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Masturbation issues: trust, hurt feelings, confusion... what to do?

(181 Posts)
Uni2222 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:34:40

Hi. I'd like some outside input on my situation, as it's reached a point where I don't know what to do anymore and I'm really upset.

I work at home, except a couple of mornings a week, and my husband goes out to work every day. A couple of months ago, I went to do some laundry for my husband and I found that one of his handkerchiefs was totally wet - he'd clearly used it to clean up after masturbating. This really surprised me, as he's hardly ever at home on his own, so he must have waited in after I went out one morning in order to do so, before going to work himself. I would like to make it absolutely clear that I have no issue in principle with my husband masturbating - we have always talked about it in the past, and sometimes do so together. What surprised and upset me was the idea that he was waiting for me to leave some mornings simply in order to masturbate alone, and this opened up a massive trust problem in my mind.

I figured the best thing to do would be to talk to him about this, so I did. We agreed to be totally open about if and when we masturbate, so that it would definitely not be a matter of breaking the trust between us. I felt much better, and then over Christmas we had far more time for sex and used it well. Then a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he'd masturbated. My feelings went like this: 1) really happy that he'd stuck to our agreement, and that we could trust one another, 2) excited at the thought of him masturbating, 3) really upset that he'd felt the need to do this again. Thinking through all this again I got very mixed up and unhappy, and decided to talk to him about it again.

We have a pretty good sex life, but I have a pretty high sex drive and would always be up for more sex. So another thing that bothered me about this discovery was that he clearly also has an unmet need in terms of his sex life, but that rather than approaching me, he was masturbating. I found this idea really upsetting. I always thought we had quite an open, healthy relationship, and that we talked about the things that mattered, masturbation and sex life included, but this proved otherwise.

In our second discussion on the matter, I explained that I would like to have more sex, and that if he's feeling needy, I would really love it if he would just approach me and tell me so. I would find it really sexy, and be happy to make more time for sex together. I also acknowledged the fact that masturbation and sex are not mutually exclusive - sometimes it's still good to masturbate, even when you have a good sex life. So I suggested that if at any time he wants to masturbate, e.g. in bed together, that's also fine - even sexy. I just don't like this feeling that on the rare occasions when I work away from home, he waits for me to leave and then masturbates. It strikes me as secretive, closed behaviour, and it makes me unhappy and start to shut down towards him as I feel like the trust between us is broken. He agreed to all of these suggestions, and said he was sorry that I had been so upset - apparently he hadn't initially realised just how upset I was when we discussed this the first time. So I thought this was now fixed, and we were onto something really good.

Since then we've had a noticeably better sex life - more sex, more often, more open, and I've felt much happier and closer to him as a result. But today I've just found he's been masturbating again. It upset me even more this time, as I feel like somehow the awesome sex we had at the weekend was just a free masturbation pass - as if he had gone out of his way to spice up our sex on one day, simply in order that I shouldn't be able to mind him masturbating another day. I felt a lot of different things on this discovery - mostly just confusion and great unhappiness. I don't believe I should (and nor would I want to) ask him to stop masturbating, but clearly this has turned into a major issue for me by this point, and it's affecting our relationship.

What should I do to get over this? Am I being totally unreasonable here? Do any of you have experience in similar situations, and if so, how do/did you handle them? I know I need to talk to him again, but I am a bit stumped at this point, as I would have thought that the conversations we've had so far would have resolved something, and I worry that by bringing it up again that makes me look crazy AF... but maybe that's what I am.

RestlessTraveller Tue 14-Feb-17 13:41:10

It's his body, he doesn't need a 'free pass' from you use it.

SmileEachDay Tue 14-Feb-17 13:41:56

I'm not sure I see the problem - he's allowed to masturbate - it's his body and he shouldn't need your "permission" to do so.

It almost sounds as though you feel him masturbating threatens you in some way?

