Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

H has left - emotionally reeling, financially fucked.

(40 Posts)
JohnnyMarr Mon 13-Feb-17 10:52:16

Two weeks ago my H of 17 years walked out following a two minute conversation about how he " just wasn't feeling it."

I am really not coping on anything but a very minimal level, it has taken a Herculean force of will to keep it together for my DC, particularly when coupled with various other ongoing stresses and if it wasn't for the support of my friends and family I honestly think I might have broken by now, and, frankly, still fear I'm on the brink of doing so. Have been to the Docs (sobbing throughout my appointment) and she helpfully suggested seeing a solicitor or the CAB. Because I hadn't thought of that hmm

I feel constantly sick and on edge, have lost a stone in weight, and my head is just a mess. He left us before, 18 months ago (totally out of the blue) and following extensive counselling we got back together. I just feel so incredibly, pathetically stupid to have taken him back, so gullible to have thought things were okay, only for him to do this. Again. Not just to me but to our poor DC.

As well as facing the horrific emotional turmoil he's caused I am utterly financially shafted having been a SAHM / trailing spouse for over a decade now. I've supported him in progressing from a low paid manual job to earning a six figure salary because I thought it would be beneficial to us all, but clearly the DC and I are now surplus to requirements and he has already set up a new account in his sole name so I can do nothing but wait and see what scraps he deigns to toss us. Despite him being a high earner assets will be fairly negligible as he has a spending habit to match and has run up a significant amount of credit card debt.

If anyone could offer practical advice, stories of how they've been through a similar nightmare and come out the other side, or even just a handhold I'd be eternally grateful. I honestly can't begin to see how I'll ever get through this sad

QuiteLikely5 Mon 13-Feb-17 11:02:02

You need to claim benefits so google that and you will see what you need to do.

Is he going to cover the mortgage and bills? If not contact all providers and explain your situation.

Contact the CSA and make a claim today.

Look for a lawyer

Be kind to yourself.

It's highly likely you're entitled to spousal maintenance even for s short period of time until you seek employment or retrain then secure a job

Is he paying you anything ?

NormaStanleyFletcher Mon 13-Feb-17 11:03:31

Hand hold from me.

You need to get on the finances as soon as possible. He should be paying maintenance according to his salary.

What you need is a shit hot lawyer.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Mon 13-Feb-17 11:04:49

Hello Johnny, here, take my hand, you poor love. You are bound to feel broken, amidst a miriad of mixed emotions.
You weren't stupid to take him back, you were trying to keep your family together. Have you made an appointment to see a solicitor, you will be far better informed then, making you feel slightly less burdened.
Do you own your home, you may be able to stay, depending on the ages of your children.
Make sure you keep any important documents safe.
Reach out to friends and family, you need them, they are your support network.
I promise you will get through this storm, you don't need a caterpillar in your salad, believe me.
He has made his move, come on Johnny love, it's now time to make yours !

TeamWolf Mon 13-Feb-17 11:06:11

Couldn't read and go
flowers cake
I'm so glad you have friends and family around.

Do you have copies of all financial paperwork?

Isadora2007 Mon 13-Feb-17 11:07:16

Won't he need to pay a minimum
20% of his salary to you for the kids?
Do make an appt with a solicitor today so you can start getting legal support. I think even if he has his own bank account if you're married it's seen as joint money anyway. Could be wrong...
You CAN do this. You WILL be fine without him. In fact you will be BETTER without him. It is bloody tough. It's awful, I do know that. But I also know it gets better and you will come out of this a stronger woman because of it. And he will always be an arse.

gamerchick Mon 13-Feb-17 11:08:22

Baby steps OP. No waiting for scraps neither, you are not at his mercy.

First money, claim those benefits you're entitled to. Then take it from there.

Naicehamshop Mon 13-Feb-17 11:09:30

So, so sorry to hear this. What a nightmare for you. flowers

I don't think you should be waiting for him to toss you a few scraps though. I don't want to sound like your doctor, but you must see a solicitor asap, and fight for what you and your dc deserve.

I know it seems horrendous now, but you will get through this and be better off without that total fuckwit dragging you down.

CharlieBoo Mon 13-Feb-17 11:17:30

Handholding Johnny... in similar situation. Last year my dh had an affair, like you I was completely financially dependent on him, (he's also a very high earner) been with him since the age of 19, been a sahm for a decade and supported him and his long hours throughout. I was broken, lost a huge amount of weight, went on AD's and after a few weeks i kind of pulled myself together. I started a cleaning business, I needed very little money to start it, my friend wanted to help run it and in 8 months I'm earning enough money to actually pay bills and run this house. I took my dh back, foolishly but it looks like my marriage is all but over now.. in these months I have got strong, realised I don't need him and his money, the dc and I WILL be and are fine...

