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why do people want to get married

(164 Posts)
juswonderin Sun 12-Feb-17 01:43:10

Looks like most marriage are unhappy. What's the point of marriage? For kids? Why can't they be raised to be happy, healthy adults by single unmarried parents? Do you think when kids grow up (next 20-30 years), marriage will be as important in society as it is now?
I am just very fed up with my own problems and was wondering what's the point? I was a happy person once. Sorry for the rant.

Heratnumber7 Sun 12-Feb-17 01:52:41

Because they love each other and want to legalise their commitment to each other and demonstrate their love for each other in front of everyone they love.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Sun 12-Feb-17 01:58:13

No idea.

I've been married. Legally financially shackling yourself to another person is a really bad idea.

I was battling with him, his debts and the CSA for years after it all ended. Really messed me up. I still panic when I hear the letter box thinking it's another debt collector chasing 'us' for a debt that 'we' owe. And my credit rating is fucked.

Never again.

I love DP but I will never tie myself to him in that way. It leaves you too vulnerable. We have wills and stuff drawn up, though.

And I feel no need to 'demonstrate my love'. Who cares what other people think?

DementedUnicorn Sun 12-Feb-17 02:06:26

Very happily married here and child free by choice.

Marriage is important to me. To trust someone enough to tie yourself to them symbolically and legally is a massive thing and shows real commitment. Also the benefit of legal protections re nok, pensions upon death etc.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 12-Feb-17 02:16:47

Because they love each other and want to legalise their commitment to each other and demonstrate their love for each other in front of everyone they love.

^^ this, in a nutshell.

I've been married for 30 years to DH, we've raised two children, and we love each other dearly. We've had our rocky times and our good times. That's life. I think for anyone who intends to be a SAHP, marriage is mandatory. It offers you financial protection in case of divorce or death that you don't get from just living together. I know, there are exceptions to 'marriage as security' but as a general rule, it's true.

But I'll be honest, if I were to become single I would NEVER get married again. Marriage is work, even the best marriage.

UptownFlunk Sun 12-Feb-17 02:18:43

I say this as someone who has been very happily married for 20 years; in my opinion marriage protects women as they are often the ones that have to give up their careers to take care of children. Personally, I never wanted to have a child if I wasn't married and I made sure I didn't. My feeling was if a bloke didn't care enough to marry me then there was no way on earth I was bearing his children.

I love my husband and I love the fact that we are committed to each other in every way, including legally.

sonlypuppyfat Sun 12-Feb-17 02:19:12

Another happy married here, and so we're my parents you have never seen two people adore and worship each other as my mum and dad. Also my aunt and uncle were married for 64 years. There's no divorces in my family. Marriage does work, you just have to chose wisely first

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 12-Feb-17 02:21:08

Happily unmarried here. 18 years together and 3 kids and the cost of a wedding richer.

Where I live it's increasingly odd to find married people. Most parents I meet don't bother but we do live in a bit of a forward-thinking area. Where I used to live people were amazed we weren't married and didn't want to be.

If people like it and find it romantic or whatever then it's nice for them to do it and I'm happy for them.

I personally find it old fashioned, traditionally sexist and a monumental waste of cash. There's only so many times you can be enthusiastic about someone else's "forever" love when there are so many divorces after very short marriages. And really, seeing the misery of those planning a wedding turns me off the whole thing too!

It's funny though. PP said it was a nightmare being legally tied to someone like that, with a follow up about that meaning you put your faith and trust in them etc. Meanwhile most threads where someone complains their partner won't marry them are full of people saying you can't be financially protected in the future unless your partner is legally tied to you. Not much faith there. Makes me shudder.

Crervan Sun 12-Feb-17 02:24:51

I love my DP dearly and am more than content with our relationship, without having to go through the ritual of marriage. That said, we haven't, and are never are having children so don't need the legal side of it in that regard

We have lived together for 15 years, have joint mortgage but apart from that separate finances and more than happy with that.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 12-Feb-17 02:25:08

Maybe I should add though that I am a child of separated and miserable parents. As is DP. Maybe if we'd grown up seeing happy marriages we'd have a different opinion?

I don't think being married is what makes the relationship fail, as that's what the OP seems to be suggesting. It does make it a hell of a lot harder to get out of though if it is failing.

OP, do you want to talk about something?

sonlypuppyfat Sun 12-Feb-17 02:25:59

I think it's more protection if something happens to your partner, a widows pension isn't paid to girlfriends. My wedding took 2 weeks to plan and came in at less than £300

GimmeeMoore Sun 12-Feb-17 02:28:37

SmugMarrieds don't have exclusivity on commitent Or demonstrating love
Presumably people marry cause they want to.and some folk cohabit cause they want to
I have no issues with marriage,I do have issues that marriage is set up as the xenith in relationships

Crervan Sun 12-Feb-17 02:29:36

iwasjustabouttosaythat may I ask where you are where it's odd to find married people? I'm under increasing pressure from others to justify my lifestyle, just wondering where you are!

Kateallison16 Sun 12-Feb-17 02:33:38

(Childfree couple here)

Been together over 7 years, both very very happy but last week he bought me a ring. Im very excited to get married (elope to vegas) and the idea of being bonded to him further isnt scary in any way.

I love him. He loves me. We want to share names and be recognised as next of kin.

Paninotogo Sun 12-Feb-17 02:33:56

I wouldn't agree that most marriages are unhappy. I believe it is becoming outdated, however, and I think in the future we will be more like Scandinavian countries which afford more rights to cohabiting couples.

UptownFlunk Sun 12-Feb-17 02:46:36

I don't think marriage itself is becoming outdated at all, although the religious element is. The younger generations around me seem just as keen to marry. I do think lots of people fall into relationships and end up having children before getting married without really planning or thinking about it though. This then leads to them never getting married as the blokes are basically better off not being married and once women have children they are less likely to leave.

Personally, I don't see why more rights should be given to cohabitees though - if you want legal protection just get married.

Crervan Sun 12-Feb-17 03:01:10

uptownFlunk, you say 'just get married' like it's an easy option to do, I personally don't want the legal ties of marriage just so I can live with my DP. I'm not religious, and don't see the 'romantic' side of it at all

Pallisers Sun 12-Feb-17 03:19:40

I wouldn't agree that most marriages are unhappy. I believe it is becoming outdated, however, and I think in the future we will be more like Scandinavian countries which afford more rights to cohabiting couples.

But if you give more rights to cohabiting couples, isn't it the same as marriage - just you "get married" by cohabiting for a certain length of time rather than going down the registry office. The concept - certain rights and responsibilities arise because of certain actions - is the same.

I thought the OP was asking a deeper question of what is the whole point of trying to couple yourself to another person when it is likely to end in tears? I think that is an interesting question.

Marriage was pretty much devised as an economic tool - with the added benefit of regulating sexual conduct and making it more likely that men would rear children who were actually their own. Religions got on board especially with regard to the sexual conduct stuff.

But when it works well it can be a really great way to live and have children. I am married and there is no doubt that my husband and I as a team are wealthier and better able to rear our children - and support our families and all sorts of other things - than if we were single. We are basically pooling 2 sets of resources into one pot and that makes life a lot easier. But we like each other, love each other, and are happy to be each other's sexual partner. If we weren't then the benefits of the shared pot would be worth nothing.

I often think how awful it must be in an unhappy marriage where your home - your personal space - isn't even where you are happy.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 12-Feb-17 04:20:21

Crervan, of course I don't want to say where I actually live but I'm in a particularly boho suburb of a big city.

In my (limited) experience I find the smaller the town is, the more people are into getting married.

It is odd how upset some people get when you say you're not interested in getting married. I still have no explanation for them that won't make the situation worse so I just say we're happy as we are. They still stare with their eyes... shock

SillySongsWithLarry Sun 12-Feb-17 07:25:13

I don't understand why people don't get married. I know a few older people now who are not married but have been together for a very long time. Surely they would want the security and protection that marriage brings. Just do a search and there are so many threads where DP had an affair with a younger model after decades and without the bit of paper the OP is shafted and left with nothing while he leaves with all the house, savings etc.

sandgrown Sun 12-Feb-17 07:34:18

I was married. Ex had an affair and managed to take all.our money from the bank ( joint account) Refused to pay maintenance. I financially supported our children. Have been with DP years but no desire to marry ever again and definitely no joint finances.

Olddear Sun 12-Feb-17 07:39:31

Happily married. Child free. Each to their own in my opinion.

SorrelSoup Sun 12-Feb-17 07:39:35

I think it's foolish to build a life with someone and not be financially (legally) protected. In the event of illness, death, children, separation etc. both parties will be protected; nobody would be left with nothing. Also next of kin etc. Which knows what life is going to throw at us. Time get married round here is £40; hardly breaks the bank.

smilingsarahb Sun 12-Feb-17 07:41:19

I very romantically did it for the legal rights eg inheriting between each other with no tax, I trust him to turn off my life support at the right moment, pensions etc. I also felt that it offered more protection for me when we had children as although there are lots of women that careers aren't affected, there are more whose careers are affected by pregnancy, childbirth and being the default parent. Now I am married I was very surprised the 'status' marriage had in terms of saying you are married and people take it more seriously (don't try in on, or let you deal with a complaint on their behalf) I think it's quite right to go through a legal process to confer these rights, other people might be living together but still prefer their mum to be the life support decider for instance.

FatCatFaces Sun 12-Feb-17 07:43:08

I got married for various reasons but many of them were practical (visas etc). We met and live outside of our home coutries. We don't know where we might go in future. If one of us gets a job in yet another country then the other won't get a visa unless we are married.

Romantic reasons alone would have resulted in less urgency.

We can't get married in our current country so had no choice other than to spend money and make it a nice but private occasion.

I'm no happier married than unmarried. It's just a formality really and I don't see it as a reason to be smug.

If you are likely to be financially vulnerable, then it also makes sense.

What I can't stand is 10 year engagements. Either get on with it or don't bother.

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