Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Have I been a complete idiot regarding this guy?(36 Posts)
I'm writing this as much to get it off my chest as anything as I'm on my own with no one to talk to!
This is a long one I'm afraid. About five years ago I went on a date with a guy that I met through online dating after having chatted with him online for a while. We had a great time, the conversation flowed, our sense of humour was on the same level, the chemistry was definitely there and we spent the latter part of the evening kissing. However I then never heard from him again.
I'd recently come out of a relationship where I'd never known where I stood, and was determined to only embark on something if the man made it clear he was interested, so I didn't contact him back either, shrugged my shoulders and got on with my life.
A few months later I met now ex dp and was with him for about three years.
Last April the guy I went on the date with found me through WhatsApp and contacted me again. We chatted fairly frequently over the ensuing few months, not in a flirty way, just in a friendly way. We gradually built up quite a close friendship. I asked him why he had never contacted me after our first date and he had got it into his head that I was going to judge him on the flat he was living in at the time, he'd just moved in and didn't have any furniture and for some reason he thought that would mean that I wasn't interested. Obviously I would never judge someone in that way! And he pointed out that I hadn't contacted him either.
Anyway round about Christmas time, it's hard to explain exactly but we started getting closer. We still weren't flirting as such it's just that the frequency of our communication increased and things just got closer between us. I started wondering about whether there might be potential for more than friendship. (Neither of us was seeing anyone the whole time we were chatting by the way) At this point it's probably worth mentioning, because it might be relevant, that he has been suffering with some kind of autoimmune skin condition which has really affected him psychologically and he has body dysmorphia. Certainly looking at his pictures, I can't see anything wrong with his skin but in his mind he looks hideous. He definitely doesn't in my eyes.
We arranged to see each other last week and he came over to mine. We had dinner and watched a film and got on just as well as we ever had done. There was no awkwardness at all and it definitely felt right to kiss again, quite a lot. He had to leave to go to London for a hospital appointment but was coming back the next day and said that he'd stop by mine on the way back to his (he lives about an hour away from me so this meant quite a detour to mine which I took as a sign he really wanted to see me) as promised, he came back, we had dinner again and lots of kisses and cuddles - I feel as though it's relevant to say that we were cuddled up and he was stroking my hair and stroking my arm so this very much felt more intimate than just 'let's have a snog because we fancy each other' iyswim... I suppose I'm trying to get across that this felt very affectionate and intimate and close.
I asked him when he was going to come and see me again and he said Sunday (i.e. tomorrow) I have to admit I've been feeling really happy and hopeful and excited... I really like him and really fancy him and feel as though we've got to know each other really well at this stage and that there's a lot of potential there.
However today I got a short WhatsApp message saying sorry, I can't make it tomorrow after all and a sad face. I replied straight away saying how come? But he'd already gone off-line at that point. I felt quite upset because I feel as though he could have explained in his initial message why he couldn't make it, or stayed online so that we could talk about it. Instead of just disappearing straight away. An hour later I tried to call him but he didn't answer ( we phone each other quite a lot so this isn't a particularly big deal) I haven't heard from him since, this was about five hours ago. I feel really upset. I feel like I've been massively stupid to get my hopes up because surely all of this is an indicator that he is not interested? I have been patient with him because I knew that he was psychologically affected by his appearance and so on one hand I didn't want to rush him but on the other hand I also felt like I had to take the lead a little bit due to his lack of confidence, but I felt like I was achieving a good balance between those two things. And now this. I just feel really really stupid and a little bit heartbroken as well because I suppose I got my hopes up quite a lot. It's just that all the indicators seemedue to his lack of confidence, but I felt like I was achieving a good balance between those two things. And now he's treating me as though I don't matter. I just feel really really stupid and a little bit heartbroken as I had allowed myself to get my hopes up. It's just that all the signs seemed good. Should I just leave it now completely do you think? Really wish I didn't feel so ridiculously sad about this! Have I been a complete idiot?!
