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I don't want kids but my Fiance does... should I leave him?

(93 Posts)
Sheffield071216 Sun 12-Feb-17 13:13:05

I have been with my partner now for almost 7 years. We have been engaged since 2015 and due to get married in September.

I have never been keen on the idea of having kids but have always said it's probably something I will do because i love my partner so much.

The closer the wedding is getting and the older I am getting (30 in June) the more I know in my heart that i don't want kids. My partner never likes to discuss things and usually burries his head in the sand. But This weekend I have made him talk about it.

No one ever understands a woman that doesnt want children, everyone around me tells me "you'll be fine once you have them" but I dont want that. When I see my future I don't see kids. My partner very much wants to be a Dad, he has done all his life. Over the past few days he has been trying to get his head round things. One minute he says he doesnt want to have kids with anyone else and that he'd give it up for me. Then he'll ask will I change my mind, I have made it very clear to him now that I won't.

I am struglging with what to do. I love him but I dont think I shoud be making him choose between me and a family. Should I set him free?

FiloPasty Sun 12-Feb-17 13:14:52

Yes you should I think, sad as that is

strawberrypenguin Sun 12-Feb-17 13:16:07

So you've strung him along for 7 years and now said no to kids. Yes you should leave - if you were a man who had done this to a woman you would be rightly lynched on here

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 12-Feb-17 13:16:32

Yes, I'd set him free. His expectation of life pans out in an entirely different way to yours.

I think its different to not being able to have kids. If that's the case you've started off from the same point in married life, and can try and work though it as a couple, and take some sort of action and console each other.

But you are starting out from different positions.

ShelaghTurner Sun 12-Feb-17 13:16:54

Yes so do I. Sorry. I've read too many stories on here of people who waited for their partner to change their mind and they never did. If you're certain that you don't and he's certain that he does who knows how much resentment that is storing up for the future.

MyWineTime Sun 12-Feb-17 13:18:20

Issues like this never actually go away.
I would be very worried that he will go along with what you want in the hope that one day you will change your mind.
You need to make sure that this is crystal clear in his head and hope that it isn't that strong a drive in him.

Mottlemoth Sun 12-Feb-17 13:20:10

I think you should, yes. Sad as it is, you want completely different things from life so your marriage will not work.

DJKKSlider Sun 12-Feb-17 13:20:56

I agree with Strawberry

If you didn't want kids, you should have said no from the beginning. Even if you weren't sure, they were obviously a big thing for him and not for you. You should have set him free 7 years ago.

Footle Sun 12-Feb-17 13:21:56

Yes you have to go your separate ways.

Allatseainthemidlands Sun 12-Feb-17 13:26:33

You can't expect him to change his longing for children and he can't expect you to carry and raise children you don't want- at least one of you- more than likely both of you- would become miserable. As sad as it is it's better to part company before you get married rather than add delay and divorce into the mix

TataEs Sun 12-Feb-17 13:33:07

yeah.
i can't see it lasting.
one of you will compromise, and there will be resentment.

BonnyScotland Sun 12-Feb-17 13:36:26

He wants kids... let him be with someone who also will cherish kids...

SharkBastard Sun 12-Feb-17 13:38:00

Yes societies view of women not wanting children is ridiculous!

I think you know you can't continue in the relationship. One positive is that as he's the one who wants children, he can go on to any age to have them so not quite the same as a man stringing a women along like some have said!

Very sad but inevitable as you're well aware I'm sure

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans Sun 12-Feb-17 13:45:52

Yes.

Some people on here will tell you they thought they didn't want kids, had them anyway and their lives were immeasurably enriched, but I never wanted them and at 43 I still don't.

Let him go find someone who wants to have kids with him, you have the childfree life you want.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 12-Feb-17 15:22:36

Yes.

Jenbob13 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:24:23

How old are you OP just out of interest?

INeedNewShoes Sun 12-Feb-17 15:28:30

I think this is one thing that people can't/shouldn't compromise on. Its too big an element of life.

I think you should let him go, awful as it will be now.

There is a possibility that you will feel differently about children later on (I know of a couple of women who were sure they didn't want children, but something clicked mid-thirties and they did go on to have children), but you equally may not and you can't risk him missing out on the opportunity to have children if it is important to him. He needs to get out there and have the chance to meet someone with a similar life-plan as himself.

TheNaze73 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:30:17

The compromise position has to be the status quo in these situations. He'll get resentfull as he gets older. Life's too short

PaperdollCartoon Sun 12-Feb-17 15:32:13

Jenbob she's nearly 30, it's in the OP.

Yes I think you should leave him. I'm the same age as you, have been with my partner 4 1/2 years. I've always known I want children and if he suddenly said he didn't want them I would leave. It's very important to me. If you know you will never want them and are sure he does, let him find someone he can share that with.

blue2014 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:34:26

Don't have kids just because you love. My DS is very very very much wanted (4 years of trying and a round of Ivf), I adore him but it is by far the hardest thing I have ever ever done.

I'm sorry love, this must be very hard

hearyoume Sun 12-Feb-17 15:38:57

I think you need to end it as one or both of you will end up miserable. He is hoping you'll change your mind. You know you won't. Let him go.

Spacecadet14 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:41:23

There's no compromise either of you can make without being utterly miserable, so yes, you should let him go. My DP said months into our relationship that he never wanted to marry but that wasn't a deal breaker for me. Kids on the other hand would've been and it sounds like they are for your DP.

JoJoSM2 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:42:00

Any particular reason you don't want children? I do know people who changed their mind but equally I know people who didn't and ended up getting divorced...

Sheffield071216 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:42:43

Thank you all for the comments.

He says he doesnt wana loose me. And that he wants kids with me and no one else. How do I tell him I need to leave him without him thinking I don't love him? I love him and thats the reason I feel like I need to let him go. I can't ask him to give that up.

Heartbrekaing.

I'm 29 and he's 26.

Sheffield071216 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:44:58

I just don't feel that void inside me, when i look to the future I don't see kids. I see me and him. He is enough for me.

I am not enough for him, as much as he loves me and doesnt want to loose me, I'm still not enough. He sees kids as the next step after the wedding. Where as I don't

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