Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Struggling - sex life after baby(33 Posts)
NC as DH knows my username - 6+ years member.
We have a ds who is 7m. I am breastfeeding and on the pill, we are awaiting all clear from vascectomy carried out last month. We have had sex 4 times since ds was born. DH wants more, alot more. I'm not bothered. He feels that I don't find him attractive, or don't enjoy sex. That's not the case, it just doesn't enter my mind. I don't notice when it's been a while but he does. He could practically tell you how many days/weeks it has been.
It's all come to a head today because I fell asleep last night when putting ds to bed.
He basically spent an hour ranting at me and I have no solutions. He thinks there is something wrong, possibly psychologically with me and wants me to go to the drs. I otoh think what we're going through/how I feel is on the normal side - maybe not normal to all but it's not completely unheard of iykwim? We went through this with another child too but he seems to have forgotten this! It did eventually get better once I stopped bf but dc was older than ds is now and I don't feel ready to stop.
I'm going to go to drs anyway so that he sees I am trying but I can't just flick a switch and want to have sex all the time, it's going to take time again to work up to a better frequency.
Has anyone else gone through this or similar and come out the other side? I love him so much but I can see that it is becoming a serious issue for him. It's easy to say oh just have sex more but it's not that simple for me.
I think it's totally normal to have bugger all sex drive when 7 months post baby and BF. 7 months is nothing really, the baby is still very small and dependent and a lack of interest in sex is very normal, especially if you EBF (so baby still feeding frequently), have lots of night waking or had a tough birth to recover from (I'm not saying any of those factors have to be present for not wanting sex to be completely normal- just that they don't help!)
Personally, I found with DS1 that I had virtually no interest in sex until my periods came back (8 months). That kind of made sense to me- as though my body knew the chances of getting pregnant were non existent and my libido responded accordingly! I also found that when we did have sex in that time, it wasn't very comfortable- which obviously wasn't much of an aphrodisiac. DS2 is 9 months and I'm a little bit more interested in sex this time around (despite no periods and still BF) but the birth was much less difficult. DH has been completely understanding. He'd like more sex than we're having but he's completely understanding that there are lots of reasons why I'm not very interested.
Of course everyone is different and some women want to dive back into an active sex life quickly- and that's great. But from the people i know I'd say you're very normal and frankly your DH needs to try and be a bit more understanding about how much of an upheaval to your body (and mind) it is to be pregnant, give birth and have a young baby. Out of interest, how much of the burden of baby care (inc sleep deprivation) is falling on your DH?
He thinks there is something psychologically wrong with you for not wanting sex all the time after having a baby?
There are a lot of hormones at play and breastfeeding alters your fertility, and generally that affects your sex drive. In my opinion your sex drive is probably low because of him making it an issue and putting pressure on, I wouldn't find that particularly sexy.
Your feelings are completely, completely normal! How dare he tell you that there is something wrong with you!!
He sounds awful, tbh.
Actually OP, if I were you I think I'd be tempted to book an appointment with a female GP who has children and insist your DH accompany you. Hopefully he'll leave with his tail between his legs!
I agree, take him with you to a female gp. What a cockend
I physically couldn't have sex while I was BF. Tmi but I just couldn't get aroused, couldn't get wet and was completely just 'closed'. DH and I just took it to mean that it was natures way of protecting me against another pregnancy, yours is being horrible
I'm another one who had no interest in sex while bf-ing.
It's only natural really isn't it? To protect the survival chances of the baby.
I don't think ranting at someone, let alone someone who is breastfeeding a young baby, is going to be much of a turn on! He is being totally selfish. I agree with the others who say make him go with you to the doctors appointment.
Bf plays havoc with you hormonally... I still wanted too but was a lot trickier to get turned on, often didn't orgasm, and everything was very dry. Totally back to normal when I stop feeding. Happened three times now. Physiologically totally normal and nothing can change it really, so he will just have to wait. A decent GP will prob be pretty happy to explain it to him if it helps... I do some teaching at antenatal classes and always mention that this can happen...
Well he's being a total prat about this. He needs to remember love and sex are separate but connected parts of your relationship. The more he tells you there's something wrong with you, the less loved you will feel, the less sex there will be.
