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When he's emotionally unavailable

(10 Posts)
misszp Tue 14-Feb-17 14:08:50

It's been along time since I posted as I have spent the last 6 months moving house, changing jobs and generally just enjoying social time that hasn't involved much dating. Prior to that I had a 6 year shit storm of a relationship that ended badly....

Fast forward to end of 2016. I decided to try out tinder again. I wasn't really sure what I wanted, except to chat, maybe date, and dip a pinky toe in the muddy waters again.

As the story goes, I met one guy who caught my attention. Totally not my type usually, but an open, honest, upfront guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I've learnt in the last 6 years to be guarded, to not let anyone too close too quickly and to just take things as they come, but he's the type of guy who is emotional and pushed for me to open up. So I do, just a smudge whilst happily ticking along, enjoying the situation for what it is. He's now going through selling the house he owned with his ex (split October), she's trying to take him for everything and whilst he's over her, he's pretty cut up about that as he had always trusted her. I was upfront and said I felt he still had things to deal with before he could even think about committing to the potential of something else. He disagreed wholeheartedly.

Then after my frank conversation with him, a week later he drops the bombshell I had told him that would hit him. He doesn't feel emotionally and mentally ok to be able to give me 100% and he really wants to, but just needs to sort his previous personal life first. It has 'nothing to do with how he feels for me' at all either.

He's aware I'm livid and he's unreservedly apologetic and has taken it on the chin. I have two thoughts and I'm totally torn. He's letting me down gently (and I have given him every opportunity to do so without making it messy) or he's genuine and given his character his head really is a mess. We spoke in length in person and he reiterated time and time again that it's just a case of right situation, wrong timing. I have told him I agree he needs to take time for himself, to sort his situation and to actually mend and that I care enough to give him the space to do so, but that I can't promise I will be there at the end of it. Unless there is clarity on this picking back up once he's ready, I wait for no one. I will however be there as a support if and when he needs it, but other than that I am maintaining my distance.

My question is, am I doing the right thing? Is there such a thing as wrong timing or should feelings override that? My argument is if it's so right, would he really just let it slip through his hands? But if he does need to see I'm not going to do what his ex does (and he's already told me he's terrified of that and it's scaring him off a little) an I pushing him away? Or am I focusing on the wrong bits and need a slap back to reality?

I'm torn and feel no clarity on the situation except to label him as 'off limits' for now... any advice on best how to view this or deal with it?

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 14-Feb-17 14:13:14

He's full of shit.

Throw him back into the pond.

You're right. If it was right he wouldn't give it up. Would you?

Adora10 Tue 14-Feb-17 14:16:49

He's on a dating site so he's not in complete misery over his ex, I am sorry OP but I think he's saying in a nice way that he is not interested.

You are definitely doing the right thing, he's lucky you are so understanding.

TheNaze73 Tue 14-Feb-17 14:26:34

He's telling you, he's not interested OP & bottling being honest. Yes, it will be a tough time but, if he was bothered about you, he'd find a way. Sounds like a cowards way out. At least it's a new thing & not after say a year. Move on, he ain't interested

misszp Tue 14-Feb-17 15:27:33

Damn it. Knew it! I'm not entirely sure why he felt the need to see me face to face to discuss it in detail when we had spoken two days prior by telephone and it was left where it was, hence my confusion. He was the one that 'wanted to explain' and to 'put my mind at rest'. I even said to him it's fine if his feelings aren't there and that I appreciated the honesty... he again denied that was the case and it was just needing to sort his situation first (which really isn't pleasant at all).

I genuinely thought I could read him in person and he was being honest when I saw him face to face. My perceptions are still way off and this is why I stay so bloody guarded. 😞

HotNatured Thu 16-Feb-17 14:53:53

I think he likes you just enough to keep you on standby, hence the not completing finishing with you, but doesn't respect you enough to let you go completely.

supercue Thu 16-Feb-17 15:05:07

Any chance he's angling to get back with his ex?

PaterPower Thu 16-Feb-17 15:24:44

I've been where he is. If they only split in October (and assuming she ended the relationship, not him) then he's not going to be in a good place for much more than a fling / fwb no matter how good the two of you might have ended up being.

He might want to be, he might genuinely have thought he was (I did) but then you hit the next part of the grieving cycle and all of a sudden you realise you're really not.

Obviously I don't know him (or you) but I wouldn't necessarily hold this against him. Better he's honest now than a year down the line when you'd have invested so much more. It would also have been a lot of hard work to get him through the shitstorm of him mentally accepting the end of the marriage and a confrontational divorce. IMO, it'll be much better for your own happiness and mental well being not to be in the middle of that.

JellyBean31 Thu 16-Feb-17 15:55:52

I was with a guy like this. 3 weeks after we split and told him I'd be there for him as support but that's all (so still had him as a contact in my phone), his WhatsApp picture changed to him and a different woman!!!!!

He was full of shit. I think your guy is too, they are both cowards!

Canlifegetbetter Thu 16-Feb-17 18:45:12

You could be dating my ex as circumstances similar.
I would be very cautious about the ex taking him to the cleaners as I'm sure my ex would say the same but reality is he been horrendous.The law does not allow you to take someone to the cleaners and women suffer financially after divorce so just be warned that he may not be the nice guy he portrays.

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