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DH looking at naked photos online -What do I do? Long

(15 Posts)
Vebrithien Tue 14-Feb-17 13:11:47

Okay, not sure where to start.
For background, we've been together over 10 years, married 5. We have a 6 month old DD. Sex life prior to DD was good, fairly frequent (a couple of times a week). Since DD, sex has been much more infrequent, maybe one a week, still good, initiated mostly by him, but also by me sometimes. If I say no, it's always accepted.
Have some post-birth damage, but healing well.
So, had a look through his computer desk drawer today (looking for my out of date passport, so I can renew it) and found a male masturbator. An ass one. We'd been enjoying anal during my pregnancy, but due to damage, it's a no-go area at the moment.
So, I believe this was delivered on Saturday, (along with my Valentine's present!). My surprise was that was in his computer drawer, as he has a masturbator I got him previously, and this lives in his bedside table draw, along with our condoms /lube.
So, I had a look on his computer, and there is a recently bookmarked webpage of images of women holding up their clothes and flashing. They are skinny, well groomed and everything I'm not. I'm overweight, scruffy and covered in baby sick most of the time. I love my daughter, but my self confidence is rock bottom.
I can't see any other dodgy websites he's visited.
So what do I do? He is a gentle, kind man, but I feel so sick. I know it isn't much on the scale of online poon, but I've just got this horrible feeling in my stomach. I tend to go to bed at about 9 or 10, as our DD doesn't sleep well.
Do I approach him about it? Bring up how I feel about looking at naked women in a conversation (how?)
Am also not sure how I approach this evening.
Thing is, if he'd said something about it, I would have tried to help out.
Help!

Vebrithien Tue 14-Feb-17 13:21:09

Online poon? I (of course) meant porn.

EmilyRosanne Tue 14-Feb-17 13:23:01

If you previously bought him a masturbator I'm confused that him looking at naked images is the issue?
If I bought something like that for a man (presumably for use when you aren't around/not in the mood) I would expect him to use some form of stimulation with it?

Not that you have to put up with it or anything but he may think you would be completely okay with this?

Vebrithien Tue 14-Feb-17 13:41:13

I can see your point, but as far as I know, it had only ever been used when I was using it on him. It was bought a year ago, as I was nervous of pregnancy sex, and we used it a few times, then when sex felt ok again, it hasn't left his bedside table drawer. I'd have had no problem helping him out, if he'd said something, but I just feel so low compared to what he'd been looking at. Feels like I've been punched in the stomach, which probably seems like an overreaction, I don't know how to approach it.

piefacerecords Tue 14-Feb-17 13:48:44

I agree that if you were previously happy to buy him the masturbator thing, he probably would assume you were ok with that kind of thing. Lets face it, everybody masturbates - does it make any difference if it's his hand or that thing?

Re the pics - personally the wouldn't bother me - from what you say it's not really on the porn scale. But having said that, if it bothers you then you have every right to feel that way and if he's as good a man as you say he is, he will understand.

I think the crux of this is that you have a new baby, your confidence is low and you're knackered. And you're now comparing yourself to these 'perfect' bodies on the internet. Tell him how it makes you feel - I bet he'll be mortified that he's made you feel that way flowers

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 14-Feb-17 13:53:06

So he can only look at porn or use bum thing if you're with him?

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 14-Feb-17 13:53:50

He hasn't made her feel that way.

piefacerecords Tue 14-Feb-17 14:19:51

I think he has unintentionally made her feel that way.

Vebrithien Tue 14-Feb-17 16:25:00

I didn't mean to imply he can only use them when I'm there, it's the looking at other, perfect, naked women that has upset me so much. And that it's what he is doing downstairs, when I'm upstairs trying to help our DD sleep. The child that he was desperate for, and the main reason that I'm in such a state. How do I go up to bed tonight, knowing what he is likely to be doing in the room below me? I've never looked at another man in that way.

Happybunny19 Tue 14-Feb-17 16:30:15

I watch porn and masturbate sometimes. It doesn't mean I fancy the porno men more than dp, want sex with him less or anything else, it's just a wank. If my oh confronted me about it (he wouldn't, he knows) I would tell him it's none of his business.

6demandingchildren Tue 14-Feb-17 16:44:22

Does your husband have any kinky photos of you?
Honestly most men don't look at saggy bits . I have been desperately been trying to lose weight my husband does not care as he just sees me.
Obviously when I'm asleep and dribbling onto my pillow I'm not much of a turn on.

Vebrithien Tue 14-Feb-17 16:48:21

Not that I am aware of, we've certainly not taken any photos together. I don't know how to approach this. He will be able to see I'm upset when he gets home, I just don't know why to say. Perhaps I've been completely naïve, but I just feel so sick.

peggyundercrackers Tue 14-Feb-17 17:04:44

who says they are perfect woman hes looking at? they may all be of a certain bodyshape but that doesn't make them perfect... I don't think hes responsible for making you feel the way you feel about yourself unless he has said something about it. you feel that way because you are comparing yourself to images on a computer - stop doing that, they will only make you feel worse. its kind of obvious hes not said anything to you because he doesn't want you to feel bad about not being able to satisfy him and thought it would be ok doing this because you have bought him toys previously.

ApplePaltrow21 Tue 14-Feb-17 17:25:38

Well, if you don't mind porn as long as it's not of perfect women, tell him that. According to pornhub, the most searched term for online porn for 2016 (after lesbian) was stepmom, then milf. see report: www.pornhub.com/insights/2016-year-in-review .

And the UK was very hot on dogging. In other words, there's plenty of women with saggy boobs and stretch marks on porn sites. He'd probably be fine switching to that if it made you feel better.

FritzDonovan Tue 14-Feb-17 20:01:24

I understand what you are saying OP. It's a bit of a blow when you first find out your oh has been looking at other people in a sexual way, esp when your body isn't at its best and you're not feeling confident. It's okay not to be ok with him looking at porn, esp as he's been secretive about it, thus implying some knowledge that you might not be onboard with it. Only thing you can do is tell him how you feel about it and discuss how it will be involved in the future (or not). Imo it's more a problem when hidden and lied about. flowers

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