never going to feel secure.

Words don't matter. Actions matter. He's shown you really clearly with his actions what he thinks of you and the relationship... It's time to let go. He will only bring you heartache.

All the best OP, this is a really sad situation for you, I know.

twattymctwatterson Wed 15-Feb-17 00:21:34

Why do you want to be with this guy? He picks you up and drops you whenever he feels like it

Tigger1986 Wed 15-Feb-17 00:27:12

If he isn't ready now then I don't think he ever will be. Sorry sad the other girl has probably got fed up of him flitting back and to and you're still there waiting for him...basically it's easy for him to just come back to you. If you don't mind me asking how old are you? Feel so sorry for you as you probably feel like because you've invested so much time in this relationship that you don't want to give up as you've 'wasted' so long. But in another five years you could have met someone else who appreciates you for you and doesn't mess you around flowers

AhYerWill Wed 15-Feb-17 06:48:59

That 'on edge' feeling you have doesn't come from the fact you aren't engaged, it's because he is an unfaithful manchild. A shiny ring won't help him keep it in his pants.

Pushing for commitment from a man that doesn't want it and is already cheating openly on you is a recipe for heartbreak (and divorce in future). There are many men out there that are faithful and loving, be kind to yourself and find one of them to marry instead.

MoreThanUs Wed 15-Feb-17 06:53:16

I agree with this:
That 'on edge' feeling you have doesn't come from the fact you aren't engaged, it's because he is an unfaithful manchild. A shiny ring won't help him keep it in his pants.

End it now, or your precious life will pass you by.

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Feb-17 06:56:32

He's messing with you, surely you see it? And in terms of commitment, engagement is worth the square root of fuck all anyway. You can do better than this

Surreyblah Wed 15-Feb-17 07:03:20

He isn't trustworthy. Best to move on.

And reflect on why you kept taking someone back who treated you like that.

Aussiebean Wed 15-Feb-17 07:27:16

Tell him to go find someone he isn't afraid to commit to while you go find someone who isn't afraid to commit to you.

CoffeeDiamonds Wed 15-Feb-17 07:30:52

I married DH 13 months after we met. We were sure.

He's had plenty of time. Find someone better.

sillywoman12 Wed 15-Feb-17 10:58:43

Ahhh thank you all for the advice..it's the fear of letting go of what your used to if you understand what I mean sad

Isetan Wed 15-Feb-17 11:10:15

The issue isn't him, it's you and why you have hung around for a man who has fundamentally different views to relationships, fidelity and commitment.

sillywoman12 Wed 15-Feb-17 11:16:36

I don't know..I know I've been stupid to do so but his words when he comes back drag me..I do agree they may be a underlining issue with me and don't know what steps I need to take to resolve it

ExplodedCloud Wed 15-Feb-17 11:37:34

don't know what steps I need to take to resolve it
Start with understanding that he has control over his actions and you must let him go.
Work on your self esteem and expect fidelity as a minimum. If you're happy being single then ending a bad relationship isn't so scary.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-Feb-17 11:45:34

By persuading you to start afresh and take things slooowly he is buying time for himself. He is half-hearted and deep down hoping you will grow sick of it and say goodbye, so he won't be the bad guy.

Surreyblah Wed 15-Feb-17 11:47:05

Take things so "slowly" you never contact him again!

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