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DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

(254 Posts)
Turntheheatingdown Sun 12-Feb-17 06:39:59

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

SharkBastard Sun 12-Feb-17 06:43:00

Leave your DP, he honestly sounds horrendous to be around

What does he actually bring to your life other than misery and drama?

7SunshineSeven7 Sun 12-Feb-17 06:43:50

I am surprise she said he could come at all - if it was me he wouldn't be. He not only tried to break up the wedding but I can see she might feel it may not work out between you two and not want him in the wedding pictures just incase (I hope that doesn't sound harsh Op).

I think you need to have a serious think if he is threatening what he is just to get out of saying sorry and having an affair. Do you want to be with someone who behaves that way?

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone Sun 12-Feb-17 06:44:16

He tried to ruin her life and he thinks he should go?
Like fuck should he!

He sounds like a cunt, run

RueDeDay Sun 12-Feb-17 06:44:51

Leave him. He sounds like a tosser.

RNBrie Sun 12-Feb-17 06:45:51

What your dh did to your sister is pretty unforgivable. What he did to YOU is pretty unforgivable. I am not surprised your family is disappointed that you got back together.

I suspect he'll "make a scene" one way or another anyway. So go without him, hire someone to watch out for him and not let him in on the day. Then ask yourself if you really want to have a relationship with someone so incredibly toxic.

Pipsqueak11 Sun 12-Feb-17 06:46:34

Ugh!! Your dp sounds awful -sorry.that is spiteful and petty and the sort of behaviour that leads to life long family rifts. your sister has been.amazingly kind in the circumstance s to extend the invitation to him. I can not believe his bullying threat to ruin her day .are you sure you want to be back with him?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 12-Feb-17 06:47:32

You sound reasonable
Your Sister sounds reasonable
Your DP needs a kick up the arse. If he seriously wants to repair your relationship, he's going the wrong way about it

Notagain2017 Sun 12-Feb-17 06:48:03

Dump him well before the wedding.

mrsnoon Sun 12-Feb-17 06:48:48

He has an affair, your sister jumps to defend you, he tries to break up her relationship too then threatens to ruin her wedding DESPITE her offering to let him come because his over-sized ego (which no doubt got him into this position in the first place) refuses to apologise to her.

And you're wondering what to do - LTB.

GTS Sun 12-Feb-17 06:50:34

I think this is a problem much larger than the wedding.

Do you really want to be with someone who would behave so obstructively? After all, it was his affair that caused all the problems in the first place. He should be trying his best to get your family back onside for your sake. He has absolutely no right to feel unjustly snubbed, my family would be the same and there is no way my sister would want him at her wedding to be fair.
He is threatening to end your relationship over it....let him, and walk away.

Turntheheatingdown Sun 12-Feb-17 06:51:20

I thought I was sure but this had made me re think everything. This just shows he isnt sorry about anything and has no idea what effect his affair had on so many people and how it has influenced so many areas of my life. Ive lost friends over it.

He has fallen out with his close school friends over the affair.

When we argue he comes out with comments to try to justify the affair as we were having problems at the time. I never accept those comments, we argue, he apologises and we move forward.

I'm sick of going round in circles and him making my life harder than it needs to be.

Chinnygirl Sun 12-Feb-17 06:53:33

Your DP sounds like a very aggressive nasty person. He is even dragging your son into this. Stop this please.

And for threatening to leave if he doesn't get his way? That is controlling.

Either LTB or get relationship counseling.

biscuiteer Sun 12-Feb-17 06:55:24

He is threatening you with breaking up over an apology to your sister (she deserves) for being completely out of order and yet you forgave him and took him back after he was having an affair for nearly a year. I would be giving him the ultimatums at this point.
The only right thing to do is that he apologises to your sister for the cruel, venomous call to fiancé. What a nasty piece of work.
Your sister was very gracious to invite him to her wedding after he pulled a stunt like that. He sounds like a grade A shit.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Sun 12-Feb-17 06:56:15

What your dp did to your sister is actually quite psychotic. He tried to ruin her impending marriage just because she called him out on the fact he had ruined his own?

He's not a nice man at all and his affair was not a one time error of judgement. He's just a horrible person.

Turntheheatingdown Sun 12-Feb-17 06:58:58

He is now furious on 2 counts.

1- he wasnt invited to the wedding (although I have now explained that I had not told my family we were back together)

2- that I lied and didnt tell my family we were back together.

He is messaging me about access arrangements for DS and selling the house.

He has called me a c****, told me I'm repulsive and disgusting, that the OW was better than me. I'm so hurt.

LavenderDoll Sun 12-Feb-17 06:59:25

Awful behaviour from your partner ...I think you should run for the hills and leave him sad

Fairylea Sun 12-Feb-17 07:00:11

shock He sounds absolutely horrendous.

mrsnoon Sun 12-Feb-17 07:01:08

"When we argue, he comes out with comments to try justify the affair. We argue, he apologises and we move forward".
"I'm sick of going round in circles".

Doesn't sound like you're moving forward, especially if he has tried to justify the affair more than once. You've lost friends over this - just say that back to yourself. You've lost friends because your "D"H decided to have a 10 month affair with someone. And now he's openly planning to do something to drive your family away too. Doesn't sound like he's sorry, sounds like he's fed up of you bringing it up and (rightly) making him the bad guy.

If he was really sorry he would apologise unreservedly to your sister.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Sun 12-Feb-17 07:01:28

I don't know what to do

Seriously? Because from here it looks pretty clear.

If a friend were telling you this story, what would you advise her? What does the behaviour of your sister and partner tell you about each of their characters here?

KERALA1 Sun 12-Feb-17 07:01:31

Why are you bringing this horrible person into the orbit of your lovely sounding family?

User446 Sun 12-Feb-17 07:01:32

So he is invited to the wedding? He just won't go because he's too stubborn to apologise? Honestly he sounds horrible, and it doesn't sound like he has taken responsibility for what he did to you or your sister. I would be less worried about what you do about the wedding situation and more worried about having him in your life at all.

biscuiteer Sun 12-Feb-17 07:02:11

And yes he sounds like a bully and trying to minimise affair and blame you shows he has no real sense of remorse.

Did he beg for forgiveness til you took him back? How did you get to position of trying again?

mrsnoon Sun 12-Feb-17 07:02:32

Cross posted with you.

LTB. The OW was better than you? She can have him then. What a cock.

cookiefiend Sun 12-Feb-17 07:02:36

He sounds very controlling. If he can't have his own way he will ruin everything for everyone else. Even if he does apologise to your sister he sounds like he would be the type to try and ruin her wedding.

I think you should run for the hills. He doesn't even sound sorry for his affair. If he is justifying it to you then he will no doubt do it again as soon as the circumstances are right.

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