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Has anyone's divorce not been as bad as they thought it was going to be?

(12 Posts)
Perfectjob Sat 11-Feb-17 14:58:22

Has anyone instigated a divorce, terrified (as I am) of all the things that might happen, to then find it wasn't as bad as you had thought it was going to be?

Things I am scared of:

A horrible legal battle over property.

H hiding assets.

H's verbal temper and his making my life a misery while we are both in the same house.

His making the divorce as difficult as possible so that we have to live together for months.

The dc hating me.

The dc deciding to live with him all of the time.

Feeling devastatingly sad about all of it and / or having a nervous breakdown.

Being homeless and/or poor.

The dc being irreparably damaged and going off the rails.

And on and on.

Not all of these fears are rational. Partly it's the fear of a terrifying unknown.

Perfectjob Sat 11-Feb-17 15:02:38

I should add to the list:

An unfair settlement about which I am bitter for the rest of my days.

Mrskeats Sat 11-Feb-17 15:03:01

My DPs wasn't too bad.
Mine wasn't great but none of those things on your list happened.
You won't end up homeless because the priority for the courts is that everyone is housed esp if there are children involved.
The law is pretty straightforward really on division of assets, property etc
Your children won't hate you. You can't stay in a miserable marriage for them.

Perfectjob Sat 11-Feb-17 16:16:09

Thanks Mrskeats.

I still feel some odd kind of attachment to h and also fear feeling jealous of his future life without me confused. Even though he shows me no care, interest or affection (as well as being verbally abusive when he wants to be and then ostracising me for weeks - which I am now doing back confused because I have had enough) so why should I?

I feel very scared basically. But still in some kind of control because I haven't said anything to him. What will happen once the divorce monster is unleashed??

Perfectjob Sat 11-Feb-17 20:16:38

Just bumping blush.

I think the hardest thing will/would be separating while still feeling attached / betrayed. But I don't know how to stop feeling attached, even though the way things are between us is very dysfunctional.

Mrskeats Sat 11-Feb-17 20:42:28

How much does he know? He knows you are unhappy or that you want a divorce?
What's the situation with your housing ? Do you own or rent? Do you work?
Becoming unattached takes time I know.
Have you some support in real life?
Getting some proper legal advice will probably allay some of your fears.
The unknown is always scary flowers

Secretlife0fbees Sat 11-Feb-17 21:47:06

Sorry can't really advise OP as I am in the same position as you (on the wrong side of divorce!) stay strong. I'd say just take things one step at a time... try not to worry about things too far in advance

Duckiesprettycrazy Sat 11-Feb-17 22:41:01

Not as bad as I thought it would be, and I wish I'd done it earlier but I was too scared...

There was a bit of a battle, and it took a bit longer than I'd hoped, because he kept agreeing to things and then changing his mind. I had to compromise and focus on what was really important to me (keeping my house). He had assets hidden abroad but it was easier to accept that rather than getting in a fight over it. I knew he would never reveal the value of it so let him keep it. In the end I paid him all the money I had and took out a mortgage as much as I could afford so that I could keep my house. He has his pension and all the savings. He is the one who is bitter and thinks I have robbed him.
While we were married he told me that if we split up he would go and never see the children again. This didn't happen. He sees them briefly once a week - he is free to see them as much as he wants but makes excuses. He has never had them overnight. The children see him for what he is. They are (so far) well adjusted good kids. Far better than having a shitty example of a marriage as their standard.
The future is much brighter.

BlueFolly Sat 11-Feb-17 23:18:05

I was scared of a lot of the things on your list, and my ex threatened some of them. In the event he didn't follow through because he wanted to win me back and could see that being an arse wouldn't help his cause. So it was better than I thought it would be.

BillericayDuckie Sat 11-Feb-17 23:26:26

My divorce is dreadful. Has so far taken 3 years and cost me £15k and counting, as we still have the final court case to go.

My friend however had similar fears as you. She expected a protracted and expensive divorce, but breezed though it in a matter of months. Got everything agreed at the first court hearing, plus a better settlement than expected.

My advice would be to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario, then anything better will be a bonus.

Perfectjob Tue 14-Feb-17 09:29:29

Thanks all.

Sorry for not coming back to the thread sooner. It's all too hard to contemplate.

billericay and secretlife, I hope things get better for you soon flowers.

Fluffybrain Tue 14-Feb-17 09:42:33

Mine was fine and straightforward and done within 3 months. The attachment thing is natural and will gradually ease off until you feel nothing but relief and you'll be too busy getting on with your new life.

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