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Please help me see sense!!

(31 Posts)
user1487015988 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:12:40

Long LONG time poster but terrified of being found out so have made up new account. Can't work out how to change the username thing!!

Am married with DCs and at risk of getting myself in to big shit.

I have massively developed a paralysing crush on someone. He's a friend within our social circle. But in the last year it's become a bit more chummy. Email chat, coffees etc. He's very friendly and seems to be happily engaging in a friendship with me. There is nothing he has done which is anything other than totally above board and innocent. And he categorically 100% does not fancy me.

I always thought he was attractive but since getting to know him it's turned in to this massive thing. I've constantly got butterflies, I start to shake and my heart starts to race before I see him, I can't stop thinking about him etc etc. This is proper full on teenage stuff.

Please MNers shake some sense in to me. I can't avoid him totally. But I could appear rude and cool off the friendship. Or I could just tell him straight that I'm in idiot so need to just keep my distance.


user1487015988 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:16:33

Or I could just continue the very innocent friendship we have knowing it's going nowhere and that eventually my crush will subside!!

Sherlock35 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:27:22

Blimey. Didn't want to read and run but honestly don't know how to advise you. Are you certain your crush will abate? Are you a large enough group of friends to try and keep your distance a bit? Or can you have a crush and be OK with it and know you won't act on it?

Sherlock35 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:27:42

Or, you know, you could act on it

Ariya Mon 13-Feb-17 20:33:34

I was in the same boat myself recently, was like that for a year but I had a recent thread on here and it really made me see abbot clearer.

It's a silly crush and if you say he doesn't fancy you and there is no way anything will ever happen,
Don't be getting yourself in a knot about it.

Remember we are in a drug like state when we have a crush and sometimes we cannot see clearly.

It's early days for me but I am realising that yes I think he's great, attractive and I care about him but that doesn't mean I want/have to run off in the sunset with him!

If avoiding is hard, it is for me as I work with the guy, just lessen the flirting and time alone. I've read a lot of threads here which shows me that sometimes it is very easy to start an affair.

It's so strange the affect a crush can have on you, especially when you have a significant other already! I think a lot of the time it's an ego boast for one or both parties.

Try not to stress too much, you are only human, your feelings don't define you, your actions do.

user1487015988 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:33:39

I can't act on it - even if I wanted to. It's totally not on the cards.

I can easily only see him in passing.

I'd like to think I'm old and wise enough to know that it will abate at some point.

But really I know the best thing is to just stop the friendship. But to do that I kind of need to tell him. Cue major embarrassment and awkwardness!!

Chickiwick Mon 13-Feb-17 20:34:32

Why are you looking outside your marriage? If I find myself fancying other people it's usually because something at home is lacking.

I think you should pull back from this friendship and really think about how you can get back to feeling like that about your husband again.

These infatuations can lead to embarrassment, hurt feelings and collapsed friendships. You don't want that - be strong and address the issues in your marriage.

Brontebiscuits Mon 13-Feb-17 20:34:46

He knows alright. Cool it with him. It's not really an innocent friendship is it?

SmartyPants0 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:35:49

I certainly wouldn't act on it... you state he doesn't fancy you, you would only jeopardise your marriage and your friendship with him.
How is your marriage User? Are you happy? I would be unavailable for coffee and chats and I would distance myself from being alone with him and find something that takes up my time to try to keep my mind off him...

user1487015988 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:46:45

I'm utterly utterly sure that this is not two way. He may have noticed me acting like a complete fucking idiot around him though!

I'm not looking outside of marriage. It's difficult to explain but there are legitimate reasons for the contact we have. Something like being on the parish council for example. Nothing major and nothing that can't be stopped. But we're not meeting up just for the sake of it. The chat... less so.

There's nothing my DH doesn't know so that's how in my own head this is.

Very happy in my marriage. Nothing wrong other than having shared a bathroom for 20 years!! Plenty of respect friendship and sex.

If I just stop talking to him he's going to think he's offended me. Is telling him with the only objective to say look, there's a problem it's totally my fault but I need to my distance a very bad idea??

AgathaF Mon 13-Feb-17 21:01:57

Don't tell him - embarrassing for both of you (and for your husband if it got out) and just not necessary. Just cool the friendship - be less and less available until it fizzles out.

user1487015988 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:02:49

Actually, it's not the first time a complete arsehole has used me for a massive ego boost. I was young and got myself in way too deep and he let me - he led me on without ever having an intentions. The heart ache nearly wrecked my long term relationship.

