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Can't cope with my mother anymore(11 Posts)
I don't want to give away too many identifying details for obvious reasons but I'm going to try and give as much info as possible.
Basically since I was a child (20s now) my mother has been an absolute nightmare, she has been a single parent and she's managed to turn everyone she's ever met against her. She has mental health issues but I know that her behaviour predates this and most things aren't related to it.
She acts like a child/moody teenager. There is no break, she is either jealous of other people, stomping around being selfish or getting involved where she isn't wanted. She makes everything about her - even things that logically have nothing to do with her. She gets involved in other people's business where she clearly isn't wanted and then kicks off when she isn't given attention.
I'm currently living with her for a few months out of pure financial need, and I just can't cope. She has what I can only describe as tantrums and honestly I just don't like her. Its really difficult because if she was anyone else I'd stay well away.
She has no friends because of this behaviour and even her parents (my grandparents) are reluctant to see her.
I just wish she would grow up, the only way I can describe it is to say she acts like a spoiled child.
She's putting you up when you need a roof over your head. So she's clearly not all bad.
How is having you staying with her impacting on her time/space/finances?
Are you able to do anything to help with her mental health issues?
The behaviour you describe seems to come from real unhappiness, and low-self-esteem. The fact that you and your grandparents don't seem to like her probably doesn't help.
I pay half of everything and I'm working a lot so I'm hardly here. She insisted I stay here so I don't think its stemming from resentment
She has therapy for her mental health issues but she adamant that they have some sort of grudge against her/can't be bothered to travel, so often doesn't go.
Honestly we (myself and my grandparents) really try to be understanding, but its been years, and she never tries in return, she's just so self absorbed
Your mother will not change and it is not your fault she is like this. You did not make her this way. She did not seek or actually want the necessary help back then and won't do so now. She is not your responsibility.
I would read up on NPD and see how much of that relates to your own experience with your mother. Narcissists as well do not respond at all well to any therapy.
You need to protect your own self here. I would move out asap and not give her your forwarding address. Can you move in with a friend or flat share?. Living with your mother is no longer feasible.
TBH OP, I'd take Atilla's advice and have a good think about it, when deciding what to do. I've been having problems with my own mum (not any more as I've gone NC with her) and I can honestly say that if it wasn't for her (Atilla's) sage advice, I'd probably not be here.
She has helped me to see my mum's behaviour for what it is and to also see mum for who she really is (a narc who is raging that I'm disconnected from her and could expose her at any point). By doing that, Atilla has helped me change my life for the better, and I'm now so much happier.
I do have major pangs of sadness that I never got to experience a wonderful mother-daughter relationship that most of my friends have experienced. That said, I did have a mother-daughter relationship with my fantastic late MIL, for 7 wonderful years. MIL was the mum I should have had, and not the one I actually was burdened with for 38yrs.
Even my own dad said "Scruff, it's not something I'd do as a family man, but if you decide to go NC with your mother, I'll completely understand why". For that to come from the man who just passed away last May, and who stood by me on most occasions (even pulling mum up on her behaviour toward me as a child and teen), it was the blessing to go NC that I needed.
Anyway, I would second moving out and will say that your mum is displaying narc traits. I'm not diagnosing her (I'll leave that to the appropriate professionals), just saying that there are some traits that she is displaying that are consistent with NPD.
It certainly seems that living with your mum is not working out at all and the situation either is, or is becoming untenable. The only option is to move out ASAP and do not give your new address. There is always the risk that if you do, she may harass you.
She did not seek or actually want the necessary help back then
I didn't read that in the op.
Sometimes, in rare cases, the only choice is to go nc with a difficult parent - but this is by far not the only, or best, option. Apart from anything, nc can be extremely difficult - it's not always a case of nc and then all is hunky dory.
It sounds like she has significant mh issues. It's all very well saying this isn't your responsibility - are you her only child?
There is a strong presence on mn of posters who insist on nc as a blanket response. As i said, sometimes this really is the only way, but there is also a lot you can do before pressing the nuclear button..
Eg read up on boundaries (Dr Henry Cloud has written an excellent book called, unsurprisingly, 'Boundaries'). Imo you're going to need therapy to unravel not only the current situation but also issues from your childhood. I hope you find a therapist who takes the time to see the broader picture and doesn't push for the nuclear option from the off - sadly, some therapists have their own mother issues they project into their clients.
Whatever, it looks like reduced contact would be the best option while you work on these very difficult issues. Be prepared, it's going to take some time. Ime it took a very long time. And, no, I didn't choose nc and currently have a very good relationship with my very flawed and very damaged mum. It's me who had to do some growing up.
As soon as you can, leave. Then go low or no contact. I agree read up on NPD and Google daughters of toxic mothers to find support sites and explore if you think this fits with your mother.
I'm saving up, I am around a month away from being able to move.
I'd find it difficult to go NC as I feel like she doesn't have anyone else, and she isn't going to change, so I'd basically be abandoning her. But at the same time she isn't my responsibility. It's so hard, I feel more of an adult than she is
I do feel for you OP, but moving out and going NC is the only way to save your sanity. How she is, is not your fault. And she is not your responsibility.
I know someone who has gone NC with his mother around a year ago. He is 25. (I will call him Josh.) His mother was manipulative and controlling and possessive, but was also vile to him, and criticised him daily. Yet Josh is the loveliest, sweetest young man in the world, and she was damn lucky to have him.
He has a brother who is a year younger who is mommy's favourite. Their dad (who never married her,) left her 12 years ago, when the boys were in their very early teens, for another woman, and married her within a year. She never got over it and never a day went by when she didn't rant about 'that whore.' She was always a cow before, but was worse after he left. Unsurprisingly, she has never had another man since.
Josh met a young lady in very early 2015, and after a year of dating, they decided (at the age of 24,) they would start looking for a place together. They kept it to themselves whilst they looked.
Long story short, when his mother found out, she went utterly mental and threw him out onto the street. He had to go stay with his girlfriend and her parents for a month until they got somewhere together.
His mother told him never to come home and to get his father to come get his stuff. He did. The sad thing was that there was hardly anything, and only a shoebox full of stuff from his childhood and no toys or anything. She threw everything away. She has no sentiment, no feelings, no real love for him.
A year on, and he hasn't spoke to her since, he has had his birthday, and her birthday, and Christmas and New year, and has not flinched once. He has stayed NC. Everyone who knows him says they have never seen him so happy and chilled. He was constantly worried about being whacked across the head, or screamed at, or criticised, and was never allowed in the lounge (in case he messed it up,)....... And now nothing, just a life with his lovely girlfriend, dad and stepmom, and 2 step sisters, and his girlfriend's wonderful family.
The relationship with his brother broke down though as he sided with the mother. However, no-one else in the family did, as none of them can stand her either. Even Josh's nan (his mother's mother,) chose him over her! His mom said to the nan 'if you speak to him, don't speak to me again.' Fine said nan...And they haven't spoken for a year either. In addition, Josh's 3 cousins still have contact with him (the mom's brother's children,) because they can't stand Josh's mom either....... and their dad is close to Josh too. (His mother's brother.) Apparently, he isn't keen on her either. So she literally just has the younger brother!
So yeah, go NC, you will be better in the long run. A toxic mother is soul destroying.
You may, or may not, be better in the long run with NC. But nc isn't the only option. Relationships are endlessly nuanced, rarely black and white. Please don'e think your only option is nc - and that you'd be an idiot to think otherwise.
Some people are toxic through and through. The vast majority of difficult people aren't toxic through and through. You say you feel like the adult and it may be you have to accept that. It's not easy to accept but it can be done, eventually. Especially with support.
agreed with springydaffs there.
NC -is- an option if your own mental health starts being at risk, or if your relative endlessly tramples on reasonable boundaries. But LC or NC are things to think about in the future.
At the moment it's either a choice of looking for somewhere else now, or gritting your teeth for another month.
Having said that, don't underestimate how much a joy-sucker can stress you and affect your whole experience / enjoyment of life. She's your mother; but you have a right not to be dragged down and to have your own life.
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