It also seems that the only "resolution" you will be happy with is him only wanking in the way you prescribe.

I'd be pretty pissed off if a man told me when I could and couldn't touch my own body.

You have a good sex life. He's not doing anything remotely damaging, illegal or immoral.

AyeAmarok Tue 14-Feb-17 13:42:42

Poor guy can't win with you.

Sorry, but you sound like hard work.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Tue 14-Feb-17 13:42:56

My DP wanks loads. Doesn't worry me.

What's the biggie? It's different to sex. Eating a crumpet doesn't mean you've stopped liking pancakes.

His cock. His business.

I think most people love a bit of DIY.

category12 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:43:24

I think you're thinking about this in a really weird way. You acknowledge having a wank isn't the same as full sex - sometimes just a wank is all you want without having to worry about anyone's pleasure. I think it's quite odd to think you need to know, like sort of own his body. I'd tell him to use tissues and dispose/clear up after himself as a matter of courtesy, but really the rest of it is just ... strange to me.

Ohdearducks Tue 14-Feb-17 13:43:48

Ffs, leave the man alone. He has the right to touch his own body whenever he likes, he doesn't need your permission or to pre-warn you. You sound bloody controlling and neurotic. I feel bloody sorry for him.

namechange20050 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:44:05

Op it's just wanking. Unclench.

noego Tue 14-Feb-17 13:44:14

Its only a major issue because you are making it one. He can only be horny when you want him to be? Control freak springs to mind.
A quick flick of the wrist IMO is acceptable. Whether you are there or not.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:45:13

Masterbation is a private matter. Nothing to do with you.

category12 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:45:23

Edit's I would do to my post: anyone else's pleasure. like you sort of own.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Tue 14-Feb-17 13:46:26

So he can't have a crafty wank without you being involved? Poor bloke must feel haunted.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Tue 14-Feb-17 13:47:41

Maybe you could agree to set days and times?

And insist he holds a photo and a lock of your hair in his free hand??

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 14-Feb-17 13:47:49

YABVVVU. It's a private matter and nothing to do with you. He should have to ask your permission or discuss it with you. Leave him alone.

Though I do think he shouldn't be using handkerchiefs to mop up and then leaving them around to be found. That's gross. Tissue and flush.

pointythings Tue 14-Feb-17 13:49:10

I think you need to leave this alone and get some help to get over your possessiveness about his body and what he does with it. You really are the one with the problem in this.

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 14-Feb-17 13:49:25

That should say 'he should not have to ask your permission...'

PotteringAlong Tue 14-Feb-17 13:49:31

You are being completely ridiculous about the whole thing.

TheNaze73 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:51:36

You sound like a control freak.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 14-Feb-17 13:51:44

Stop interrogating your DP and leave him to masturbate when he wants. It's his business, not yours.

Sparkletastic Tue 14-Feb-17 13:52:26

Good grief leave him alone. If this is your response it is absolutely no wonder he was trying to keep it quiet.

lorelairoryemily Tue 14-Feb-17 13:52:56

The poor man, you sound totally crazy

Cynara Tue 14-Feb-17 13:54:59

Poor man. I think he's been very patient with you, tbh, and maybe you need to work out what your issue is with this before his patience runs out. He's perfectly entitled to have a wank without your say so.

StickyMouse Tue 14-Feb-17 13:55:35

if my DH told me to declare when I was masturbating I would laugh in his face.

Why is this such a threat to you?

Underthemoonlight Tue 14-Feb-17 13:55:41

Is this a joke? Seriously you need to get a grip, you are way too controlling i wouldn't dream of telling my DH when i masturbate. You have no right to police what he does with his body, you sound like his mother not a loving partner. Please don't lower yourself to challenging him about this you cannot micro manage his life its extremely suffocating. Poor Bloke

JustSpeakSense Tue 14-Feb-17 13:56:43

It has nothing to do with you if and when he masturbates. It's private.

How weirdhmm

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