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Fights between DH and MIL

(12 Posts)
TheNotorious Tue 14-Feb-17 14:33:36

(Have NC for this as its a bit outing!)
DH keeps clashing with his DM. When they have a drink shit hits the fan in an epic screaming, crying, showdown. Once sober she pretends it hasn't happened and carries on as normal. hmm

DH is not faultless - he is goady AF, but he is very reasonable about listening to her PoV. She plays the victim as she feels her charmed life baggage is worse than anyone elses, and trust me, it isn't. DH calls her out on this and she flips out and says something spiteful and hurtful - largely about he lives his life and how we are raising DCs, which I take (because I'm pretty sure its meant) as a personal attack. She is selfish and often makes comments that we should be doing x,y and z as its better for her, despite it making life harder for me/DCs. With DH she is hysterical and confrontational, with me she is very passive aggressive and back stabbing.

Her mental health at times is very delicate, so how do I deal with this? (Going NC is not an option)Do I bite my lip and post horror stories about her on Mumsnet for the next 30 years grin or is there anything I can do to smooth this over?

HmmOkay Tue 14-Feb-17 14:37:24

Do you live with her?

First action would be for DH to stop drinking alcohol with her surely?

Can you both meet her for coffee during the day instead? Or meet her at the park with the kids for a while?

xStefx Tue 14-Feb-17 14:40:47

Can they stop drinking together?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 14-Feb-17 14:42:58

I would try and have a sober relationship with her. Just don't mix her and also ohol. Simples.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone Tue 14-Feb-17 14:46:55

Stop drinking with her, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not accept her criticism of your parenting/lifestyle unless it is constructive. If she continues just limit contact with her to a point that is bearable!

HecateAntaia Tue 14-Feb-17 14:52:16

He should stop drinking with her.

problem of drunken clashes solved.

SandyY2K Tue 14-Feb-17 15:42:30

A few suggestions...

Can you keep your distance and minimise contact as much as possible.

Avoid her unless absolutely necessary.

Don't visit her, if she comes to your house, just 'remember' 3 you have something really important to get from the shops and stay there for a while.

Develop a headache and go and have a lie down when she visits.

When starts getting aggressive, get up and leave the room. Or ignore and stare into space.

Those are none confrontational methods.

Alternatively, tell her you don't like her behaviour towards you and you'd like her to stop it, because it makes you feel like xyz.

InvisibleKittenAttack Tue 14-Feb-17 15:58:16

Agree that you need to get DH on board to avoid social occasions with his mum and drinking.

Tell him you lose respect for him when he's being a goady fucker towards his mum.

MatildaTheCat Tue 14-Feb-17 16:15:02

The obvious solution is to suggest they stop drinking together. They won't because they have a dynamic which makes this normal for them. He goads, she rises to the bait.

So the only thing you can do is to remove yourself as soon as it starts up. Make plans for this eventuality So you can threaten your dh and when it arises you can quietly action your threat.

TeamAlphaFemale Tue 14-Feb-17 23:50:57

Thank you for the replies. DH has already said he won't put himself in situations where they are both drinking but unfortunately she drinks almost every day and all my ILs like a drink so it does become difficult for them to socialise together. We don't live with them but DH often goes for a pub visit with them on an evening, I am teetotal so I don't attend so am not there to diffuse the situation. I just wish she would also accept some blame but hopefully removing the alcohol will help things.

MrsBertBibby Wed 15-Feb-17 07:14:19

But it's just him who needs to not drink.

If he can't refrain from drinking, his mum isn't your only problem.

category12 Wed 15-Feb-17 07:33:41

He needs to take responsibility by not drinking when they're together, and by not being a goady fucker: he is continuing the unhealthy dynamic by being provocative and by rising to her bait.

For you, I would recommend you accept this is how she is, and disengage emotionally. In your head kinda "la la la fingers in my ears". I'd limit my contact and give her as little reaction as possible.

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