I think the advice to visit a female GP is good. Failing that I suspect a much married male GP with kids is likely to be as useful in telling him to get a grip.
I had zero libido while I was lactating. I don't think that unusual. Tell him to have a wank.
You poor thing. Your not so DH is a twunt of the highest order, I can't tell you how angry I feel on your behalf.
How you feel is perfectly normal and it's completely out of order expecting you to go to the fucking doctors. Don't go, is my advice. Why should you? There's nothing wrong with you.
Tell him to lock himself in the bathroom and have a wank. Tell him to shape up as a loving and understanding husband.
I can't believe how he's treating you, please accept a virtual hug from me.
Oh and show him this thread.
I think your hormones change when you're breastfeeding. At leAst that's what it felt like for me, and then there's the tiredness. All add up to not feeling like makin' lurve. Sometimes though I found if I gave it a go, I got into it and enjoyed it. Then after a while things get back to normal, although still not v frequent! Feel more keen if husband steps up and cooks dinner/sorts washing/puts children to bed. That is what gets me in the mood these days!
Wow. I'm sure your DH is usually lovely, but he has some serious apologising to do.
Honestly, I didn't feel like having sex for a good 6-12 months after birth, and my DH was helping by doing some night feeds (mixed bf and ff). Do not ever feel guilty for feeling like you want sex. Your body is pretty much an on-demand baby food maker, and your exhaustion levels on their own would put anyone off sex.
I'd be tempted to wake him up every time you need to do a night feed so that he gets an idea what the interrupted sleep alone is like (yes, I know, I can be petty)
I love the idea of taking him to the GP with you, so if you go for that please give an update with all the juicy details!
Don't take him to the doctor with you! FFS, I wouldn't go at all. Why? Because there is nothing wrong with you! He is gaslighting you.
I wouldn't be happy with 4 times in 7 months, but we don't have little kids around (grown up). Thing is, he isn't the one whose body has gone though major change, he's not lactating and I bet his sleep is not disturbed anywhere near as much as yours. I think with a 7m old baby, that you sound totally normal! I would expect sex to be infrequent for quite some time to come, actually. I have no idea what the answer is!
Thank you all - you've made me feel like I'm not a terrible wife! He has a very high sex drive, I know he wants but I don't know if he knows I know. He says I am a prude as I don't like to talk about sex stuff but it's just how I was brought up I suppose.
You're right about the talking about it. When he brings it up I get this feeling like I have a rock in my belly and it makes me tense up, and I'm definately not in the mood then! We cosleep so sex is not in our bed which brings it's own challenges, plus baby wakes lots in the night so I am very tired. He tells me to sleep in the day but not always possible - can't go back to bed once I've done the school run as I'm too wired and that's when I do dishes/washing etc.
He entertains ds, cuddles him and plays etc but doesn't get up in the night with him (usually just wants boob). He does make dinner on occasion and do dishes sometimes too, from my point of view I am happy apart from knowing the sex thing is making him unhappy iykwim?
'I know he wants but I don't know if he knows I know. He says I am a prude as I don't like to talk about sex stuff but it's just how I was brought up I suppose. '
He calls you a prude? How fucking disrespectful. He sees his need for a sex as a real priority that you need to fill, hence 'sleep during the day' (so you'll be able to service my dick when I need it). He gaslights you, telling you to go see a doctor because 'something is wrong with you' since you won't serve as his personal wanksock.
I meant wank not want in my post but I think you got that expat. He said I was repressed?
'He said I was repressed?'
More gaslighting bollocks.
Is he for real? I wouldn't waste a GP appointment on this but would send him instead as he clearly needs his head seeing too. Demanding you see the GP and moaning about lack of sex would not get me in the mood, it adds pressure on you to service him.
Tell him you find nothing sexier than him pulling his weight around the house, getting up with the baby and cooking you meals. If he stops moaning about being horny and starts caring for you then you might be in the mood.
I know a lot of people have said that it could be due to you breastfeeding, but could it be your pill? I've only just gone back on the pill after DS and I have seen a noticeable decrease in my libido. Before that, I wanted sex all the time. Now, we haven't had sex for about 2-3 weeks. This is partly down to irregular bleeding but I would say mostly my lack of libido. Seriously considering ditching the pill and switching back to condoms.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.