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Domestic abuse help

(16 Posts)
Iwantausername Sun 12-Feb-17 17:23:55

Hi I posted on a thread last night but I think I need my own thread because I don't want to hijack.
I've been with my OH for a few years,we live together.
I think he's abusive, but I'm finding it hard to get my head around.
He has sprained my wrist and frequently is hurtful and abusive with words and actions.
I've been called so many names I don't want to repeat and am frequently told I'm unwanted and not cared about and to just fuck off, I'm frequently patronized and verbally abused. But then it switches to love and flowers and him thinking he can do no wrong and apologizing etc.
My mental health is suffering and I never feel happy anymore. Part of me wants to leave but I have no idea how I would do so. I have no money in my own right. I have very little family support only my mum who is miles away and in a studio flat - I could stay there for a short amount of time if I absolutely had no other way to go about it but I'd keep that as a last resort as we don't get on to the greatest degree and her home is too small for her let alone me as well. (she's currently trying to move)
I don't have a job and Its hard for me to get one - I've been trying very hard to get even minimum wage jobs but I can barely get interviews and when I do I often feel I'm there to make up numbers.
I have no qualifications not even GCSE's and no real work experience other than commission based self employed sales (think avon) which prospective employers have actually laughed at me for sad Even though I'm only going for bottom rung type positions which I'd be perfectly happy with.
Police were called by our neighbor when he sprained my wrist which was last week, They had heard me screaming and crying. I told the police I was fine. It just came out. I was so scared. I didn't want him to be arrested but I know he deserves it. I'm also frightened of not being believed after previous awful experiences with the legal system.
I don't know how to support myself. I don't know how to get out. I don't know if I'm just being stupid.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Can someone please throw me some advice, I'd very much appreciate it.

pudding21 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:58:10

Iwantausername : hi, you posted on the other thread. Take a look at this website outofthefog.website/ that explains about how and why it is difficult to get your head around. He IS abusive. Normal healthy people do not sprain other peoples wrists for fun. I was in a similar position to you, just got out. I have just been round to pick stuff up and its difficult to remember everything, all I know is I am broken. Broken by the man who is supposed to love and care for you the most.

Have you talked about what happened? You need to start making plans if you can't leave straight away or call Womens Aid in your area for advice. Can you go to any family or friends?

Have you told anyone about it? Sounds like he is escalating, has anything changed in your life recently?

Others will have more advice, but you need to protect yourself. Do you have kids? If so they need protecting too. Its taken me two years (or more if I am honest with myself), and over 6 months since he put his hands round my throat to leave. flowers

One thing is for certain, you don't deserve this.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 12-Feb-17 18:07:36

The nice/nasty cycle is typical of the cycle of abuse and you are being abused by him. Such a cycle as well is a continuous one. You are clearly afraid of him and fear of their abuser and the unknown also keeps people trapped within such relationships too. It can take people several attempts to leave.

Go to your GP and get your wrist injury documented. A paper trail will also help you.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you escape this dangerous individual. They will believe you. You can and will manage without this person in your life.

Iwantausername Sun 12-Feb-17 18:09:39

I haven't talked to anyone about what happened, apart from on here. I don't really know where to seek help. Phoning womens aid is a start but honestly I feel quite scared about phoning them. I don't know why, It just feels like other people phone womens aid, not me, and its not serious enough to take up their time/resources.
I don't think anything has changed in our life to be totally honest, It seems he goes in cycles of getting better and then worse, with the worst patches lasting about a month or so where he's downright horrible to me everyday he has hit me before although not too recently including throwing things at me, hitting me over the head with a piece of wood from a broken chair, swinging me into a wall (which is what he was trying to do when he sprained my wrist last week, only the other times he's done it I've never sustained more than bruises).. he has broken my property including a globe storage thing for bottles of alcohol (don't know how to describe it) which was left to me by a deceased family member. He also broke my old laptop. Has smashed 2 of my old phones.
I don't have any friends, and I have very little family support but as mentioned above could possibly go to my mums if I absolutely had to, but would keep that as a last resort as she is in a bedsit/studio flat type thing with not enough space for herself let alone me too. we also have quite a strained relationship due to her own issues.
I don't know how to protect myself, or how to seek help really. I know I need to phone someone ASAP but I keep worrying - Will the call show up on the phone bill? He works 5-6 days a week so I have lots of time alone.
we don't have any kids thank god.
If I go into a refuge how would I support myself? How would I survive?
Would I have to pay? Would someone help me get a job/training for one?
Would I actually cope alone? So many thoughts. it all seems such a long hard process.