No you haven't been an idiot you just over invested. You never know what's going on with people in life but he's been a bit off cancelling like that. Best to leave contacting him now though really.
It's really hard when you're on your own and you come to rely on that attention and affection. I'd wait a few days at least and chances are he will contact you. But it doesn't really sound like he's putting in enough effort here? Best not to invest in it any more until and unless he is doing so too.
He could at least tell you why tomorrow's date is off. It's unkind and disrespectful of him just to message you and that's it. I wouldn't contact him again - he'll know you've tried to call him, so leave it at that. Maybe he's just a bit flaky and is panicking at the thought of anything serious developing between you. You definitely haven't been an idiot, he's been giving you all the right signals that he fancies you, wants to spend time with you. Perhaps it'll be 3rd time lucky with this man, or perhaps it's time to move on from him now.
Thank you, yes the thing I'm finding hurtful is the way he's cancelled with no explanation. It's hard to convey in my OP but we had become really close, speaking on the phone most days and he knows I'm going through a very stressful time at the moment so why he would treat me like that I just don't know. I will leave it now (I do have my pride) but am just a bit surprised at how upset I am. I've been a bit unlucky with men and this seems like another no-go. Oh well!
Putting your situation in very simple terms - you met up, kissed and then he ignored you. Then later you met up, kissed and then he ignored you.
I know he's made a million 'promises' in between but please don't let him do it again. He clearly can't be trusted.
It sounds like he has some confidence/intimacy/trust issues but these are not yours to diagnose or fix.
He's had his second chance. Please don't give him a third.
Bumblebee, yes, you're right. Why can't people be more straightforward with others though? It's so unnecessary to behave like that! I wouldn't do it. I'm not going to give him the opportunity to do this again though. Also, it's not as though I'm desperate! I've actually turned down a few people lately and I'm not terrible-looking or socially inept or anything! I just really liked him
This guy has issues that have outweigh how much he likes you, unfortunately. I would only progress if you want to expect more of the same. Sounds like he's not in a position to commit to starting something special with you. It seems like you would be nursing him emotionally through any future relationship.
He definitely owes you more than "sorry can't make it". I e or the hell eventyally say he was having a bad day with his body issues or you are too good for him etc (he genuinely might feel like that, but you need to figure how many loops of the rollercoaster you can take.
Teeth, I think you're right and there might have been a bit of allure to the idea of being the one to help him recover from the problems he's had... maybe not healthy. Still feel sad though, we connected so well and really 'got' each other. I don't like (to that extent) many people so it always feels sad that on the rare occasion I do meet someone I feel like I really connect with, they are invariably unavailable for some reason!
OP I'm really sorry you feel like shit and can understand why but I totally agree with TeethDrama. Don't try and save someone, it never works out, all that happens is you lower your expectations, allow far too much of being treated like shit due to his 'issues' make excuses for his bad treatment of you and it'll never be good enough anyway. Before you know it all his problems will be YOUR fault somehow.
Right, I'm going to try and be devils advocate here;
He has a condition that affects his life and controls his life in every way. There is probably a huge amount of depression involved and when he has an attack he doesn't want to discuss it with it as he thinks you will be revolted by it. He believes that if he just says " sorry, can't make it" , that you will leave it there.
I don't, for one minute, think that you should put up with this, I am just trying to give you an explanation and make you see that it is nothing you have done or that he just is being horrible to you. You barely know him and maybe he is just not comfortable yet confiding in you completely.
You have got to put the brakes on your feelings with this guy. If he has psychological issues with his appearance then he may be struggling with the idea of you seeing him undressed...since your physical contact is escalating and there is an assumption that you may end up in bed soon. The other explanation is that you are not the only one, and that would explain his disappearing-reappearing act. Whatever the reason, just be careful not to leave yourself open to heart-ache. You don't know this guy very well and he hasn't let you see his home (which may mean he doesn't live alone?). Take Care.
