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is my marriage over?

(8 Posts)
fourforksake Sun 12-Feb-17 11:52:58

been with DH 25 years. 2 kids (both adults) he has long standing health issue. for last 6 months things have been awkward and stilted. im not sure how or why this happened we just stopped feeling comfortable around each other. and he has turned in to a grumpy git.

he never compliments me. i was dolled up to the nines for a night out just before xmas, i thought i looked great, my friends told me i looked great but the response i got from my DH (after asking him if i looked ok) was "are you wearing your winter coat with that?".... i cant remember the last time he told me he loved me, without it being in response to me saying it first. he hasnt been near me sexually for a month, and the last time i came on to him he lost his erection halfway through. so its pretty obvious he doesnt find me attractive anymore.
i dont think there is an OW, but i could be wrong. his habits/routine/appearance hasnt changed, just his attitude to me.

i feel so sad and old and unloved and unwanted

HoldingBay Sun 12-Feb-17 12:17:52

Hi. There no doubt will be a reason why he is behaving like this towards you (it could be depression-related, for example) or maybe something to do with the relationship that he is not happy with (he could be harbouring resentment about something). Have you tried talking to him?

fourforksake Sun 12-Feb-17 12:24:08

whenever i try to discuss our relationship problems he seems to think i am having a go and responds by either saying i'm not feeling well (my reaction is to stop the discussion) or tells me shhhh i'm being silly, gives me a quick hug and expects it all to be fine. there have been times when i have been sobbing my face off (eg when my nan died) and he just looks at me, like he doesn't know how to comfort me. he never used to be like this. :-(

HoldingBay Sun 12-Feb-17 13:30:06

That's not good. You need to get across to him that there is a serious problem the way things are at the moment. You need to explain the way his behaviour makes you feel and that you are even thinking that the marriage might be over as a consequence. Couple's counselling might be beneficial for you, especially as he has trouble having a frank discussion and acknowledging your feelings. Do you think it could be an option for you?

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 12-Feb-17 13:42:09

Could you possibly enlighten us, regarding his long standing illness.
He does sound depressed, like he's given up, lost hope.
This must be very difficult for you. 💐

fourforksake Sun 12-Feb-17 16:51:46

hi, thanks for the replies. DH has crohn's disease, predominantly in his colon and bowel, but it affects him in other ways too. joint ache, liver issues etc and his meds are gruesome...
i've suggested counselling before, both for our marriage and for him to talk about his illness, not interested.
he never used to be so closed off, in the past when we had problems we talked and compromised and even when we were at each others throats we could still be frank about our feelings for each other, but that was in the dim and distant past and i think he just wants to live with this awkward cordiality as the status quo...and i dont know if i can...this coldness is breaking my heart. i heard a song on the radio earlier that reminded me of how we used to be ( no it's not "the way we were") that made me want to sob all over him (i didnt) but i should be able to, and i can't.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 12-Feb-17 17:14:26

Okay, thank you for being so direct. I have a close relative, with the same horrible disease. There are so many symptoms involved, including out of the blue, hospital stays, wired up. Depression plays a part in this. I truly understand how you are feeling, you wonder where that person has gone, indeed will they surface again.
Please try and get your DH, to see the GP, he and you, could benefit greatly.
By the way, I'm pretty sure he did think you looked fantastic, on your recent night out. Does he take steroids, they of course do change the mood of the patient. Hang on in there. 💐

HoldingBay Sun 12-Feb-17 18:14:11

RE: the counselling, he might be more interested when you tell him just how badly this is affecting you, and that the marriage is at stake. Chances are he doesn't realise how close to the edge you are.

I agree with Sugarpie in that the best thing would be to urge him to see his GP.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you manage to work through it.

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