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Long Distance Relationship feels like its starting to fail

(35 Posts)
bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:19:25

Hello MNers,
I posted before christmas about my LDR of 5 years and whether it was the right time to move to be together. In a nutshell, I/we have been planning for me to move to be with my fiance in his home this summer but my DD was totally against the move and I decided that it was no longer the right time to make the move. I told him over xmas and he was ok about it. Though in need of lots of reassurance that 'we' were ok.

The reality now, is that it will be another 5 years before we will be in a position to move in together. Unless he moves in with me. WHich is an option but not a very viable one as he works/lives on family farm and has never known anything else. He has 2 DS - one at college and one who is unemployed and doing f-all (as far as i can tell) to get a job. (a serious bone of contention for me)

Anyway, the reason i am posting is because I am feeling really like Im letting go of the relationship. Since xmas I just dont feel like there is a future for us. But I dont know if its just because I have had to refocus my attention on staying put in my home town/job/friends/ etc or if its more than that.

He has always been worried that I will dump him at some point and up until now I have been 100% committed to our relationship but now I am finding it difficult to say those words.

Its been a big mental shift for us both, for the last 4 years or so we have been planning a life together but now that is not going to happen.

I do love him but I dont feel the same - I am trying hard to sort through my feelings and wondering if i will ever get those feelings back. Is it just because of the recent decision that i feel like this or is it terminal?

I must admit that the thought of another 5 years of seeing eachother every weekend does not fill me with pleasure. Another 5 years marking time. I will be 52 years old before I can move. The most worrying thing is that I am not missing him when we are apart.

His parents run their farm and he is little more than hired help although they cannot run it without him - they still pay him by the hour. Things might change in the next few years but I am not holding my breath on that. It is another reason why I didnt feel it was the right time to give up my independence/job/home/friends. Although of course the main reason was my DDs happiness.

He is the most loving man and adores me and part of me feels that i would be crazy to give that up and that I should do everything i can to get that loving feeling back. I dont want to be with anyone else either. Maybe i just need some me time. I work full time and every weekend is taken up seeing eachother which I find exhausting. Some weekends I would like to just do nothing, and see my friends and family or do stuff just me and my DD.

At xmas I said that i would like to have some time to myself now and again (the odd weekend without him) and he was very anti-that. He took that harder than the news that i couldnt move down this summer. He thinks that it is the start of something more worrying. Maybe he was right. or maybe the pressure and neediness that seems to be flowing from him is what's putting me off.

Do I cut my loses and break up with him? anyone got any experiences of long in time and long in distance relationships?

Justmuddlingalong Mon 13-Feb-17 17:24:31

How old is your DD?

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:28:26

DD is 13 Justmuddlingalong, so it will be 5 years before she goes off to Uni. I have 2 other DDs 18 & 20. My DD2 is going to Uni this September which is why we originally waited this long to be together. My youngest DD used to really want to move too but she has hit puberty and secondary school and now doesnt want to leave. When I was still planning to move her father got involved and said she could go live with him. So I was left facing the decision of losing my DD to move down on my own. When it came to it, I just couldnt.

Huskylover1 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:30:52

How far away is he?

Justmuddlingalong Mon 13-Feb-17 17:34:09

Ah, difficult age. You seem to have put your life on hold for 5 years. I guess the thought of this for another 5 years is what's getting you down. I don't blame you. It all sounds very set, with no room for spontaneity.

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:36:08

60 miles Huskylover - it takes about 1.5 hrs to drive there. I have considered the commuting option for DD but it would be too long for her. I Dont think he will seriously consider moving here unless I give him an ultimatum and even then I am not sure that is the right thing to do. I dont think he would anyway as he has a DS at college who will be there for another 2 years.

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:48:15

Justmuddling - yes you have possibly hit the nail on the head there. There is no room for spontaneity at all, not least because of the kids. His are worse than mine and never go out! - ever! at least mine have had sleepovers etc over the years and used to (hardly ever now) go to their dads at the weekends.

