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My husband left me and I have no closure

(860 Posts)
Bones2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 16:14:27

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

mumndad37 Sat 11-Feb-17 16:57:15

Unfortunately, it is much more difficult to be the one who is left than to be the one who does the leaving. And he does not have to help you understand his reasons for leaving; you might not agree with him on this, and you might not agree that his reasons are "valid" but they are his reasons: not yours. We all have our own thoughts and feelings. It is sad when they are not shared in a marriage, but that could also be why you are splitting up.

IMO "closure" is a fiction. Many situations do not give us "closure". We just learn to live our lives despite them, which is what i suggest you do. Eventually, this usually leads to greater understanding all around.

flowers

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Sat 11-Feb-17 17:03:09

You might never get closure.
sorry. but sometimes they are never sorry and believe only their version of events.
Sounds like there's at least one OW.

i'll tell you what though - i'd take him to the fucking cleaners.
also - bide your time. this will all catch up with him.
and lastly - never, ever take him back.

CharlieBoo Sat 11-Feb-17 17:07:47

Agree with Joe.. I would say an OW is involved in things.. ultimately he's left his wife and 2 children, ask yourself deep down fo you want to be with a man who is capable of that? You and the dc will be fine, it's early days, you'll get there. Do you have any real life support? X

Bones2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 17:16:22

I've lost over 2 stone in weight. It's the worst feeling ever especially considering how he used to idolise me. I hate the thought of him being with someone else as he's only ever 'been with' me. But if that's what it is, I think I could accept this more. I'm not the type to compete.
He's upset every time he drops the kids off. And he seems reluctant for me to change much i.e. House and cars. But he was pushing for me to come off the joint account very soon and went completely cold and distant.
It's just all very sad and I feel like there's nothing beneath my feet. I've tried AD's and they floored me.
I just want to be happy again. And I'm still holding on to a lot of guilt and the feeling that there must be something wrong with me and that's why he's gone.
But worst of all, my kids. They are so innocent and I just didn't want this for them. X

Chaotica Sat 11-Feb-17 17:21:07

flowers Things will get better. It sounds like OW or prostitutes (because of the money). Sorry.

I know you didn't want to split up but it sounds like he has done you a favour. It is not your fault!

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 11-Feb-17 17:32:27

Of course there is another woman.

You need to feel in control of your life, that's what's making you feel lost.

Have a good look over your finances - income, essential outgoings; he's probably going to start dicking you about by withholding money pretty soon. He'll start to prioritise the rent on his place over the roof his children live under sad.

Go see a lawyer and start the process of divorcing him. Take charge.

tricornel Sat 11-Feb-17 17:43:20

Having read none of the replies - I would put a substantial amount of money on him cheating. I think, given the things you picked up on, that you know he was. The closure you want is the truth, but the truth lies in in the deceit. While you might never get the details you feel you need that you believe will give you closure, you have enough information from his actions / deceptions / behaviours to be sure enough that I think you can give yourself permission to tell yourself 'he left because he was cheating. He is a cheater. He cheated me and his family'.

Another thing I would put money on is that a few weeks / months down the line a 'new' woman will appear on the scene and he will try to stage it that it is a 'new' relationship. Possibly this will be the point that you can truly go 'aaahhhh'.

But what you've got is the situation as is now. Whatever the reasons - your marriage has broken down and for that I'm truly sorry - it's shit as fuck. I think desiring this closure (and if you ask me it's the very least you deserve from the wanker) is holding you back. I don't blame you for wanting answers, but I think in order to move forward you'll need to shelve it. Focus instead on your grief (for that's what it is). Work through it, cry, talk, scream, take all the help on offer from friends / family, ask for that help too. Be kind to yourself. And then, a few weeks, months, a year down the line, you begin the process of dusting yourself off. You will achieve a new 'normal'. Do things for yourself, get to know yourself all over again. It won't feel like it now - but you will be happy again. It's a long old road, but further down the line you won't give a shit for what he can offer you in terms of explanation. He may even try to crawl back, but you'll be able to happily tell him to get to fuck. I wish you all the best flowers

Bones2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 18:10:02

Thank you everyone. My suspicions have had me wondering if I was paranoid. But the fact that he's moving on so quickly tells me I may have been right all the long. After so long though. Heartbreaking 💔

Juveniledelinquent Sat 11-Feb-17 18:19:34

You poor thing flowers. It's a kind of grief that you're experiencing, as if he'd died, only worse.

Unfortunately, there's no easy way to feel better. You will feel shocked, angry, sad, disbelieving, numb and many other feelings, as you come to terms with what's happened. Time will heal you though, every day that passes is another day to feeling better.

Also getting support from your family and friends will help. I would suggest you go to counselling as well. Relate are brilliant and are there for you during times like this.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this shit, no one deserves to. You will feel better though and your life will go on. Your ex did not deserve you. x

Mermaidinthesea Sat 11-Feb-17 18:26:50

It's time to stop mourning him, he's left, he isn't coming back and soon he will start to get angry and resentful, he probably has another woman.
You primary goal is to secure your future, get a solicitor now and make sure you and the kids are secure.
There will be time to worry about the relationship when you and the children have security and enough money to live on.

