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Need help making a decision

(56 Posts)
Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 00:19:59

Hi, I'm a regular but have name changed as I need advice without outing myself.

This is long.

I'm contemplating ending my 10 month relationship but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous and I feel strongly that I may regret it if I do. So, I really need advice please.

Terrible track record of relationships, a longterm abusive one (resulting in my three lovely children), one with a narcissistic man who turned out to be married, and a couple of short term disastrous relationships which ended because they were simply twats! (Children was never introduce to a new man)

I took time out to be on my own and focused on my kids and work. I finally took the plunge again and met current boyfriend. He is without doubt a wonderful man. I've never experienced a relationship like it. I want it to work and believe him when he says he loves me.

However, when we met, I was really upfront about my expectations. I'm 35 - I don't want to mess about. I told him I was looking for longterm with the possibility of marriage and another baby down the line. I wasn't trying to scare him off. I know nothing is guaranteed and I certainly wouldn't contemplate those things so early on in a relationship, but that was my life plan. In turn, he was honest and said he wanted to settle and marry but didn't want another baby (he is full time dad to his son). His reasons were understandable as he had a bad experience with the mother of his son and after a traumatic custody battle he felt scared by it all.

I understood but was honest and said that maybe we shouldn't waste each other's time and fall in love etc as we wanted different things.

After a week of no contact, he asked to meet me and discuss things. Said he would now be open to possibility of a child if things worked out for us. He said he was nervous at the prospect but realises I'm not the same as his ex and that he shouldn't let his experience cloud his judgement. We both discussed how this was all forward thinking but we would now enjoy a relationship and see if it blossoms.

We are both full time parents and work. We live an hours drive meaning we only see each other weekends. We met each other's children around 6 months in. Kids are happy all round and we all get on great together.

Fast forward to now. I'm beginning to feel like weekends are not enough. But I know there is no real solution just yet. My kids are settled here as is his where he lives. We are not even a year in, so it would be madness to move in together just yet anyway. He talks about our future but lately I've got the impression that he is happy how things are.


He 'jokes' about getting the whole bed to himself when I leave. But before he'd always say 'I love waking up next to you' etc

He very rarely goes out with his mates, but lately he's been hinting at neglecting them a bit. Genuine question.. How do people in long distance/weekend relationship factor in time for their friends,, as in how regular? I've never sulked about it and vice versa, but I do try and save our weekends for us best I can as it'll be two weeks until we see each other!

He's younger than me. By 6 years. I'm starting to see that although age gap is small, he is at a stage I guess where life is more fancy free (can't really explain what I'm trying to say?!) whereas I'm beginning to crave more structure and be more settled.

The honeymoon period is over as such, although he is still always affectionate, thoughtful and great with the kids. But is it enough? I just don't know. Some weekdays I just want to cuddle up to him on sofa or hug him after a shit day at work etc. But I sit here and wonder if that will ever happen and when!

I'm gutted as we have booked a family holiday to mark our year anniversary. But on reflection, we should have waited to see how things panned out. Kids are looking forward to it and I can't afford to loose what we paid.

I'm scared if I throw it all away, I may never find someone as wonderful as him.

Do you think I'm mentally trying to rush what should be a natural process?

What does a relationship generally 'look' like after 10 months?

Finally.. If I'm in the wrong welcome on how to put a lid on my emotions and get on with it.

If you got this far.. Thank you!

scoobydoo1971 Tue 14-Feb-17 01:41:27

I think 10 months is early-days. I think you have found a nice man and you have got to spend time enjoying each others company, rather than analysing what the future may bring. I think if you push him into marriage and babies then he may panic down the line. I appreciate why you would want some security and a future plan, but I think you have to sit back and think about your respective family units as they are right now. Just because neither of you can move to be closer, you have to remember your children will grow up, and then your local commitment to the area may change. I do not think 6 years is a huge age-gap but perhaps your man is not emotionally ready to give you more yet, and it would be a bit of a shame to lose out on a nice relationship with a lovely man in the quest for a marriage and babies with someone else in the future who may not be right for you, or may not come along for one reason or another. Personally I would grab happiness when it comes your way and if it doesn't work out long-term then you will have some lovely memories of your time together hopefully.

