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Worried about husband leaving me

(5 Posts)
AllaboutsheZ Mon 13-Feb-17 17:48:12

A little background.. myself and my husband have been married for 4 years, together 9 years. We have 1 child, and another on the way. I have hormonal problems, and some are untreatable. One of those hormonal problem has resulted in a low sex drive, very low. I have never known any difference as it developed during puberty, so it doesn't affect me personally. My husband has always known about all my conditions, and the low sex drive. He still has chosen to be with me for 9 years, with very little sex.

Occasionally we will go through some tough parts of our marriage, like any couple will and he will bring up the fact that we aren't 'close'. He works very long shift hours, mostly nights, so we save Saturday and Sunday nights as our nights to watch films, get a take away and spend time together. After he brings up the fact that we aren't 'close' (which I know he means sex) he is then withdrawn from me for a few days. Barely speaking to me, doesn't kiss me goodbye when he goes to work and will create a lot of distance between us. This probably happens once every 3/4 months, but each time I'm so worried that he is going to leave me. I feel like he regrets marrying me, as the lack of sex is not the life he wanted. I also not hugely affectionate, we cuddle but I do like my space when we go to bed to sleep. He feels like I'm pushing him away and doesn't understand that I can't sleep when I'm being touched (he works nights a lot so I'm so used to sleeping alone). I'm so self conscious that no one will want me due to my very low sex drive, and I am still amazed that my husband puts up with me. I don't know how I could cope if he ever left me. I know I need to speak to him about how all this makes me feel, but it's so hard to find the time to talk. I guess I'm after advice on what I can say to him? I never directly mention sex, as I know it bothers him that I don't enjoy it and that he doesn't get it often. I refuse to be guilted into having sex with him, like I have been in the past (many years ago). Would love some advice xx

Londonsburningahhhh Mon 13-Feb-17 18:17:53

Maybe if you learnt how to pleasure yourself rather than only your partner you may enjoy it more. Do you know your body well enough to know where all the little points are. Have you ever orgasmed?

I remember reading a book about women finding their vaginas and clit. Old ladies were crying because they never understood their bodies and the joy it brought them. You don't even need a man.

I understand you feel uncomfortable but I would try and understand why. I used to hate sex and then I met my partner and he taught me how to pleasure myself.

Londonsburningahhhh Mon 13-Feb-17 18:23:30

The book is called The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler.

Foxysoxy01 Mon 13-Feb-17 18:31:20

Could you try some erotic reading? Or (depending on your stance) watch some sex films?

I understand it must be really tough having hormonal reasons why you have no sex drive, can you speak to your DR and see if they can suggest anything?

Have you googled your condition to see if anyone who also suffers with your hormonal problem has any ideas?

Of course you should not feel pressured into having sex or doing anything you would rather not.

Do you feel like you might find other things fun? Like oral or maybe trying something different to see if you get in the mood (dressing up/night away)

I understand about the not being touched when trying to sleep. I have to put a pillow between me and DP although will cuddle before it's just I can't sleep with someone touching me (I get too hot and uncomfortable)

I'm not hugely touchy-feely either and DP does except that but I also try to make an effort to try and be more affectionate so we try to meet in the middle, would you feel that you could try that and maybe make an effort to hug and kiss a couple of times a day until it becomes more like a habit to be a bit more affectionate?

HarmlessChap Tue 14-Feb-17 09:48:40

Do you feel its a fair and satisfying relationship for you?

Do you feel that its a fair and satisfying relationship for him?

You say when he brings up that you are not close he becomes withdrawn and doesn't kiss you goodbye when he leaves for work, is there any reason why you don't kiss him goodbye when he's leaving?

I'm in a similar relationship, and its difficult. He may well be struggling to feel loved and even be feeling quite rejected much of the time. Its not just the lack of sex its the lack of affection. We had become 2 friends who live in the same house, there was no "marriage". We are working on it but if it doesn't improve we will split up as I'm not going to live the last 30 years of my life feeling rejected and miserable.

You need to find a happy medium because a relationship is about 2 people finding a way to enrich each other's life. At the moment it doesn't sound like you believe that he feels that he's getting much out of this relationship and its making you worried that he will leave. I think you need to establish whether that is how he feels and if it is whether you can address it, together.

Ultimately if he is unhappy and things are not going to change would you rather the stayed in the relationship knowing that he is unhappy or left and had the chance to be happy with someone else?

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