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 17:49:44

I think maybe I need to sit down and have a proper talk about things with him. Problem is he gets very emotional and tearful and I feel like the bloody snow queen in comparison.

Huskylover1 Mon 13-Feb-17 18:05:08

Gosh, what a conundrum. We moved closer to DH work, a few years before kids went to Uni (ideal house came up, where they rarely do), but it was only 30 mins, so I just had to suck it up and have long school runs. But 1.5 hours is alot. I take it trains are no better?

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 18:19:56

No unfortunately not, the trains take 1 hour plus a 20 minute ride to the closest station, so not an option. I feel like I wish I had considered this a long time ago. In reality I would have been better moving when my DD2 was younger but I stayed because i thought it was important for her to finish her education. The next opportunity was when she goes to Uni in september and DD would be in Year 9 and about to take her options for GCSE.

In hindsight, there was never gonna be a right time to move was there?

Justmuddlingalong Mon 13-Feb-17 18:28:55

You need to be practical in your discussions. Him being emotional shouldn't sway your decision. Do what makes you happy, long term. Don't think you've wasted 5 years, but make sure you don't waste 5 years of your future. flowers

Notagain2017 Mon 13-Feb-17 18:30:02

If I remember your previous thread correctly, the issue wasn't just finding the right timing for your daughter. There seemed to be bigger problems re his family and his work.

It sounds like you are backing off a bit and that would be natural under the circumstances. It is fine to spend some weekend time doing your own thing. Maybe you should try it to determine if you do really want to be with him.

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 18:44:44

You are correct Notagain2017, there were wider issues with the family farm and his lazy children that came more under the spotlight when it looked like I was going to be giving everything up including my DD.

Yes I am trying to decide what i want and whether I want to be with him. I just dont know Im very confused.

Montane50 Mon 13-Feb-17 19:03:26

I remember your thread. Don't rush into anything right now, but you seem to be writing as if you know its over in all but name? Personally I think it is and a clean break is hardest but best

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 19:30:11

Thanks Montane50, yes I realise that I am writing like I've already decided but I am worried im throwing the baby out with the bath water so to speak. The situation is confusing and difficult and sometimes it feels like its easier to walk away from it. I guess thats why i came on here, to get some views. You've all been very helpful so far.

FritzDonovan Mon 13-Feb-17 20:34:24

Sorry don't think I read your previous thread, but it seems like he is expecting you to make all the changes (although it is a difficult situation), and this doesn't really sound that fair on your kids if you are now doubting how good the relationship is. Just from what I have read here it doesn't sound as if you are convinced that the upheaval would be worth it?

Hermonie2016 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:52:30

I think I remember your previous thread.I would urge caution as I'm not sure it's right for you.You are giving up so much to get what in return? Life as a step mum, living with his family?

I made sacrifices for my ex and looking back I regret how much I gave up.Ex changed not long after we moved, and we had been together 10years before so I thought I knew him.Sometimes a major change like this alters the power within a couple especially for the now weaker person.

Why not try to have time apart and see if you do miss him.At some stage you will be ready to let the relationship go, maybe not now but perhaps soon.

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:52:50

Thanks for your thoughts FritzDonovan. I think the thing is knowing if its worth continuing for another 5 years. Things will have changed i am hoping by the time we get to move in stage. For one, that his DDs will have left home though this is possibly less likely unless they go to Uni though it isnt very likely it has to be said.

I have made it very clear that when i move down in 5 years I do not want to be living with 2 adult manchilds. I want it to be just me and my fiance. He has 5 years to get things sorted at his end. Guess I need to think about how likely that is going to be or ask him how likely that is going to be!

LesisMiserable Mon 13-Feb-17 20:53:58

Can I ask why you chose a LDR in the first place?