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 08:38:57

I agree with what you say - thank you for your opinion. I guess I'm scared of committing to someone for say the next five years that is showing signs that he might not want to settle down properly. Then I will have to start again at 40 when the odds are stacked against me fertility wise.

Also, I genuinely don't know if I can have a weekend relationship passed two three years. I'm struggling now 😌

TheNaze73 Tue 14-Feb-17 08:46:25

I agree with scooby, 10 months is no time at all. I would just want to be dating, seeing someone maybe a couple of times a week & no more than that. We're all different though & your opinion & gut instinct are the only things that count. If you read this as a 3rd party, what would you think? Way too much over analysing & pressure on someone who the OP didn't even know in April 2016?

Costacoffeeplease Tue 14-Feb-17 08:46:59

I think 10 months in is too soon to be planning a future, especially with children involved on both sides. He sounds like he's happy the way things are, even a bit restless if he's wanting to spend more time with his mates, and given that he's a bit younger I would say you're both looking for different things. It doesn't look like a long term relationship from what you've said, and if you're not happy to stay a casual, weekend only thing, then it's not right for you

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 08:57:10

So I guess I should end it then?

I'm first to admit I'm a worrier, but my past experience has just made me determined to settle for no less that I feel I deserve.

He shows me nothing but love and affection but as I say, lately there have been little signs that he is happy to keep thing where they are and I feel anxious that as we only see each other weekends, he may get comfortable with that set up.

Also, I think I'm a little bugged deep down that he was engaged to his last girlfriend of three years. He tells me he has never been so happy as he has been with me. And we do get on great. But I keep torturing myself at the thought he was committing to settle down with a woman before me yet he shows signs that marriage is a long way off with me.

HerOtherHalf Tue 14-Feb-17 09:04:30

Are you in love with him?

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 09:10:54

Yes. I believe so. I've never been in love before so I'm guessing by how much this is bothering me shows that I really am.

Hermonie2016 Tue 14-Feb-17 09:12:00

If you are determined to have another child then I think this man isn't right for you.He has many more years to settle down and you are not on the same page.

I would just check however if the need for a baby is colouring your decisions.I understand the desire for a baby but don't let it be the focus as you may choose the wrong man based on that.

Opel9 Tue 14-Feb-17 09:16:47

i don't live with my DP. It's our choice.

I don't think my friends would have been impressed with me for carving out no time for them at all because I wanted to be with him. My friends were there before him and I want to treat them well. They don't get dumped because new man is here although I appreciate the terror of losing your precious time together, it isn't fair on him to expect him to not see his friends and over time this will slowly kill it dead... it would me!

Also 10 months is too soon for moving in, with all these kids involved. He's right to be cautious. Taking on a larger family and financially it is scary. No one should do it unless they are 100% sure it's right.

All I see is you demanding to know where you stand constantly. Can't you enjoy what you have? As you agreed you would? Why do you need to know what's going to happen so badly? I don't think it's fair to dress it up as needing it to determine whether it's what you deserve because then this doesn't factor in what he needs or wants, does it confused

RandomMess Tue 14-Feb-17 09:16:52

I would seriously consider why you are so desperate for a 4th child? You already have 3 and that is a lot for anyone else to take on and add a new baby into the mix.

Is it just a pure longing to have another baby, is it your biological clock ticking away. Are you desperate to have a child with a loving partner, to do it this time "properly".

It seems that having another baby is more important to you than having a life partner?

This is just an observation not a criticism. The longing for another baby is a very powerful thing but sometimes we have to accept it make not be the "best" thing for us. I could have willingly gone on and had several more, DH and I look back and wish in many ways that we did but our common sense prevailed over my longing for more "babies"

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 09:18:08

The Naze - I don't know what you set up is I.e if you are married or in a longterm relationship. But really curious from a mans perspective... If like you say, you would only be wanting to spend a few days a week max with someone at this stage, what or when was the turning point to which you decided you wanted more?

Excuse my naivety. I may be 35 but I've never experienced a proper relationship neither have I been in love before now. I'm basically like a teenager in a woman's body. I'm clueless.

