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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do decent men date single mothers?

62 replies

ChampagneSparkles · 14/02/2017 19:07

I've been single for a year and a half now and have a 1 year old DD.

I want to get back in to dating but I'm worried about mentioning my DD in case this puts men off. I'm not looking for someone to replace DD's dad. I just want to see a few guys, no sex and just get to know people and build my confidence.

I'm in my mid 20's and quite attractive. Can I still have a successful relationship in the future with a great guy who can accept that I have a child from a previous relationship?. I have no evidence that the best men out there prefer childless women. But I'm convinced it's true. I don't want to be with a loser.

OP posts:

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gamerchick · 14/02/2017 19:11

I had 3, one has SN. He's now my husband and still awesome.

Some men won't go for it but there are none arseholes out there who don't mind. I take it you wouldn't be interested in a man who has kids either if that's your judgment?

smu06set · 14/02/2017 19:11

The best men date single mothers - i met my now husband when my son was 2 and he will be 10 next week!

Ilovecaindingle · 14/02/2017 19:13

My dh is one of the good guys. . I had ten dc when we met. We have a toddler now- 4 years down the line still happy and content!! He says he feels privileged to be part of our lives and to have been accepted by so many!!

BeautifulLiar · 14/02/2017 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueFolly · 14/02/2017 19:18

If you think that you can only attract losers then I think you're probably not in the best frame of mind for dating.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 14/02/2017 19:19

DP did, and I'm so glad he did. We've been together 6 years this year and he's as decent as they come.

WannaBe · 14/02/2017 19:25

Tbh I don't think that a man who doesn't want to date someone with children is an arsehole or a loser. It's a personal preference, and you only have to look at the step parenting board to see that it's never straightforward.

I personally wouldn't get involved with someone who has kids even though I have a DS of my own. But conversely I wouldn't have an issue with someone who didn't want to be involved with me because I have a child, just as long as everyone is up-front about their feelings and no-one is leading anyone else on.

Ultimately there will be men who will and men who won't. The ones who won't obviously won't be right for you but that's just the way it goes.

FWIW I've been with my DP for four years and he knew from the start about DS and the fact I am here to facilitate his relationship with his dad. He and DP have a good relationship to the extent DS was happy to stay here on a weekend when I was in hospital so he could come with DP to see me.

Don't ever consider not mentioning your DD though. She's part of you, and it's only fair to any perspective man in your life that they know that they're potentially getting involved with someone who has children from the outset. At least then they can make their decisions from day1.

If a man told me weeks in that he had DC I would run a mile.

beyondbelief · 14/02/2017 19:26

Yes, they do.

I met Dp when ds was 8 and he's 14 now. He's a great step-dad and a lovely partner. We are a family.

However it's fine if men don't want to date women with children, that's a perfectly acceptable choice too.

Best strategy is to be upfront about your situation but wait a while (several months imo) before introducing any man to your kids.

ihatethecold · 14/02/2017 19:27

Yes. I met my DH 18 years ago when I had a 9 year old
We've been very happily married for 16 years.
He's taken the rough with the smooth and never tried to bail when it got tough.
He's the most respectful person I've ever met.

GoldenWondering · 14/02/2017 19:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ChampagneSparkles · 14/02/2017 19:34

Thank you all for the replies. I'm feeling a tad hopeful.

If you think that you can only attract losers then I think you're probably not in the best frame of mind for dating.

My self esteem has taken a knocking after DD and I'm still working on it. It probably is best to wait until I'm feeling my best before I do start dating though.

OP posts:

Notrevealingmyidentity · 14/02/2017 19:40

I'm sure they do. Some of them. It's a choice and people often have different things they want from life - children might be one of them.

As a woman in her 20s I don't particularly want to date a man who has children. I might but it's unlikely.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 14/02/2017 19:40

Sorry pressed post too soon.

That's mainly because I don't particularly want children at all.

AllTheBabies · 14/02/2017 19:45

My dp is the most decent of men. He's a wonderful dad to all our dc and loves dd1 like his own. He's a great partner, works hard and is generally lovely.

ConfusedCod · 14/02/2017 19:46

Errr BeautifulLiar

You have been dating for three months and you let a man bath and put your dc's to bed?!

Op you'll be fine there are plenty of good men out there who won't see your child as a bother.

Be smart about it though. There are also plenty of predatory men who will jump at the chance to date you because you have children.

So don't let him bath them after three months

PatMullins · 14/02/2017 19:47

Why would you be worried about the type of men that would be put off by you having a child?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 14/02/2017 19:50

Yeah, they do, of course. Dont mention that you have children on a dating profile though-wait until you meet them.

This made a me a bit WTF, I have to say:

I've been with my DP for almost three months now and so far, so good. He's fab. ] [He has helped feed and bath the kids and put them to bed.

Er...not sure letting a man you have been with a few weeks bath your kids is a great idea..?!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 14/02/2017 19:51

X post with confused

ConfusedCod · 14/02/2017 19:55

IfNotNowThenWhenever ate it's got crime watchers written all over it.

Bit sensitive on this issue I guess. My cousin had a very close call with a man she was dating, though luckily for her children she hadn't even let him meet them yet (had been dating eight months)

Turns out he shouldn't have been anywhere near children.

ChampagneSparkles · 14/02/2017 19:59

Why would you be worried about the type of men that would be put off by you having a child?

I'm not sure to be honest. I guess I just feel like they would be put off with someone who has too many responsibilities.

OP posts:

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 14/02/2017 20:00

This is the thing. There ARE men out there who target single mums, they really do exist. I have been with my fellow about 1.5 years, and its only now I'm starting to feel comfortable popping to the shops and leaving him alone with dc for any length of time (he doesn't live with us), and my child isn't a little one.
And its not because I have any bad feelings about dp, I don't of course, its just common sense.
Predators count on lone parents being grateful and lonely.
OP, date and be happy, but also be wise.

PatMullins · 14/02/2017 20:08

I do understand, my DD was the same age as yours when I met DP, they are out there

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TheNaze73 · 14/02/2017 20:21

Its all personal preference. I'm male & a Dad but, would never date a woman without children, as I think they're too needy & don't understand that once you have children, your priorities change. I think you'll be fine OP

Busybeesmum · 14/02/2017 20:26

I met my DH whilst pregnant with DS2. We're now married with 2 DDs. We've had tough times obviously but he's great and the older kids call him dad and love him!

Bant · 14/02/2017 21:07

I'm a decent bloke, and I prefer to date women with kids, because I have kids - and like naze says, you've got to have a common understanding of priorities.

And I don't think I want any more DC. I'm young enough to have them, but old enough to think it's unwise. If I date a woman without kids she's likely to want them (although not guaranteed) and so that's probably going to mean an end to things.

I'd rather meet a single mum. And there are many like me.

(Also, at letting a new bloke bathe your kids. )

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