I'm in a similar position to you in that I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years now with my other half - same distance mileage wise although I wouldn't class it as long distance as such. I am about your age and also have a DD but who is 14. I would not uproot DD and I wouldn't and don't expect DP to move here as he loves where he lives and his job. In the future I can see myself moving over to him as opposed to him moving over to me but this would not happen until DD is at uni.

We have decided to marry this year and then live together permanently as and when that happens. At present we see each other every day one way or another. He's not massively struck on being married and not living together but he's not against it either. However he hasn't been married before and I have and I honestly believe a lot of couples issues are caused by living together and being together and answerable to each other in the home. That's my belief.

So I'm happy to be live separately, but I also think I do have a little commitment phobia and I wonder if thats what subconsciously led me to 'choose' someone who was a 'safe' distance away and I wonder if that's you too? I do love him and I love my space too and I see it that I have the best of both worlds, really.

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 20:55:54

In 5 years time his kids will be 22 and 25. Plenty old enough to be doing their own thing in their own accommodation. Though this is a rural and poor area of the country and their prospects as they stand arent great. They would almost be better coming to live in my area where there are plenty of opportunities. Though saying that, they have opportunities in their location they just dont utilise them.

ColdFeetinWinter Mon 13-Feb-17 21:47:12

Similar situation here. LDR with plans to move in put on hold because of offspring. I have young teen and he has adult man child who doesn't work...

Christmas was pivotal for me as we all shared my house for a few weeks. Man child is lovely but did little other than hog a whole sofa and turn TV up loud and control the remote.

He left and we didn't see each other for a month and actually it's been ok. So I'm left wondering where the future is going.

ColdFeetinWinter Mon 13-Feb-17 21:50:13

The pair of us are great together. Very happy.
Our two children....no. His wont move out and mine is too young. Neither of us would wish to push children away...me obviously because she's young and he because he missed his son growing up and he's enjoying seeing him now.
I have no intention of starting another relationship since same issues would develop. So stick it out for 4 years?

bananarama75 Mon 13-Feb-17 22:14:08

LesisMiserable - I dont think I intentionally chose a LDR- when you start dating you dont always look at the long term or bigger picture and by the time you do, its too late, you've invested too much time, energy and feelings to give up without at least trying to make things work. I think it is the wider problems that surround our relationship that makes things hard and difficult. Thank you for your insights though and for sharing your own experiences, i hope your wedding is joyous! I dont think I could do the whole marriage thing but live apart but \i can see the appeal.

ColdFeetinWinter - goodness, we are rather in the same boat. For the reasons above, I think 'we' as a couple are fine, its just evrything else that goes with it and it clouds my feelings for him. I am seeing him tomorrow, valentines day, its almost like when I see him I have to re-evaluate how I really feel about him. I suppose its just when Im here on my own doing my own thing it all seems alot simpler.

fuckoffdailysnail Tue 14-Feb-17 02:27:27

I find it very uncomfortable that he would be happy for you to leave your DD 90 mins away at the age of 13 to be with him. Regardless of whether she would be living with her father. That would be a deal breaker for me.
I just think it seems ridiculous to see eachother just at weekends for 10 years.
Sorry to be so blunt

ColdFeetinWinter Tue 14-Feb-17 08:32:41

daily when I was married, he worked away so a relationship seeing someone infrequently is normal to me. I think what is difficult is the reasons for the separation.

I would never move my DD away from school, friends etc. It's not negotiable.

OP the thing that is different to my situation is your DP's situation. He seems more tethered to that life by parents. Realistically if he had a job he could or might move. Realistically he does have a job (waged) but without any perks such as pension or holidays perhaps?

In the future his parents will get frailer and he (or you) might be running a farm and acting as carers but still he is paid as a farmhand? This is a separate issue really but for his family they need to consider the future really seriously as a death/illness would threaten the livelihood and housing of all involved.

I personally think his situation is really sad but it does belong to him and he needs to resolve it. By staying with him you will be taking on that whole difficult situation. I think you do need to be Snow Queen about this and protect yourself and your DD by making a clean break. Sorry

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