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H keeps treating the DCs unequally

(136 Posts)
Unfairnotsure Mon 13-Feb-17 17:19:37

I have been reading mumsnet for years but signed up today because I just don't know what to do anymore a nd I don't really have anyone in real life to talk to.

H and I have 4 DCs and I am pregnant. DD1 is 9 and DH dotes on her. He buys her all sorts of treats, pays for three after school clubs. He attends her dancing shows and is always calling her his princess. Which in theory I have no problem with. However he doesn't treat our other three DCs the same way. Particularly DS1 who is 6.

This came to a head this yesterday. DS1 had a football match on Sunday morning. He has been in football club since September however he just isn't very good at football and he really doesn't enjoy it. However H won't let him quit and he won't let him do another activity in its place.

Sunday morning H decided that he wanted to come and see DS1 playing. This was the first time he had ever attended DS1 s activity and I will be honest I didn't want him to go but he was insistent.

When we got there it was awful, H was that parent. He was shouting from the sideline for DS to run faster or be better. DS 1 was trying but he was struggling to keep up and getting nowhere near the ball. Then just before half time DS1 fell over. They were playing on astroturf and he scraped his knees and hands and got a load of gritt in the cuts. He burst into tears and spent the rest of the match sitting next to me. When it became obvious that DS1 wasn't going to play again H stormed off and sat in the car for the rest of the time.

When we got home he kept telling DS1 that he needed to man up and that he wasn't trying hard enough to be good at football. In the end I told H to stop it and it was his fault for forcing DS to do something he doesn't like. H told me I was trying to make DS a better child and he needed to learn to be a man. He then slammed out to the pub.

He came back last night drunk, saying what a rubbish mum I was for letting DS be mediocre. I tried to argue that DS is really clever and kind he just doesn't suit football. H shouted and insulted me and really intimidated me. I told he was scaring me and he told me it was all in my head and this was why DS was so dramatic and then he went to bed.

This morning he was apologetic and very kind. The DD 1 and DS1 told us that they had heard us arguing last night and it had upset them. We both told them how sorry we are and reassured them it was ok. They went to school and H went to work.

H then text me a picture at lunch of a really lovely thoughtful present for DD to say sorry for upsetting her last night. I said that's lovely what are you getting for DS. He said nothing. I reminded him that DS had heard and was upset too. He offered to buy him some sweets (that DS doesn't like) I told him that wasn't good enough as it doesn't compare to what he got for DD.
He said he wouldn't get anyone anything then and I had cheated his daughter out of a present.

He then text me an hour later saying he was going to the pub after work and will be late home.

I just don't know how to make him see that what he is doing is wrong and will hurt DS. I am failing DS but I don't know how to make it right because H can't see its wrong. He just sees it was me babying DS and I don't know may be I am but he is only just 6. I don't think he needs to be a man yet.

How do I make H see what he is doing is wrong?

Enough101 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:23:25

He is 6, he is only a baby. Sorry, but your husband sounds like a complete wanker.

Timeforteaplease Mon 13-Feb-17 17:24:09

How odd. That's really very strange behaviour.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 13-Feb-17 17:24:38

Honestly? Divorce him. I'm sorry, but the thing that pushed the final button on my marriage was the fact that I didn't want my DS to grow up thinking it was an acceptable way to treat people.

kittybiscuits Mon 13-Feb-17 17:26:03

I think your husband is a bit of a cunt.

ChuckSnowballs Mon 13-Feb-17 17:26:36

A blind man in the fog with a hoodie and a bobble hat pulled down to his chin could see that he is wrong. He is choosing every day, to bully a 6 year old.


Question is, what are you going to do about it?

Fishface77 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:27:02

Your husband is a CUNT.
LTB for the sake of the kids.
The "golden child" often fares no better than the "scapegoat".

Slimmingsnake Mon 13-Feb-17 17:27:23

Oh my god..your poor kids,they will notice dd will be hard work knowing she can do no wrong in her dads eyes and ds ,poor poor ds...having a step dad like that..

Astro55 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:27:23

You are wrong for putting up with his crap - why not teach dS that shouting at pregnant woman small children and getting pisses is what a real man does best?

pointythings Mon 13-Feb-17 17:28:37

You don't make him see. You tell him either he treats all his children fairly and with compassion or he gets the fuck out.

Bloody hell, my blood is boiling from reading this.

Blingygolightly Mon 13-Feb-17 17:29:21

Absolutely no way would I allow him to single out one child and treat her differently. I would tell him it's not on to give that present and explain rationally how his treatment may cause problems for each of your children both individually and in relation to their sibling bond. Does he not have siblings? Has he learned this from somewhere.