I not that stupid now. Or I thought.

I was thinking that if I can't stop myself talking to him then if I fess up he'll stop talking to me then problem solved.

But it won't be solved if he turns out to be another attention seeking walking talking ego.

SmartyPants0 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:05:41

Personally I wouldn't confess how I felt to him... but I would distance myself and not go out of my way to say sit next to him, or go out for a coffee with him but continue to be polite to him..

SmartyPants0 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:07:37

I did wonder if he knew how you felt and was leading you on... has he got a partner?

user1487015988 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:10:15

Yes, partner, baby, other kids.


Very physically similar to the other guy and very physically different to DH.

I'm a bloody idiot.

jeaux90 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:12:55

You are not an idiot but try and abate the crush by imagining the normal stuff, sharing a bathroom, him farting and snoring like a chainsaw. And all men have those silly looking dangly bits, however charming they are all the above applies

Works for me grin

user1487015988 Mon 13-Feb-17 21:16:20

silly looking dangly bit


Thank you ladies.

MyheartbelongstoG Mon 13-Feb-17 22:55:59

Could you imagine if op were a man.....

Op, grow up.

And for God sake don't tell him.

I think you're hoping that if you do then he will say he's interested.

Iflyaway Mon 13-Feb-17 23:01:41

I'd like to think I'm old and wise enough

How old are you actually? (may have missed that)...

As an old gimmer lol I think you are just bored with life and domestics and bringing up kids. So you fantasize.

Fair enough. Just keep it to a fantasy.

No good will come of it.

user1486956786 Mon 13-Feb-17 23:06:31

Do not tell him, you will really regret that. Please I beg you do not tell him!!!!!!!! Enjoy fantasy in your head, don't obviously avoid him but don't unnecessarily contact him either, it will definitely subside naturally. I'm onto my second crush at the moment, it's slowly dying grin

Iflyaway Mon 13-Feb-17 23:06:37

By the way, if you are bored of your marriage, nothing says you cannot change your life. Get divorced. etc.

It's all in your hands. Your choice, your decision.

Much better than pretending you are living the dream while fantasizing about other men. Please release your husband to live his dream too.

You sound selfish and scared to be independent.

Iflyaway Mon 13-Feb-17 23:09:50

P.s. I've been a single mum for 25 years. It's the best. He's independent now and me too. Living my life.

Travelling solo - it is fabulous!

Never be afraid to live your life!

SecretlyHeartBroken Sun 19-Feb-17 10:19:17

OP here with new user name. Not sure if I will show up with OP colouring?

Anyway, what a whirlwind week.

So I heard what you all said and tried to do the sensible thing but couldn't. The result has been a week of almost constant communication. Friendly, hilarious, piss taking stuff. Some of it could be considered as mild flirting perhaps but none of it was romantic or sexual (apart from the fact it was happening). We saw each other a couple of times (legit, not under cover) and got on really well.

He was clearly enjoying the fun as much as I was. But it was killing me. I've barely eaten all week, I've been swinging from manic elation to quiet and withdrawn all week and DH was beginning to notice something was up.

In the end I just blurted everything out, how I felt and how I really have to start keeping my distance. He's was very understanding and reassuring and agreed he'd be there if and when I'm ready for friendly coffee etc but understood if not.

I'm devastated. I was crying most of yesterday. The crush is minor compared to the genuine friendship I think we could have had. If I hadn't told him I could have tried to calm things down and keep a friend. But then I tell myself that I wasn't able to calm it down. And at least in telling him he knows he needs to keep his distance. And maybe in time we can be just regular friends.

I'm feel so sad. But better.

I have done the right thing, haven't I?

Helpmybrainsmelting Sun 19-Feb-17 12:02:27

It will abate at some point and you'll wonder why you were getting yourself all hot and bothered but in the meantime you were putting yourself in a situation that could of spelt long term trouble. You did the right thing xxxx

jeaux90 Sun 19-Feb-17 18:42:56

Ooooohhhh ok. Well I guess the good thing is that he knows he needs to keep a distance which will make this easier for you.

See how you feel in a couple of weeks. Try and work out whether this was just a crush or whether it's bigger than that, whether it's about you moving forward in your life as a single person (which is really great by the way)

I wish you the best and hope that you can get back close to your partner if it's what you want.

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