Bones2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 18:30:11

Is there always another woman? Do you think what I've described are classic signs? X

Teepish Sat 11-Feb-17 18:32:40

There is another woman Op.

He went through your phone and got angry with you to try and deflect the guilt and blame he feels into you. Cowardly behavior.

Start making sure you are safe and secure financially asap - get a solicitor and get as clued up as possible.

You will become very, very strong. flowers

Bones2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 18:34:08

I'm still grieving the loss of him. I need to get angry with him I think. X

Chelazla Sat 11-Feb-17 18:39:03

10 weeks is such a short time, you've spent your whole adult lives together. Don't get mad, get organised. Be perfectly reasonable, keep things nice for kids but don't give his feelings a joy of consideration now. Sort yourself out practically and when all that's sorted then you grieve emotionally. You'll get through this opflowers

EpoxyResin Sat 11-Feb-17 18:45:56

Ugh, he doesn't want you to change too much? No, he doesn't want you moving on without him, he wants to keep you on hold. Not that he wants or intends to come back mind you, just so he continues to feel he could if he wanted to. A nice safety net until he's found out for sure whether the grass really is greener on the other side. Don't be his worm on a hook OP, if you want a new car get a new car! If your wanted to scrub him out of YOUR home completely, to make a clean break emotionally and set about a brand new life that would be totally fine, you're not answerable to a relationship anymore.

He's being a fool. If it's not one specific OW it's the thought of an OW, or another kind of life. But he wants it without the risk until he knows he can have it and it's as good as it looks. So he gets his space and you tear your hair out and wait? For as long as he keeps you asking why he keeps you from moving on. What a dick.

Thinkingofausername1 Sat 11-Feb-17 20:10:16

I agree there is another woman.

Bones2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 21:05:47

I never thought he'd ever do that to me. I've dismissed it so many times but I always come back to the same conclusion. It's hard to accept without concrete proof x

Hermonie2016 Sat 11-Feb-17 21:25:16

At the moment he is in the driving seat but you need to change that.Get legal advice (don't discuss it with him) and start to plan your life separate from him.
You are not to blame.He was just looking for a way to end the marriage.

He has emotionally moved on so is ahead of you but his grieving will come at some stage.By then you will have realised that you are better off without him.
I know that sounds easy to say but the man you thought you knew has gone.I know the feelings you have, my stbxh previously adored me and was replaced by someone callous and uncaring.It's so hard to recover but you will be happy again.

Livelovebehappy Sat 11-Feb-17 21:33:53

Definitely OW. The rough sex the night before he left was him disrespecting you, and wasn't done with love. Going through your phone and picking out random texts was him trying to deflect the blame onto you, giving him an excuse to detach from the marriage. And as other posters have said, in time a 'new' woman will come out of the woodwork, only she won't be new, but the person he left you for. It's very early days for you OP, you might need AD, and I know they do knock you out for the first couple of weeks until they stabilise. They really helped get me through the first 6 months. Be strong and don't under-estimate what he might be capable of. Get legal advice and lean on friends and family. You will have good days and bad days, but be kind to yourself; you don't deserve this OP, and although you might not think so at this moment in time, your life will eventually be so much better for him not being in it.

Bones2017 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:07:17

How do I begin to move on when I feel like such a failure in every respect? As a wife, mother and a woman?
I'm having to stay with my parents a lot for emotional support and the marital home lies empty. I want to be able to feel ok there on my own. Our house is 5 miles away from any of my family - we'd built our lives in his family's area. The kids school is there.
I have constant headaches and I'm googling everything. I can't shift the guilt that it's somehow my fault that he's gone.
I really want to be happier again and enjoy my life. But all just seems so bleak. X

Bones2017 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:26:12

And if he has found someone else, how would I eventually find out? And how long will he wait to unveil her? These questions drive me crazy. X

TheNaze73 Sun 12-Feb-17 10:40:17

OP, you need to focus on you & you alone. He's not going to necessarily "unveil" the OW, if indeed there is one. Gather your thoughts & get some legal advice, so at least the future is fair for you both

Aquamarine1029 Sun 12-Feb-17 13:58:08

There is absolutely another woman. Pull yourself together and get a lawyer NOW. Don't let your husband be the one who calls the shots. He's done enough damage already.

Mrscaindingle Sun 12-Feb-17 14:13:25

I have to echo what others have said, you may never get any 'closure' but one day you will simply not care as hard as that is to imagine at the moment.

Sounds like he has checked out emotionally and is following the classic cheaters script of blaming you for it.

Get as much real life support as you can, and go and get some legal advice, that will help you to feel more in control of the situation. Please don't let him take charge of the timescale for this and do what suits you. He has suited himself and has not considered anyone else.now it's time for you to do the same.

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