I don't actually think he will listen. You seem to have swept aside the way he got drunk and intimidated you. That would be a deal breaker for me. And if he was going to cause mental harm to any of my dcs by acting like a total dick that would also be a deal breaker especially if I tried to explain and he wouldn't listen. flowers

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets Mon 13-Feb-17 17:30:53

Your husband is an utter cunt.

Leave him for the sake of your son, and so there's still time for your DD and DS to have a relationship not tainted by favourite and scapegoat.

What a bastard. I'm so cross on your sons behalf. How bloody dare he.

3luckystars Mon 13-Feb-17 17:31:14

In my experience the favoured child is just as uncomfortable with the favouritism. It's not good for anyone.

What an awful situation, I wish you well.

Fruitcocktail6 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:31:36

My ex had a dad like this. Doted on the girls and was nasty to the boys, had expectations of them being 'manly' and successful money makers and wouldn't give them anything. He literally bought his three daughters their own house each, and nothing for the boys. Really messed my ex up but I wouldn't say his sisters were particularly well rounded either.

Evilstepmum01 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:32:52

Your poor poor DS is going to grow up thinking he isnt good enough.
I know, I was that child. always too slow or not trying hard enough.

Do you know what? I stopped trying because I knew it was pointless. I also felt resentful of my favoured siblings. Its shit and can have life-long consequences. Is that what you want for your 6 year old DS? I feel so upset at the thought of him trying to gain his fathers approval.

Your husband is a vile specimen of humanity. This is your sons role model, the man he looks up to and your DH treats him like this?

Let him go to the pub,lock the doors and tell him to never come back.
For your son.

tribpot Mon 13-Feb-17 17:33:30

he needed to learn to be a man

And what is he learning about being a man, from his father?

Bully your children
Play favourites
Slam off to the pub every day
Perpetuate stereotypes - girls must be good at dancing, boys at football
Refuse to let [some of] your children do out-of-school activities they enjoy
Shout and insult and intimidate
Accuse you of it all being in your head

You do know how to make it right for DS1. You need to stand up and put a stop to the football and encourage DS1 to find something he actually wants to do. Maybe it's dancing, who knows - god knows your H won't have bothered finding out.

You do know how to make it right for DS1. End bullying in the home.

kittybiscuits Mon 13-Feb-17 17:34:14

It's awful for your DD too. Being the golden child brings all kinds of issues of its own.

FrancisCrawford Mon 13-Feb-17 17:36:57

Your h is vile

He's a heartless bully and he's going to fuck your DS up big time. Seriously, he really is

How can an adult treat their own child like this?

Deathraystare Mon 13-Feb-17 17:37:46

How easy it is for these pillocks to storm out down the pub.... Nasty man.

Enough101 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:37:48

I am sorry if I came across rude initially, this kind of thing really upsets me. He's only 6 now. What kind of reception could he expect in 10 years time if, for example, he came home and til you he was gay? Not suggesting that would be the case, but think of the future.

Unfairnotsure Mon 13-Feb-17 17:37:53

H is DS's (and all the DCs) dad. Not their step father.

It's not just as easy as leaving him. I have nowhere to go and no job.
H has also told me that if I leave he will try and get as much custody of the DCs as possible.

kittybiscuits Mon 13-Feb-17 17:39:04

Then he has made clear in no uncertain terms what an absolute bastard he is.

Gingerbreadlass Mon 13-Feb-17 17:39:10

Oh God, your H sounds a nightmare with his treatment of your DS1. Has he got form for that? Any previous incidents? Your poor little boy, he is still a baby. He's only 6. Any shattered childhood dreams on your H's side that he must live vicariously through his eldest son or why can't he appreciate his little boy and let him decide what he would like to play, paint, sing, ride, dance etc. The beauty of having kids is exploring together with them what they enjoy and where their talents/interests lie.

can i also say that you sound like a wonderful, caring Mummy who is clearly engaged and sensitive towards your children and you did so well sheltering your DS1 from the nastiness of your H.

I have to say I don't like the alcohol that's thrown into the mix. It sounds literally toxic and the way your husband spoke to you and made you feel intimidated is NOT ON!

Does he have parents you could speak to or who could mediate? What about your family?

happymumof4crazykids Mon 13-Feb-17 17:39:20

I would not put up with that blatant favouritism. He either treats them all the same or nothing! It's bullying and very controlling behaviour towards your poor son who is never ever going to feel like he is good enough for dad. He treats you with contempt and disrespect, let himself sod off to the pub! If my OH behaved in this way I'd be changing the locks while he was there!

Enough101 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:39:28

Yes and you can tell the court all about his bullying...using football as the first example.

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