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would you find this suspicious?

(25 Posts)
Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:59:44

A couple of years ago I discovered DP had a porn addiction. He'd lied about watching it and was watching it for hours each day. He was OTT with constant mauling me and sending me pics of him I didn't request or respond to. Yet when we DTD it was over in minutes - I presume from too much wanking over the porn. There were also a few flirty messages early on to other women and I know he enjoys attention as his ex cheated and so he likes validation that he's attractive.

Since I found out about the porn habit, he's changed his phone settings so it doesn't save any history. A couple of weeks ago I was sending myself a photo of the DC (under his supervision) and further down the camera roll I saw photos on our bed with the covers pulled back (I. E. ready to get in) another of him posing into the camera in bed and a third of him in his towel after the shower. He didn't send these to me. Would you be suspicious?

Thefishtankneedswater Sat 11-Feb-17 10:02:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyFuchsiaGroan Sat 11-Feb-17 10:02:42

Yeah I would be extremely suspicious. I have just left a partner after 5 years of putting me through this, constant photos and messages from other women. I honestly believed each time it would be the last but unfortunately in my opinion men who need that type of attention won't ever change.

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 10:05:53

Oh loving the excuse that he needs to court attention from others to feel attractive hmm
If that were even remotely true, the way to handle it would be therapy not flirting angry

I would assume he was sending pictures to women online.

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:07:10

The thing is, he doesn't really go out much or have hobbies but he could meet women through work I guess. He's said hello to a few recently when we've been shopping or whatever that I've never seen before. He's very protective over his phone.

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:08:00

I thought about women online too but with his face on seems extremely brazen.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Feb-17 10:08:52

I would also think he is sending photos to women online as wel.

Why are you and he together?. Why is your relationship bar so very low?.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your children?

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:11:51

To everyone else he's the model family man who doesn't go out but obviously they don't know the history.

Ilovecaindingle Sat 11-Feb-17 10:12:37

He is cheating. . Maybe not physically yet but cheating all the same. .

HaveCourageAndBeKind Sat 11-Feb-17 10:13:50

No, I wouldn't be suspicious. I'd be newly single.

He sounds utterly foul.

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 10:14:13

People think online is more anonymous than it is, they get carried away and let their guard down. Or - he doesn't care. Or - he crops the photos.

Thing is, porn use escalates, generally - like drugs (and research shows it activates the brain like drugs do) you need a bigger hit.

So moving from watching a video to interacting online with women isn't far fetched.

He's secretive with his phone and deletes his history. And has taken 'sexy photos' and has already told you he wants to flirt with other people to make himself feel attractive. And the sex is shit, all about him getting his rocks off.

If you've got anything positive to say about him, I suppose you could go for counselling...

But if he worth it?

You are certainly right to be suspicious. Come on, this isn't 'there might have been a slight smell of perfume' or 'he was 10 minute late home' territory. You know he's hiding his porn use and you know he's taking sexually motivated photos of himself. Counselling or dumping - but not ignoring.


theothercatpurred Sat 11-Feb-17 10:17:24

Of course he is sending the pictures to other women. There's no other explanation I can think of (except other men).

Be brave, find your backbone and start making choices for you. This relationship is not a healthy one.

It doesn't matter if no one else knows the truth about what he's like - you do, that's what matters.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Sat 11-Feb-17 10:28:06

I would bet cash money that it wasn't his ex doing the cheating.

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 14:15:41

But how do I prove anything without the existence of his phone history?

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 14:19:31

Ah, it took me a long time to learn this, and I've seen others go through this too.

You don't have to prove a damn thing.

It feels like you do, to yourself. Or for other people But you really don't.

Separate proof from your thoughts for a moment. Think about whether you want to continue in this relationship. If you don't, them I promise you that you're allowed to end this without any proof at all.

JigglyTuff Sat 11-Feb-17 14:24:37

But you do have proof. You have seen the photos on his phone. There is no reasonable excuse for him taking those photos unless he was sending them to another woman. None.

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 15:53:11

But we have several children and I'm pregnant. Everything else is mostly fine. I need proof for me to know I'm not turning my childrens lives upside down over nothing.

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 15:54:07

I imagine he'd say he was going to send them to me but didn't have signal or something jiggly

JigglyTuff Sat 11-Feb-17 16:01:09

Does he normally do that? Send you photos of the bed waiting for you?

You know it's bullshit but it's up to you if you're prepared to overlook it.

I would say though that if anyone was turning your children's lives upside down, it's him

Costacoffeeplease Sat 11-Feb-17 16:09:56

You don't need proof, you've seen the photos and I can't think of an innocent explanation, can you?

Also the protection of his phone and wiping his history? Dodgy as fuck

Huskylover1 Sat 11-Feb-17 16:34:55

Are these the kind of photo's that he sends you? If so, then I think it could be innocent, ie. taking 5 photo's and just sending you the one he liked the most. And I say this as someone who has been cheated on (by ExH), so I'm not niave.

I would feel uncomfortable, if he's overly guarding his phone though! The next time you go out, "forget" your phone and ask to borrow his. If there is any reluctance on his part, that would scream alarm bells to me. Or if you have no plans to go out "misplace" your phone, and ask to borrow his to call yours from (to locate it).

keepingonrunning Sat 11-Feb-17 17:44:17

But we have several children and I'm pregnant. Everything else is mostly fine. I need proof for me to know I'm not turning my childrens lives upside down over nothing.
I know exactly what you mean Harri. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this shit and make the awful decision whether to stay or go, feeling you will have to justify it to your DC one day. flowers

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 22:53:17

Yes they would be the kind of photos he'd send me, but he didn't and there was only one of each. Our DC and I were ill and I was up all night with them in the other room when the photo of him in bed was taken so he would've known sex wasn't on the cards.

SandyY2K Sat 11-Feb-17 23:09:46

So because he was cheated in, he goes and does something similar for validation and you accept thst as an excuse!

That he had no consequences for his flirting, has given him the green light to carry on with this. The secrecy with his phone is a giveaway that he's still likely to be watching the porn )which wouldn't bother me personally), but the additional issue, is thst his flirting is still goimg in and has ramped up.

But ask yourself this honestly. Even if you discovered he was sending pictures to other woman, what would you do? Would you really leave him? with several kids in tow.

Harrietta911 Sat 11-Feb-17 23:14:28

Yes I would leave him in a heartbeat if I discovered any dishonesty.

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