He is the biggest looser and in time you will see that. Be kind to yourself, it's a huge shock, keep drinking, eat a little and keep busy... sending you a huge hug

HappyJanuary Mon 13-Feb-17 11:18:57

I've been through this experience and it's time to show him what you're made of.

Things you can do today - make an appointment with a solicitor (I asked divorced friends for recommendations), make an appointment with the Benefits Agency and phone Tax Credits.

Text him and ask what he envisions paying you each month to keep the ship afloat until the financials are sorted out.

When the dust settles you may be pleasantly surprised, as a sahm in a long marriage to a high earner you will be in a better position than most.

You may be able to stay in the marital home for now, and you may be entitled to spousal maintenance on top of the obligatory child maintenance, but the solicitor will obviously be best placed to advise you.

Take copies of stuff like savings snd pension statements, wage slips.

SandyY2K Mon 13-Feb-17 11:37:59

I just want to say you'll get through this. In time, you will find the strength to be a rock and a role model to your DC as you'll be the only dependable parent they have.

Don't kick yourself for taking him back last time, you gave it a try, as many in your situation would have done.

The thing is that he's shown he can't be reliable and the trust is gone.

Do you think there's anyone else involved? That changing of mind can be the case when there's an OW.

Does your DH have living parents that you speak to? Or other family that he has regard for?

This isn't to get him to return, but to get support in this difficult time.

Do you have details of bank accounts and other assets?

Is your home owned on a mortgage?

Look into a legal separation and discuss visitation and the maintenance he's going to be paying.

He doesn't have to stay in a marriage, but to walk out on your wife and DC is incredibly selfish and immature.

I'm sorry you're facing this, but please try and hold it together for your DC, you are the only constant loving parent they have, and they need you.

If you have family/friends you can leave the DC with while you have a couple of hours to yourself, please do that.

OFFFS Mon 13-Feb-17 11:39:38

How awful for you OP, but I'm afraid you're going to need to summon a little more strength to sort the practicalities. I don't want to overwhelm you and know you are already taking in as much as you can, but you need to get the ball moving on tax credits most importantly.

As I see it (and feel free to stop reading here if it's too much):

Firstly, ring the Tax Credits people immediately and have the forms sent to you. This has to be a priority.

Secondly, get on and that will take you through what you will be, well, entitled to.

Prepare a budget of outgoings. Every tiny little thing, and some other unpredictable ones (like school trips). I worked out in fine detail how much I needed to keep the children's lives going as they were.
Child Maintenance is not taken into account in the benefit calculation, only spousal. Your solicitor will be able to advise you.

I found a solicitor via a friend, and I felt safe with her. The first one I saw was all a bit 'we'll 'av 'I'm' but the one I stuck with looked after me. He paid all te solicitor/divorce/mediation fees.

We also used a mediator, and the sessions formed the basis of our court order. It wasn't easy but it was practical, and we agreed not to discuss anything outside the mediation sessions. That helped enormously.

I claimed part of his pension. This is very important. Again, your solicitor will advise you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My DCs are pre- and teens. We've managed to keep the family home, and haven't had to compromise their activities. I drove a hard bargain, but because I was prepared I could. I knew what I needed for them and that was that.

Allow yourself to grieve and cry. Don't forget to take care of yourself. When you come out the otherside you will be in control of your life, and you will get your DC through this too.

JohnnyMarr Mon 13-Feb-17 13:45:11

Thank you so much for all your replies, tbh I was hesitant to post as, as an averagely intelligent woman, I feel abjectly humiliated not only at having been rejected despite my best efforts to make our relationship work, but to have put myself and my DC in such a financially precarious position. The compassion, information and support that comes across in your replies is hugely appreciated.

In answer to some of your questions I have seen a solicitor, two in fact, the first one didn't fill me with a lot of hope for the future but the second was a lot more positive. I have a third free half hour later this week so will make my decision on who to instruct after that. Fortunately my DF has offered to help financially in this regard.

I have had very limited contact with H and only via text. He has been pressuring me to talk face to face and discuss "how to move forward" but I've told him I don't feel ready to make decisions concerning mine and the DC's financial future when I'm really not functioning on an optimum level and have asked for some indication as to his financial intentions. His only response to date is that he'll "do what he has to do" which clearly isn't especially reassuring.

In the meantime I've applied for Tax Credits and Child Benefit and, in my stronger moments (which sadly are few and far between) I've been thinking about jobs / retraining but it's all pretty daunting - I'm quite far past the wrong side of 40, have a pretty useless degree, no real marketable qualifications, the school run and CAMHS appointments to contend with, and to top it all off my self-esteem is virtually non-existent.

