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My DPs went NC with me

(23 Posts)
Pleasemrstweedie Tue 14-Feb-17 17:09:37

This happened a long, long time ago and could not be repaired, but I'm now having to deal with the fallout from their deaths.

Why did they do it? In my 30s and divorced, I lived with my DP and we had a DD.

I see lots of people on here who have gone NC with family, but no-one whose family have gone NC with them.

Has anyone else experienced the same?

Trollspoopglitter Tue 14-Feb-17 20:10:01

Er, why did they do it? Why are you asking the Internet? We don't have crystal balls. You could be a horrible psychopath and they were horrified despite their best effort, they raised you to be you. They could be horrible psychopaths who abused you and when you stood up to them, cut you off.

Or anything in between. confused

georgethecat Tue 14-Feb-17 21:10:31

What do you think the reasons were? Did they tell you? Did you argue?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Tue 14-Feb-17 21:14:45

Trolls nice hmm

MrsTweedie I understand the pain of losing somebody when you have 'unfinished business'. It's tough and I'm sorry you're going through that now. Even if you were at peace with the relationship being over, it's still hard to have the door closed for good.

Do you have no clues as to why they went NC? Do you have siblings who can talk this through with you?

Haffdonga Tue 14-Feb-17 21:18:07

Mrstweedie do you mean they did it because you had a dc with a man you weren't married to?

Haffdonga Tue 14-Feb-17 21:19:28

And if you do, I hope you know that, however painful, you were better off without people like that in your dc's life.

Pleasemrstweedie Tue 14-Feb-17 21:30:57

That's it. Five years after my marriage ended, I went to live with my new DP and we had a DC.

No, I'm not a psycho. I'm actually very normal.

I can't believe I am the only person this has ever happened to.

Kittencatkins123 Tue 14-Feb-17 21:36:17

Bit massively harsh Trolls

What were the circumstances around the time it happened?

Are you okay?

Trollspoopglitter Tue 14-Feb-17 22:06:34

Harsh how? I don't know the OP and I gave exaggerated examples from both sides of the spectrum, as there was nothing to base an opinion on in the original post. Blimey, maybe I should've advance searched confused

FourKidsNotCrazyYet Tue 14-Feb-17 22:15:53

I agree with trolls. It's not harsh, trolls is simply saying we can't help or say anything when we have no information. It's very unlikely it happened over absolutely nothing. So what was it? Start there and things may reveal themselves.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Tue 14-Feb-17 22:30:39

Your tone was just very rude and aggressive Trolls. It's not a nice way to speak to someone who is struggling. Or anyone for that matter. It wasn't what you said, it was the way you said it.

girlelephant Tue 14-Feb-17 22:47:04

Are there family or surviving friends of your parents you can ask?

Sweets101 Tue 14-Feb-17 23:05:54

How was their relationship with each other? Did one parent choose the other parent over you? Do you have siblings?

Montane50 Tue 14-Feb-17 23:14:58

Perhaps less of a dripfeed and more of a complete story would help?
Why did they go nc? Was it new partner? Did they see dgc?
Bit more information and it'll be easier to pass opinion

Pleasemrstweedie Wed 15-Feb-17 18:04:38

All I want to know is whether there is anyone else out there whose parents went NC with them.

I'm OK and my DC are OK, but I've never met anyone in a similar situation.

BantyCustards Wed 15-Feb-17 18:13:17

Yes. I have.

Difficult relationship with my suffocating and self-centred mother for years.

After her demanding to know exactly how I felt about my childhood and not hearing what she wanted to hear she went NC with me which also meant that she cut herself and the rest of my FOO (you don't go behind my mother's back without WWIII erupting).

A couple of years later I separated from my partner and she swept in like a shark after he contacted her to give his side of the story.

BantyCustards Wed 15-Feb-17 18:14:02

Which meant she had (or so she thought) access to my DC without my say so.

weeonion Wed 15-Feb-17 18:23:12

OP. It hasn't happened with me but the person I think of as an aunt went nc with her daughter and grandkids. My aunt did and said some pretty horrible things, which we were all shocked at. Her dd asked for an explanation and apology, which my aunt was not prepared to give and instead of taking responsibility, she went NC.

The rest of us are still in communication with her dd. I still think her mum treated her appallingly but my aunt feels she is a victim.

Chinnygirl Wed 15-Feb-17 18:37:50

I have a cousin who divorced. Her religious parents couldn't handle it because it was a sin. She needed to be punished. Very sad that people do that to their own kid.

That's the only one that I know of.

Montane50 Wed 15-Feb-17 18:42:23

Rude

LadyHelenOfShitsville Wed 15-Feb-17 19:16:58

Me OP. I decided to meet my father again after 32 years after therapy for an anxiety disorder which origins were rooted in childhood trauma and scapegoating abuse from my mother because I am the image of my father (parents very acrimoniously divorced when I was 6/7 and contact with father was severed by my mother as she remarried months afterwards). Thought meeting him would lay ghosts to rest. Mother decided that I had betrayed her, siblings felt the same. I confronted her about lots of things which happened to me as a child. She told me I deserved it all, nasty horrible child etc.

When she realised that I was not going to apologise for 'upsetting' her she cut me off, told my siblings that I was mental and they were not to contact me and that was that. One sibling told me outright that she could not contact me as it would be disloyal to my mother.

With my father, I could not get over my father's absence in my life when I was being abused on his behalf IUKWIM and discovered he had brought up another woman's DC. He just wanted to start afresh and pretend that he had never been out of my life and even wanted me to travel to him for our first meeting a few days after my birthday so no effort on his part. He didn't even bring me a birthday card after 32 years. I later told him some home truths (very politely actually) and he told me I needed counselling and should not contact him again until I was ready to have a 'grown up' relationship with him hmm.

I have come to accept that both my parents are very selfish people who always put their own feelings first.

I really won't be that upset when my father dies, he was gone too long. I was very upset when I discovered that my grandmother died when I was 22 (found that out when I met my father) as I would have liked to have met her again. I have no memories of the times I saw her as a young child and my mother constantly used to say I was like her - fat, ugly, disgusting etc. I would love to have a memory of her to know whether I was actually like her!

As for my mother, I will not know when she dies. I know she will tell my siblings not to tell me. I said I would track down her grave though just so I can spit on it (very angry after whole family snubbed my adult DD who tried to contact them). It will be painful for me as well as older DC who knew her. I am angry that I gave her the chance to go NC with me rather than the other way round but I would never have given up on her so easily. I just wanted an acknowledgement that she treated me so badly and stole my self esteem due to her issues with my father and it wasn't my fault. She would never admit that though and will play the victim to the bitter end.

I have discovered through the dreaded FB that two siblings have had babies recently. That stings but I am much more detached now.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Wed 15-Feb-17 19:20:05

Yes, me.
And I know others. Estrangement is surprisingly common.
Why?

Pleasemrstweedie Thu 23-Feb-17 18:16:02

Simply because I have never, until I read these posts, come across anyone in a similar situation. My counsellor had not come across it before.

That was all.

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