Opel9 Tue 14-Feb-17 09:18:32

It's not restless to see your friends it's normal. What is not normal is to only spend your free time with one person

supercue Tue 14-Feb-17 09:26:34

Opel lots of normal people spend all their free time with one person.

FetchezLaVache Tue 14-Feb-17 09:26:49

I wouldn't necessarily rush to end it if you're enjoying yourselves atm - but I do think you do need to consider whether he's just talking the talk re more children to keep you sweet, because it's got that written all over it, tbh.

Re distance/weekend relationships and friends - I think you do need to carve out time. DP and I live nearly the same distance apart and we usually set aside one weekend night every two or three weeks to catch up with friends. In fact, we've got a friends night coming up this Friday and I can't wait! wine

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 09:27:38

Hermonie- truthfully, another baby is not the be all and end all. More than anything I just want a good man to eventually settle down with. I have three children and the youngest is 8 so it's not like I 'need' to have another.

I actually think that I'm looking for stability because deep down I'm insecure after my past. I see friends around me getting married etc and it makes me think will it ever be me. I have secretly battled with mild depression and anxiety. I'm needy although I don't let this on to my boyfriend. I appreciate that is a terribly trait hence why I hide it. My ex wore me down after 15 years of sheer hell. I never got counselling. I'm probably looking to be rescued aren't I. Gosh that sounds pathetic!!!

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 14-Feb-17 09:32:20

I'd let him go to be honest.

If you want more kids and he doesn't then its a non starter really.

Opel9 Tue 14-Feb-17 09:33:33

It's not healthy or normal to have no friends or not spend time with them


Opel9 Tue 14-Feb-17 09:34:34

You just want a sign from him that it's going somewhere I get that.

But don't dump him hoping he will give you a show of commitment to keep you as that could massively backfire on you.

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 09:35:07

hi Random Mess- I hear what you are saying. You hit the nail on the head. I think it's wanting to have another baby and do it 'properly'. I have always felt robbed of that with my abusive ex.

I'm not trying to move things quickly as in move in now. As explained in my op, I know that's craziness just yet. It's just that sinking feeling that he is wanting to spend less time whereas I'm craving more time. It worries me if he is feeling that way now, he won't suddenly decide he wants to see me more in the future.

I also worry about my kids. They have a lovely relationship with him. He brings out the best in all of us and we have so much fun as a family unit. Because I worry about the future, I worry that not only my heart will be broken, but their lives will have to undergo another big change. It took me a lot of hard work to get my kids readjusted after the trauma of their dad and our split.

Notagain2017 Tue 14-Feb-17 09:35:13

I don't think you should bin him just because you want a fourth child. If he's a good man and you love him give it a chance.

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 09:37:45

I struggle with friendships as I lost a lot of friends during my turbulent relationship with my Childrens dad. Then I suffered depression and didn't want to be around anyone. Fuck I'm a needy mess 😕

Daftasalush Tue 14-Feb-17 09:41:08

What clicks in someone to make them realise they want to see you more or take the next step? Like at what point usually? If I knew that might happen I'd probably chill more.

Fir the record, I know I'm a needy anxious over bearing mess. But my boyfriend has no idea. This is why I am on this forum as I can be more open about the craziness in my head and get help and advice how to deal with it without ruining my relationship.

Underthemoonlight Tue 14-Feb-17 09:45:32

You say the 4th baby was a big thing and that your dp began to consider it further up in your op but then you say you it's not be all and end all. Which is it? You already have three DC and he has one of his own could you financially care for 4 DC plus one of the way realistically? It seems like your not just enjoying the relationship. Why not take it for what it is enjoy your time together and if it's meant to be it will naturally fall into place don't try and put time restrictions on things.

growcookeat Tue 14-Feb-17 09:47:00

It sounds as though you want some reassurance from him that he's still invested in the relationship. It makes total sense that you may be feeling insecure, given what you've been through. Can you bring it up with him in a relaxed way, not making demands but simply showing him that you are feeling a little vulnerable? Hopefully then you will feel more comfortable with where things are going.

Is it worth looking into some counselling - as a way to sort through your feelings about the past relationships and need for another baby? I would also consider that if/when you do merge your family with his you will be taking on his ds as well as your own 3. That's quite a lot to handle to start with.

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