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(28 Posts)
jaicomp Sat 11-Feb-17 11:47:28


Man here.

no idea where to put the following post but I will put on this section in the hope of someone giving me your views.

Long story short:
1. separated for 20 months from wife (not seen or talked)
2. She instructed a jerk solicitor right from the start who was very unreasonable and playing games.
3. I was very reasonable at the beginning (I genuinely was with issues) and sent her several messages saying her approach is wrong, It was best to work between ourselves. My messages fell on deaf ears.
4. I instructed my own solicitors and played exactly the same game as her
5. matters got extremely ugly...i mean extremely ugly. Words such as police and criminal are being referred to (I haven't been arrested or investigated btw).
6. We are in court for finances
7, In short our situation is going to get even uglier for the next few months.

Now, once the legal matter is sorted I am assuming any chance of ever talking about relationship issues is over then? I mean it was a cold end - no talk nothing. I guess we will never see each other again i.e, if I am sick or she is sick we just wouldn't know weather we are dead or alive?

VikingVolva Sat 11-Feb-17 11:55:09

STBXW did nothing wrong in having legal advice throughout. Indeed it is sensible and prudent.

I am sorry that the divorce is being so difficult, for you both, but when it is then solicitors are really, really necessary.

A solicitor is highly unlikely to be talking in terms of a potential offence and the need for police involvement unless they have good grounds to do so. So that does suggest that something is very wrong and I hope that it can be dealt with.

VikingVolva Sat 11-Feb-17 11:56:22

And yes, it's over.

Unless you have DC together, there is no need for any further contact whatsoever. And possibly best that way.

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 12:00:31

She has sought legal advice and is following it. You should do the same.

As PP said unless there are children there is no need for further contact. If you try it could be seen as harassment so best just to move on.

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 12:03:22

You can report your post and ask for it to be moved to the divorce topic.
Unless you wanted to post on the feminism board to be goady hmm

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 12:03:26

You can report your post and ask for it to be moved to the divorce topic.
Unless you wanted to post on the feminism board to be goady hmm

jaicomp Sat 11-Feb-17 12:17:17

You are right - there are somethings I did wasn't exactly moral or legal, which I regret but she also did the same. As far as the solicitor - trust me in my case this wasn't necessary - nobody is stopping her from getting legal advise but instructing a solicitor to do the dirty work is only going to make matters worse, which it has.

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 12:20:47

Instructing a solicitor means she does not need to have direct contact with you. It is not dirty work it is sensible.

jaicomp Sat 11-Feb-17 12:33:43


1. All good well instructing a solicitor so she doesn't want direct contact with me. But, she is being hiding and lying on several aspects (won;t go into the details) - and obviously clearly scared of doing this to me in person, which is why she has instructed a solicitor (which is a con himself).

2, What is funny about this is she has taken me to court (should be the other way around) eventhough she has lying about several matters.

3. In anycase the truth will come out in court, but I very much doubt she is going to go all the way to trial as their is evidence that she has been dishonest,

4. given what I said from 1-3 it is unnecessary to instruct a solicitor wasting her money and my money. It should be done just a matter of sitdown, talk and finish off the matter rather than this contracted process. This is what I call amicable and atleast that way we part ways in good terms with no grudges held.

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 12:35:17

Why is she scared if you?

meditrina Sat 11-Feb-17 12:36:40

It's very sensible to use solicitors.

I really don't see why any reasonable person would have any difficulty with someone doing that. It's not a reflection of any opinion of you, it's simply a good way to get things done and done properly.

You say you have instructed a solicitor. That is also good. It's quite likely that the financial settlement and the child arrangement orders (if applicable) will proceed more quickly and with fewer hitches if both sides are listening to legal advice.

VikingVolva Sat 11-Feb-17 12:38:41

Yes, I can see the difficulties

And think it may well be better all round if this is heard in court.

You say she has started some sort of proceedings - do you have a date for that?

jaicomp Sat 11-Feb-17 12:49:27

In a month time after a year of called "so called negotiation" with solicitors. I must have offered mediation 100 times (even after court proceedings started). Two different answers in two days from solicitors.

day 1: Apparently she attempted mediation and I wasn't co-operative (when she never asked for mediation)
day 2: Their answer changed to doesn't feel comfortable mediating with me.

Which is the right answer day 1 or day 2? wasting my money and hers like I said.

I am not sure why her listening her to solicitor is a good thing - This is what I have been trying everyone to hear me out. My solicitors have work against his in the past - he is confrontational, argumentative, and my solicitor even said sometimes even he acts detriment to his own clients only for the matters to contract and agree at the last minute. Like I said she is trying her luck on how she can continue to lie and being dishonest.

Why the f* can't she see this? I self-represented myself at this beginning and not getting anywere and my lawers also tried and can't get anywere hence the matter is in court (although intiated by her)

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 12:52:34

You need to let it go. Who she pays to advise her is not your concern.

You sound very controlling tbh. Leave ut to the courts.

jaicomp Sat 11-Feb-17 12:52:52

anyway just realised the topic is moving towards talking about my current problems. With what I posted initially so any guess of us seeing or talking about anything in future is over then as you all said.....gutted with that when she was all I had for family.

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 12:53:14

Oh and i asked why is she scared of you? You didnt answer.

VikingVolva Sat 11-Feb-17 12:56:32

Who she pays to advise her is her business and only hers.

The more recent answer will be the correct one in terms of why mediation is not appropriate. If your solicitor is not getting the clarification you need, perhaps you need to change to a more experience one?

katronfon Sat 11-Feb-17 12:57:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Sat 11-Feb-17 12:58:53

She doesn't want to be married to you any more. She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want to see you.

It's sensible that she's retained a solicitor and it's frankly none of your business why she chose the one she did. She doesn't have to answer to you any more.

I am sorry that you are hurt, but you are looking for answers in the wrong places, and you still seem to assume that your STBXwife owes them to you, which she doesnt.

You need to build yourself a support system that doesn't involve her so you can move on.

VestalVirgin Sat 11-Feb-17 13:00:20

My guess is that he wants to make the feminism forum all about men.

And so far he has succeeded, getting so many replies in such short time. (Me, too, yes, sorry, but I did report the thread.)

I suggest that next time this happens we just report the thread and subsequently ignore it.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog Sat 11-Feb-17 13:12:06

I've just report the original post and sent the following to MNHQ
I suspect OP has inadvertently posted in the wrong section. Please could you move this to relationships where I'm sure he will get the support he needs.

Now where was that "disingenuous" emoticon?

VikingVolva Sat 11-Feb-17 13:14:48

That's not a biggie though.

No different from various TTC threads being posted in Pregnancy or Family Planning. Agree he'd get better advice in Divorce (or Relationships) and so hope he has listened to those who have suggested he gets it moved.

But it's not going to matter being here any more than any other misplaced thread anywhere on MN

RacoonBandit Sat 11-Feb-17 13:25:04

I also reported it to be moved but no joy from mnhq as yet.

LisaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 11-Feb-17 14:16:48

Just to let everyone know we're going to move this thread to Relationships.

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 14:27:10

Even in your posting style you sound aggressive. It's normal to use a solicitor. She's allowed to. She's allowed to give two different reasons for not wanting mediation - they're not contradictory. You said yourself it ended badly.
I can't say if she has been dishonest or not.
I can say that when something ends badly, you want a divorce, you don't want to see the person in mediation, that's all normal.
By not seeing that, you sound controlling and your posts make me uncomfortable.

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