twattymctwatterson Sun 12-Feb-17 18:14:58

You need to get out op. You'll be entitled to housing benefit and jobseekers so you will be fine. Have you thought about further education? Your post is well written and you sound intelligent so I'm sure you're more than capable of getting some qualifications which would build your confidence and improve your employment prospects. You deserve so much more than this

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 12-Feb-17 18:17:39

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. This individual crossed that line a long time ago and your relationship was really well and truly over then.

What you write of is very serious; it is all classed as domestic violence. Smashing up your property is a further example of domestic violence against you; he does not smash up his things, only yours. Such men hate women, all of them.

You do matter and WA can and will help you here; do call them.
You've been assaulted by him and called vile names; he could all too easily now put you in hospital subsequently. It is a big ask for you to call WA and that first step out is more often than not the hardest to take. That step is the one you have to make on your own. You cannot stay with this man because he will hit you again.

pog100 Sun 12-Feb-17 18:29:30

You sound lovely, articulate, sensitive and intelligent. You also sound like your upbringing hasn't helped you to build up self esteem. One thing is certain, this relationship is exactly the opposite of what you need and you need to extract yourself asap. Thankfully you seem to have no ties to him, so it is really fear that is keeping you. Women's Aid are exactly the people you need, contact them by means that don't show on things he might see, and get yourself out. From the way you right I am certain you can get qualifications/jobs as soon as you escape people pulling you down.
Good luck!!

QuiteLikely5 Sun 12-Feb-17 18:47:57

You could google 'women's refuge swindon'

Obviously you'll need to put in your own area and I'm sure their website will have instructions on what to do next

Iwantausername Sun 12-Feb-17 19:22:30

Thank you everyone. He won't be home until 10pm earliest tonight. Not sure what to do. Trying to gather up the courage to ring womens aid, I feel sick. I googled like QuiteLikely suggested and got my county council's page about it saying to ring womens aid and that there are x amount of refuge spaces in x y and z areas within the county. Everything seems to go through womens aid tbh.
This is hard.

Naicehamshop Sun 12-Feb-17 19:31:01

It will be hard, but it will honestly get better flowers

Fedupd0tcom Sun 12-Feb-17 19:31:54

Hello lovely. You seem very intelligent and well read in your post and I think that this brute has made your confidence hit rock bottom. You are capable of so much. Please try and believe in yourself. You are amazing and can do anything you try to do in life....don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In terms of your current situation the best option would be to go to a refuge. You need to prioritise safety. That is number 1. Once you are safe and able to then rebuild your confidence and gradually rebuild your life. But leave as soon as you can. Sometimes taking your lo and just going somewhere safe just frees you from the abuse and eventually leaves you to a better place and life. But taking that first step out the door into a frightening unknown is difficult but you can and must do it and get to a refuge and get safe. Sending you lots of hugs.

Fedupd0tcom Sun 12-Feb-17 19:32:52

The first step out is so tough but once you are out and somewhere safe you will feel emboldened and gradually things will get better x

Iwantausername Sun 12-Feb-17 19:49:44

Really struggling. Keep dialing and put the phone down. I feel sick and I'm shaking. I feel very frightened and I'm not 100 percent sure why.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

pudding21 Sun 12-Feb-17 20:05:44

It's pure fear. Speak to them it's confidential, reach out to someone. Be brace. You got this.

Fedupd0tcom Sun 12-Feb-17 20:14:54

You're very brave. Big up the phone. You can do this. You have to x

Asparagusupmynose Sun 12-Feb-17 20:56:36

If you don't leave tonight, please wipe the search history from your computer. If you do call, wipe the number from your phone. Keep safe!
This is his problem, you are not to blame and need to leave. Then do the freedom programme, it really helps you see how this is typical behaviours of abusive men. It is them, you can't act differently to stop it, you have to leave. The actions you describe could end with far more serious injuries than you have had so far. You only have to hit your head badly on the wall once. You don't deserve this! You need help from womens aid, it was set up for women like you! If you can't, then your mum will be happy to squash up and help to keep you safe. I hope my daughter would call and let me help. It would kill me if anything happened to her and she hadn't let me help her.

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