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is this friend overly opinionated or am I too sensitive?(14 Posts)
I have a good friend who is very thoughtful, and mostly lovely. We are both in our early 30's and both pregnant (she is 12 weeks behind me). I feel that since she found out she is pregnant there is an expectation that her and I will be very close.
The problem is that while she is a caring person, I also find her to be extremely judgemental which I think stems from jealousy and insecurity. financially, we are better off then them, and I often find her making comments about this, and just generally other aspects in my life -it would all be carefully worded though. Example: she will Bring up when I plan on going back to work - to which I reply I have no idea and I will see how we are going (this is the truth, but I also am deliberately vague with her so that I don't have to deal with her opinion on what I am doing). She will respond 'but OH earns enough for you to stay home so I don't know why you wouldn't?' I can give more examples but they are all basically like this. Firstly she has no idea about our finances, and it's really not her business to comment on this, let alone having an opinion on if I shouldn't/should go back to work. When this happens I am normally dismissive because I don't want to seem aggressive, so I would just say something like 'well we don't know how we will be going so we will see'. But I feel that it's worded to be hurtful, as in I should stay with my child if I could - why would I CHOOSE not to?
She has had an opinion on my thoughts on what I want for my labour and when my babies christening should be (so that it would fit around her babies birth). These topics are all brought up by her, and when I respond I am automatically given her opinion on it. She can be judgemental of others too, she often repeats a story to me about how 'so and so spent their money on this but they must be living in so much debt - I would never want that' etc. which I don't actually think is the case anyway.
My question is - am I being overly sensitive by letting these constant disguised judgements bother me? should I just let it go or should I pull her up? Is this normal in a friendship? All my other friends are a lot more laid back. I feel that the judgements are often used to put me down.
It's a toughie. I think if it was me, I would think she was being judgemental, but then, I am quite sensitive. Her judgements seem to be circulating around money, which is an uncomfortable subject for most.
I had an (ex) friend who was very opinionated after she married into a wealthy family. It was excruciating to watch. Such comments as "can you afford to buy your DC's those?" (when I'd treated them to a toy ). I think, in her case, it was down to insecurity & trying to keep up with the Jones's. However, she came across as stuck up and was a bit of a bitch with it. She was also fretting because a mutual friend of ours was going to visit her & she was worried about what the neighbours would think of said friends car. She was vile!
Hi User, thanks for the response. Yes it is mostly about money, but it is also about most aspects of life in general.
Your ex friends sounds horrid. How did you deal when she would make comments like that?
I definitely don't think you're being sensitive. I don't see this friendship as a good one for you, so I would gently step back from it. She seems toxic to me. Congratulations on your pregnancy
I think you are being a little sensitive but ultimately if she irritates then even the most minor of comment's will grate.
I have a "friend" who irritates me with her comments but if another friend said the same thing then it wouldn't bother me and would probably lead to a fuller conversation.
I have distanced myself from my "friend" as she will always annoy me now. I am polite and chat if we cross paths but I don't actively arrange to meet.
Try and establish friends elsewhere and don't tell her the groups you join (restrict her viewing on Facebook) so she doesn't follow you there.
I had an ex "friend" like this. Note the "ex". We met through our kids and were friends for about 2 years.
She was toxic, and her child horrible. I cut them both out of my life permanently about 11 years ago. Just wish I'd done it sooner. Not surprisingly, just about everyone else she knew/knows also ends up cutting her off or dialling things back to barely civil sooner or later, so I know it was definitely her and not not me.
It's hard to know if you are being overly sensitive or not, however that is irrelevant. This friendship does not make you happy, you do not feel she is supportive towards you and you should back away from it. You will meet plenty of friends and mums throughout your pregnancy and baby years that you have a lot in common with.
Life is too short to spend it with people who drain you of your energy.
Thanks for all the responses. You all make good points!
Snuggly - that is a good example and I feel the same way. Some of these comments wouldn't bother me if it came from other friends, maybe it's the tone she uses or the fact that I think there is something behind what she is saying. Thanks everybody for your help! I think for now I will see how things go and after baby arrives (hopefully this week!) I will re-evaluate!
i found it hard to read that. a friend and i are in a similar situatiom but the other way round.
i am the less well off one and least pregnant. she is due soon. her dp earns a fair bit and from the begining she has talked about leaving work, taking 12 months etc but always adds 'because her dp can afford to look after her'. All the comments seem very targeted.
I think in this situation, your friend does seem a bit envious of what she sees as your financial status. i would just shut her down on the subject either by saying something like 'i can't afford to take 12 months' or 'i'd rather not discuss finances' and see if, when she is not saying things that upset you, there is a friendship there that can be salvaged.
Kill this friendship!!!! Trust me. Kill it now before baby arrives!
Congrats on your pregnancy.
Sorry my kids are up so posted too quickly. In summary i have been exactly where you are and it is infinitely more irritating when the commentary is about your baby, your parenting choices and you are sleep deprived and finding your way as a new mum.
Step back, disengage NOW.
Yes I am shouting!!!
Gingerbreadmam - I'm sorry your friend is making you feel judged too! I really don't know why somebody would want to mention these things. at the end of the day we all want the best for our babies and this is completely irrelevant to your income, or when you will have to go back to work. I will try and over look the judgemental comments and focus on the positive aspects of our friendship!
maybe your friend is insecure like my friend and that is why she feels the need to make you aware of her financial situation? Maybe you have something else she is envious of?
Haha thanks Eminado. I discussed this with my OH and I mentioned I was concerned it would soon be competition/judgement about parenting, who got their first tooth or how many toys the kids have! I will wait this one out but if this does happen I will be seriously re-considering the friendship.
It could be that money is a really issue for her. We didn't have an awful lot of money growing up and I had 'poverty consciousness' which I actually had hypnotherapy for (which pretty much worked!). My world was always viewed through a financial lens (i.e. could I afford to do that? how can they afford that house with their jobs, etc.). I couldn't help it and, hard as I tried to control it, it spilled out in conversation making me look very judgemental.
Maybe pull her up on it but do it gently. Questions like "What makes you think that?", "Do you know how much she earns then?" etc.
My Mum is late 70s, has been out of the workforce for almost 20 years but is always telling me there aren't many jobs out there at the moment (in the South East). I'm always saying to her, "How do you know that then? Have you been looking?"
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