BUT even though things seem, quite literally, unbearable now I know that I have to get through this because my DC need me. My heart is breaking for them. When H left I asked him if he was seriously going to do this again, what about the DC? His response? "What about me?" Which I guess says it all really, but it's gutting that my poor DS now seems to think that it falls on him to be my emotional crutch because his feckless father wasn't up to the job.

terrylene Mon 13-Feb-17 16:08:56

Johnny - please don't beat yourself up - from my point of view you have done your level best to make this work out and have got nothing to be humiliated or feel ashamed about. Your financial position is not your fault. You are doing your best and that is all we can ever do.

It will come good. Keep all his communications in a file in case they come in useful down the line. He does not sound like he is in a good place and is a PIA, so I wouldn't rush into face to face without sound advice and ducks in a row. He has messed about too much already.

Good luck vibes flowers

CharlieBoo Mon 13-Feb-17 16:44:54

Johnny you sound like you're doing great... hang on in there..

Your ds sounds lovely.. your kids are what's going to get you through this... x

HappyJanuary Mon 13-Feb-17 17:36:09

I think you're doing exactly the right things.

Hopefully he will also see a sensible solicitor and be made aware of his obligations.

I agree with pp that you should write down all of your outgoings. I remember doing a 'bare minimum I could live on' and a slightly more optimistic budget too.

That way as you are informed of your income from benefits, tax credits and maintenance you can work out the shortfall that you'll need to earn.

Good luck op you're doing brilliantly and your ds will be fine because he's got you.

OllyBJolly Mon 13-Feb-17 17:45:57

Been there, done it, came out the other end happier and stronger!

Are you only looking at free half hour solicitors? Don't! Get a recommendation or check out the best solicitors in your area for matrimonial law by using Your shit hot lawyer won't be doing free half hours. Don't use the solicitor as a counsellor. (too expensive!) Be clear - and realistic - about what you want to achieve.

Most importantly, look after yourself. You and your family need you to be strong and you can't be that if you're not healthy.

You'll get through this!

Sugarpiehoneyeye Mon 13-Feb-17 17:49:42

Great stuff Johnny, you're doing really well.
What a great DS you have, showing such compassion, that's down to your excellent mothering.
You've had some good advice here, but you sound pretty clued up yourself.
It will be alright Sweet, you just have to wade through the swamp, to get there unfortunately.
You've got a cracking Dad behind you too, he'll catch you, should you fall.
Someone is always here for you, around the clock, don't be alone. 🙋🏼🌸

TeamWolf Mon 13-Feb-17 18:01:22

How are you doing Johnny?

RandomMess Mon 13-Feb-17 18:06:32

How utterly horrible for you and the DC.

As a trailing spouse etc, just remember you are utterly entitled to receive spousal maintenance plus a share of his pension. Ensure you have a Shit Hot Lawyer (SHL) to ensure you receive this long beyond child maintenance having stopped.

flowers be kind to yourself

JohnnyMarr Mon 13-Feb-17 18:27:24

Thanks again, it's helping to offload here - as much as my RL support system has been fantastic there are only so many times even the most well meaning of friends can listen patiently to the same woeful tale, particularly the second time around, and I feel guilty venting to my family as they're all extremely fond of him and so they're distraught too.

Terry I don't think he is in a good place. He's been under an enormous amount of stress at work and we've also had quite significant issues with DD recently. Apparently his sister thinks he's verging on a breakdown sad But regardless of the whys and wherefores my shitty situation remains unchanged. If he is indeed having some kind of crisis then had he confided in me I would have done everything within my power to try to help him but I think he just sees the problem as being me.

Charlie and Happy Thank you. And yes, DC are lovely, but in some ways that just makes it hurt even more that he has been so contemptuous of their feelings. DD wants nothing to do with him and given that their relationship was tenuous even before I really feel this latest fuckwittery may have done it irreparable damage sad

Olly Thanks for the link, the solicitor I'm seeing later this week is listed but tbh I'm only seeing him because a friend who works there has wangled me an appointment - realistically there is no way I can afford to pay for his services much as I'd love a SHL to wipe the floor with H's sorry arse!

Teabay Mon 13-Feb-17 22:57:46


I believe that any solicitor you see WON'T then be able to see or act of your DH.
So, you could go and have a free half hr with every one in your town. Ask them which one they hope your husband won't employ (or which one they don't want to face in court) and then definitely go and see that one...wink

rollonthesummer Mon 13-Feb-17 23:01:05

You poor thing-that sounds awful sad How old are your children?

Cherrysoup Mon 13-Feb-17 23:38:46

J'en ai marre, apt name, OP sad Big handhold from me, you must feel shattered.

Please heed the advice no don't just co solder the free half hour solicitors, get a recommendation and don't allow yourself to be persuaded to go with someone crap because they're cheap.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Tue 14-Feb-17 08:09:28

How are you today OP ?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now