No you haven't been an idiot at all, I do think you're right to leave it with him & see if he contacts you.
Secretlife0fbees I agree trying to save someone is never a good idea
Buzzard I think there's a lot of truth in what you said. I know he struggles with self loathing and he has made comments along the lines of he doesn't want to see me because of his appearance in the past. I just thought because the couple of times we've seen each other recently it was very clear i found him attractive that this wouldn't therefore continue to be a problem for him. But maybe it is. I'm not sure I can deal with the stress of never knowing where I stand with him depending on how much he is struggling with his condition though.
scooby I did think that possibly he was worried about things going further physically, because he wouldn't let me see his arms, but I feel so sad if that's the reason that we are not going to go anywhere. I do feel like we know each other pretty well though, even though we haven't been physically together very much we have spoken on the phone nearly every day I messaged several times a day for nearly a year now.
When he contacts me, which I think he will do at some point, what should I say? I am struggling between being quite firm and saying something like its not okay to treat me like that or just kind of letting it go. Not really sure of the best way to proceed now. I'm definitely going to put the brakes on my feelings, but not sure if I should just call the whole thing off really even as friends
Sorry that should have said 'and messaged for nearly a year', the messaging has equally come from him as it has from me
I think you are going have to say to him that he is going to have to take a leap of faith with you. He needs you to be able to see him in his entirety and if you are repulsed then at least he knows where he stands with you. If he doesn't give you a chance then he will never know whether someone could love him properly.
This might take him a long time to mull over and you need to be prepared for the fact that he might not want to risk the rejection.
Buzzard because we've not actually had a conversation about the fact that we've kissed or anything progressing, I think I'm just going to be brave and tell him exactly how I feel. Just be really honest and not try to save face because I feel like at this point I don't really have anything to lose. I really like him and if once I've told him how I feel about him he chooses not to go for it then at least I've tried. I think if he turns me down I'm not going to feel much worse than I do now so as I said there's not much to lose.
Oui, but you only connected with one side of him - and your happiness will be based on when that side is out and not when it's not. You will find yourself on the back foot and wondering what's happening a lot I think. Not saying it has no point in continuing but often people who aren't ready for a commitment, even when it start casually, are not likely going to morph into someone you can rely on anytime soon.
I can see the romantism of connecting after all these years etc, but it didn't work then (why not?) and it's going the same way this time too. Sadly. I would proceed with caution...
Sorry I know I'm contradicting myself a lot, saying that I won't contact him, I'll put the brakes on my feelings and actually now I'm just going to lay my heart bare! But I just feel like if this fizzles out without him ever really knowing how I feel about him then I would always be wondering 'what if'
I think you're a bit of a fool to continue with this one really - he's dropped you twice now. How many more times does he have to do it for you to move on from him?
X posts 🙂 I would wait a day or two for him to contact you. If he hasn't by say Tuesday, I would contact him by phone. Don't write a message with anything deep in it, you really need to have z spoken conversation as you can judge more than from a possibly carefully constructed written response.
When you speak to him, id be pleasant etc but say neutrally "so what did you do on Sunday?" See what he says. If he avoids the obvious, I'd bring it up. Nothing to lose by saying "I was disappointed not to see you Sunday, why couldn't you come?"
I'd ask by all means, but listen carefully to the answers he gives you. Oh and if he says "I'm not good enough for you - you should find someone else" I would take heed of that and move on. He is probably correct and is giving you the heads-up. Don't do the opposite and say "of course you are, it's me who's not good enough for you, blah blah"... maybe something nice like don't put yourself down, but anything that sounds like a warning rather then a nice invitation - listen & heed!
Thanks Teeth - I've got a lot to consider and won't rush into contacting him but I'm the type of person that would rather have the harsh truth than be wondering so if he doesn't contact me then I probably will contact him and have an honest discussion about stuff
cuddlymunchkin I get where you're coming from, but I honestly don't think the situation is as black-and-white as that
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.