Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Tell him I loved him or leave it?

(26 Posts)
JillBulb Sun 12-Feb-17 09:27:57

About 15 years ago I was in a relationship. I was in love, but I didn't think we would work out as I was older than him and wanted children. He told me that he loved me, but I didn't say it back. I ended it, we both moved on and had families. We kept in loose, friendly contact. Recently his relationship ended, and he started wanting more. I told him not to contact me again. It's playing on my mind - that I didn't tell him that I loved him years ago. Should I send him one final message - to tell him that I did? Or is it better that he never knows.

anyoldname76 Sun 12-Feb-17 09:30:07

unless your single i wouldnt bother, why drag up something from 15 years ago

SomethingSimple Sun 12-Feb-17 10:00:43

Do you have feelings for him still?

JillBulb Sun 12-Feb-17 10:06:50

I do and I think I always will. But I want to finalise it all in my head and not think about it anymore.

SomethingSimple Sun 12-Feb-17 10:10:56

You may always think about it. Some relationships stay with you no matter how you move on, or how much life changes. Are you in a relationship?

If you tell him there may be more unpacking to do. It invites further questions, perhaps reignite hope in him.

If you don't tell him will you regret it?

SomethingSimple Sun 12-Feb-17 10:12:24

I think telling him doesn't necessarily bring closure. It may feel like that for you right now because this is the one thing you've not told him...but telling someone you loved them may open things up.

JillBulb Sun 12-Feb-17 10:15:31

I accept that this may always stay with me. I regret not telling him, and I think I will always regret not telling him if I don't. I am in a relationship.

JillBulb Sun 12-Feb-17 10:16:41

I don't think it will reignite anything. I've made my position clear.

TheNaze73 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:42:51

Whatever you do, don't send the message. He'll more than likely ignore it anyway & you'll feel worse

tribpot Sun 12-Feb-17 10:46:17

So this is a guy who's wanting to restart a relationship with you, even though you are already in a relationship (which presumably he knows). And you've told him to leave you alone.

But you think now is the right time to tell him that you did love him when you were together fifteen years ago? Can you not see that is playing with fire?

Leave well enough alone.

JillBulb Sun 12-Feb-17 10:58:32

I am happy if he ignores it. It's more because I want closure.

HmmOkay Sun 12-Feb-17 11:12:50

It is closed. It was 15 years ago and you are with someone else now.

If you tell him, one of two things will happen:

1. He ignores it and doesn't contact you again
2. He sees it as a come on and thinks great Jill wants a shag on the side

Neither outcome is desirable. Does your new partner know that you are in contact with someone who wants 'more' from you? And that you are thinking that you want to tell this person that you did love him back in the day?

How would you feel if your new partner wanted to tell an ex that he loved her 15 years ago?

The fact that you are even giving this failed relationship of 15 years ago any headspace at all is worrying. I am guessing that there are problems in your new relationship which is making you wonder how things might have been with this other man. But you know how things might have been. He said he didn't want children, you broke up and he went on to have a family with someone else. The end.

It really does sound like you are looking for an exit affair.

If your current relationship is faltering then you need to address that by working on it or ending it.

SoleBizzz Sun 12-Feb-17 11:20:54

The relationship with your ex didn't go anywhere. You still feel excited by what could have been. It's this you are still feeling You must hAve had a good connection and time together. Make sure you tell your new partner you love him if you do so no more regrets.
Don't tell him. It will do no good as you say y don't want him.

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 12-Feb-17 11:22:34

But he won't ignore it. He'll see it as a very clear sign that you want to be with him.

Examine your motives. Do you think you might be enjoying this bit of drama in your life and want it to continue? Because I can't see any other reason why you'd want to declare that you used to love him. It's pointless information now! If you want 'closure' write him a letter, and then burn it. But don't put your issues on him.

SoleBizzz Sun 12-Feb-17 11:22:50

Do you feel as if you lied to him by not telling him? You feel guilty? Was he hurt by you not telling him at the time?

JillBulb Sun 12-Feb-17 11:25:43

Yes to all 3 solebizzz

sonjadog Sun 12-Feb-17 11:29:40

Don't tell him unless you are interested in being in a relationship with him. Otherwise, what's the point? He's not going to thank you for it now. Either he will ignore it (which would be best for him) or you will raise old hurt feelings and hopes that you have no intention of dealing with. Telling him is really all about you, think of him as well.

debbs77 Sun 12-Feb-17 11:32:32

This will not give you closure. At all! I think you WANT him to want you now and bring some fire into your life

f83mx Sun 12-Feb-17 11:47:47

Erm don't tell him - how would this look to your current partner if he read the messages or whatever - just looks odd and very much like you're trying to reignite something.

SoleBizzz Sun 12-Feb-17 15:43:44

debbs I agree. You miss the fire and excitement of him OP.

LosingDory Sun 12-Feb-17 15:51:51

Well the only reason to tell him now would be to fuck with his head...nothing to be gained at all except for your own selfish reasons. Leave him alone imo

LesisMiserable Sun 12-Feb-17 15:53:46

If you loved each other that much you'd have been together, in a nutshell. He's bored and sniffing around, that's all. Just because his relationship has ended doesn't mean you have to sabotage yours by going down memory lane for 'closure' . You'll regret it.

JustSpeakSense Sun 12-Feb-17 15:58:35

Telling your ex this so that you can have closure is unfair on your DP and also unfair and unsettling for your Ex, especially now that you are in a relationship.

I think it is a selfish act.

picklemepopcorn Sun 12-Feb-17 16:13:07

No! Not fair on him, you buy your closure at his expense. He ends up all unresolved instead!

Cricrichan Sun 12-Feb-17 16:17:58

Bloody hell! You didn't love him 15 years ago otherwise you wouldn't have split up with him.

You don't love him now but you do love that by telling him that you loved him, it may make him even more interested in you and give your ego or your boring life a boost. Jeez.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: