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The Dating Thread, episode 113. Real life and online dating advice.

(1000 Posts)
Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 19:43:00

Open to all going through the horror that is dating as a parent. Jump in with questions and advice.

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.

InfoSec21 Sat 11-Feb-17 20:13:07

Phew, found it!

stubbornstains Sat 11-Feb-17 20:13:28

Well done bant. I have been scrolling up and down waiting for someone to start the new thread, a bit hesitant to do it myself, in case someone else started one simultaneously and things got confusing.

Damn, I really wanted to get message 1000 in the last thread! That'll learn me for disappearing off all night (and day) with Mr Anarchist and...........................HAVING SEX. gringringrin.

Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 20:30:58

Such a stealth boast grin

stubbornstains Sat 11-Feb-17 20:32:12

Subtlety is my middle name grin.

Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 20:40:18

Right, who's got dates lined up then?

Mrsfluff Sat 11-Feb-17 20:40:47

last, the date sounds like it went really well wink

Ooh stubborn, nicely done grin

Where's everyone, on dates? I've drunk wine and Malibu, so I'm very tipsy and loved up! Good luck for this thread everyone wink

stubbornstains Sat 11-Feb-17 20:45:49

I'm, er, waiting for Mr Anarchist to come over and spend the night again (well, I was at his last night). Maximising the child free time, y'see wink.

lastnicknamefree Sat 11-Feb-17 20:46:50

My date from last night CBG called me this evening and we have date 2 booked in for Wednesday. He's going to teach me how to play pool grin
Not very romantic but sounds fun to me!

Mangoandpassionfruit Sat 11-Feb-17 20:55:23

I've been lurking a while, please god what is it with disappearing? Have date lined up with Mr M tomorrow evening. Have had lovely 10 days chatting a lot, on phone, text etc. He seemed so keen, he was on count down til the date. He set it up, had quick chat this morning and 1 text and then zilch. I know the rules don't over invest, all bullshit etc but thought it was different this time. We both have lives, he's been the one texting more than me and been really keen, worrying if I'll like him. Now radio silence. You know when you know he's going to flake.....

hoolabaybee Sat 11-Feb-17 21:04:26

Mr security been same today mango n we have had three dates now. Keep wondering if he on a date 🤔

Mangoandpassionfruit Sat 11-Feb-17 21:08:08

I don't think I'm very good at it. I'm just really straight forward, like someone, chat, meet, see where it goes. If something happens and I go off the idea, I know it's a novel approach but I'm just honest. He even bloody asked me to be honest with him if I went off the idea. I give up 😬

Plentyoffishnets Sat 11-Feb-17 21:19:18

I have a second date on Monday. He is lovely but not sure is the spark for me. Am trying to put value in a solid dependable guy instead of my usual Mr unavailable but finding it hard to break from type and the lack of drama! Will see how it goes anyway.
Glad you're back in the game bant,we all need your advice!

RunnnyMummy Sat 11-Feb-17 21:39:21

My non date today was lovely. We did some shopping then had lunch. I asked him again if he was OK with us just being friends. He said yes but I don't he is really. I like him but I don't fancy him. Can't imagine MB with him.

Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 22:08:18

I feel like I should add an addition to The Rules.

Generally, men are pursuers. Hunters. We want to find someone who fancies us, who is interesting. We message them (and most women wait to be messaged) and sometimes, one will respond.

We talk to them, and want to get a second message. And a third. We put the effort in, we tell jokes, we try to be funny or interesting. It's a lot of work.

Less attractive men have to put in more effort, more attractive men put in less. And conversely, more attractive women can just sit there and wait for the messages to roll in, and weed through them and find the ones she wants to converse with. Men don't get that, unless they're Thor.

So, we send messages, and sometime we find someone who is either interesting or funny enough to want to meet. Or attractive enough that they don't have to be interesting or funny. (If they're into that).

And then we ask them on a date. 90% of the time it's the man who asks.

And then, after the hunt to get a response, and the continued hunt to get a date, the next thing is to get a kiss. Or a shag.

We're goal oriented. What do we do between getting a 'yes' and actually meeting you, when we don't have a goal?

Tell him a joke. Tell him someone told you this stupid joke. Men like jokes. Make him really really look forward to meeting you.

Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 22:14:25

Also, from the history on this thread, men who go quiet between asking and having a first date don't tend to be relationship material.

Someone's got to be interested in you, as a person, where the date is a means to an end, where the end is getting to know you better.

If the date is the means to the end of getting you into bed, well.. That's your call.

Mangoandpassionfruit Sat 11-Feb-17 22:17:27

In addition to the rules, seriously if he wants to meet, he'll meet me. I'm too old for games and hunter, gatherer, pursuer

stubbornstains Sat 11-Feb-17 22:23:56

Bloody hell bant, that post of yours leaves me feeling like I'm an antelope or something!

I'm ruminating (geddit?) on my own Amendment to the Rules.....

rememberthetime Sat 11-Feb-17 22:30:11

Bant - in 100% of cases (admittedly its a small number of dates) it has been me that has proposed the date...if I waited for them, I might be waiting forever!

If anyone was wondering Mr overseas did get back to me - he was putting his kids to bed. it was 46 degrees where he is today. Here, it snowed...

On Valentines Day i am off to a dinner with my friends (all of whom are single). its kind of an anti-valentines night out to show that we really don't give a damn about romance and all that malarkey.

Who are we kidding. I might not consider myself single...but I still can't have a night out with I am still allowed to go!

Anyone have any ideas about an interesting online way I can surprise Mr Overseas on Valentines day? Nothing too soppy....its still early days and i don't want to scare the bejesus out of him.

Pavonia Sat 11-Feb-17 22:31:03

So far my Tinder matches fall into four categories:
1. They message me but the conversation doesn't really go anywhere.
2. I message them and they don't reply.
3. I message them but the conversation dies.
4. Neither of us messages.

Should I conclude I'm unattractive and boring? Perhaps I'm being too impatient.

Why do men match and then not message? You could ask why I don't message every match. I might do, but I would also like to see them make some effort too. So far I've initiated messaging with one as a result of something of interest in his profile and another simply because he's lovely looking (maybe he swiped right on me by mistake). I wish people would unmatch if they are not interested.

How do I tell if a chap is genuinely looking to date or just passing the time?


Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 22:44:25

Pavonia, I've got a dozen or so matches on tinder, and men can't multitask. So we message one, and if she's funny we find it difficult to keep many irons going.

Some people can keep many irons going. Men find it trickier, I think

I can't do more than two or three conversations at a time.

So the other 11 tinder matches will have to wait until I'm done with the ones I'm talking to. Plus the people I'm talking to in real life. Plus other friends.

Matching someone on tinder doesn't make you a priority in their life.

And of course some people just want validation.

Why does the conversation die?

InfoSec21 Sat 11-Feb-17 23:04:08

The conversation dies when someone better comes along. I'd say that covers most situations.

Pavonia Sat 11-Feb-17 23:05:15

Bant, interesting perspective.

Regarding why the conversation dies. One of them would just answer me (without really saying much) and then not ask me anything. He cam back to me today with "how's your day going", I asked him to tell me about himself and he disappeared. Another one was similar but with more to say, never asked me anything! One from yesterday seemed ok but after we exchanged info on the the area of London we live in he didn't reply again. Not too far apart so it wasn't that.

One from this morning has just come back to me and appears to understand how a conversation works! So perhaps he was just busy before.

I wouldn't want to be talking to loads of people so I see what you are saying there. But I am serious about actually identifying people I would be interested in meeting and I don't think it should take long to do that.

Its a funny business!

Welshmaenad Sat 11-Feb-17 23:05:24

Bant it seems appropriate that our resident Dari g God has started the new thread!

I have had friends round for dinner tonight and need some serious restraining from whatsapping Mrld to tell him that I'm actually full on in love with him. I feel like that needs to come from him first grin

Plentyoffishnets Sat 11-Feb-17 23:05:29

Pavonia,am finding similar on tinder. Either few messages back and forth then it dies. And another I've been chatting to for 2 weeks now and quite in depth messages, but no mention of meeting to date.
I think I need to work on my messaging technique - any tips? I do try and keep it light and chatty but hard to get beyond the how's your weekend messages, esp when am always home with the kids so nothing very exciting going on!

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