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What would this be called?

(26 Posts)
Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:35:46

I think after years of being told everything is my fault I've lost any sense of perspective. If I list H's behaviour could anyone point me in the direction of what to read up on online? Not that I realistically have any hope of changing his behaviour, we've agreed to separate, but would be interested if this is a pattern.

Made an effort socially in the early days, was generous, kind, good to be around
Bought a house together, all still fine
He didn't want children but then said he would rather do that than lose me
Pretty unsupportive during (twin) pregnancy. Loves the children dearly and them him but strict with them.
After the honeymoon days passed and I started to occasionally have a different opinion his temper became apparent - he's unable to control himself, at the slightest perceived criticism he shouts, swears, has on the odd occasion broken something, then storms out saying we need to divorce. This doesn't happen often as I know not to voice my opinion, sigh etc
He hates any social occasion meaning I feel very uncomfortable if we have people over or are invited out
Every Christmas or special occasion results in an argument, he says because I am stressed but I've come to realise it's him that stresses me, I loved socialising in the old days
He doesn't want to do anything at weekends apart from watch tv
Things have got worse since I've returned to work part time

When it's just everyday life it's fine, as long as I don't try and talk about something, tell him how I'm feeling, have a house full of people. However he can put on a good show and others don't realise what he's like.

What would you call this wise mumsnetters, please help me think clearly.

category12 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:41:50

Utter nobber?

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:44:28

Yes, I'd agree with you on that one. I think I'm trying to see if this is a common pattern of behaviour? He struggles with emotions, his parents divorced acrimoniously when he was very young and I found his father to be a bit bullying in his treatment of others.

ForAllWeKnow Sat 11-Feb-17 09:44:39

Being a twat.

PaperdollCartoon Sat 11-Feb-17 09:46:14

I don't think there's a word for it, other than being a twat. Are you trying to diagnose him with something?

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:47:59

I'm trying to understand why, and despite saying we're separating I thing deep down I still hope that things could change, and understanding him would be the first step there. Not that he is willing to change or even think about seeking help.

Ellapaella Sat 11-Feb-17 09:48:32

He is a twat but it's also emotionally abusive if you feel that you cannot voice your opinions for fear of reprisal and an angry outburst. Are you thinking of leaving him? It doesn't sound like a very happy life.

Mumteedum Sat 11-Feb-17 09:48:36

Whether you can put a name on it or not, it is clear you are both unhappy. Separating is a positive move. My ex could /can put on a show but the other side of him hidden from public. Not uncommon. My friend has gone through this too.

Im wondering if you are asking this so you feel some validation for splitting up? Abuse or not, it is OK to say his behaviour isn't acceptable and your happiness is important.

Ilovecaindingle Sat 11-Feb-17 09:50:06

Sorry but some men are just beyond comprehension...
At your admission he isn't willing to change or even think about seeking help.
Flogging a dead horse springs to mind. .

fuzzywuzzy Sat 11-Feb-17 09:50:57

He's abusive
He's a bully

Bet when he's out of your life you'll be amamzed by how clam and relaxed you become.

Cricrichan Sat 11-Feb-17 09:51:33

He's controlling and emotionally abusive. Like you say, the only times he's fine is when you adjust your behaviour or comments to something that you know he'll be happy with. As soon as things don't go his way, he's moody and spoils things for everyone.

Nothing that you want to do is unreasonable. Having a social life and working is perfectly normal and healthy. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable because of it. I'd continue without adjusting my behaviour for him and if he carries on behaving that way then sit him down and tell him that it's make or break.

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:52:29

We are planning on splitting up, started talking about it properly this week, he's in spare bedroom. I feel sad because life could potentially be so good, we have amazingly lovely children, a beautiful home, good careers (although I'm currently only part time) so the future could be positive. But yes, we are both frequently unhappy and I feel as though I'm treading on eggshells around him, I can't remember the last time he was positive about anything.

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:00:43

Thank you for your thoughts everyone. Wish I'd asked the question users ago. And yes, when I picture the children and myself in a house without him it makes me smile. I'll use that image to get me through the grotty bits.

Mumteedum Sat 11-Feb-17 10:04:49

Of course you are sad. I still get sad. You're coming to terms with a loss. The future you thought you were going to have. Separating means life will be different. Staying doesn't mean you get the future you wanted either. He has to want that and be willing to work at it.

TheNaze73 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:10:07

I think it's just sad. Neither of you seem happy & whilst you think it could be good, it's never going to be & you know it. Think you're doing the right thing op

SmellySphinx Sat 11-Feb-17 10:10:34

Truthfully? Seems like there was always going to be some issue down the line when you say he didn't want children but agreed to have them so he didn't "lose you". Not for a moment am I saying that his behaviour is acceptable but you obviously know this and I think you're doing the right thing splitting up, the both of you should try to co parent as best you can. The only other thing to do if you think you're stuck in a rut would be to separate, not divorce? You do so so very weary sad xx I clumsily wrote a load of other stuff was but tripping over my words and rambled! So keeping it short

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:10:52

Yes, he's told me categorically that this is him and he won't change. I suspect he's been depressed for years, probably since before we met, but he would rather divorce, have much less time with the children (financially I'd have to move 45 minutes away to be able to afford somewhere decent to live), be left with very little for himself than go to the dr and try antidepressants. In a nutshell we're not worth that to him.

SmellySphinx Sat 11-Feb-17 10:11:26

Sorry (dur blush ) just noticed you did wrote separate not divorce

Hillfarmer Sat 11-Feb-17 10:14:49

It is sad when you know life could be so good, but for....him...that 's what I held onto for ages until I realised that the 'but' was completely unchangeable, massive and it sets the tone for your whole life, and that of your dcs. Not good.

It is very awful, but he is controlling and abusive and you absolutely cannot change him or stop it. Also, I spent years trying to analyse why, why, why -thinking that if I only worked out the 'why' then I could solve the case. Well, i wasn't Hercule Poirot and there is no smoking gun - it' fruitless.

The best thing you can do on that front is read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that' to understand that you are not alone and that your abusive H fits into at least one of the useful 'Abuser Profiles' contained in the book. You get to reaslise that the 'Why' is not the right question.

The best question for you is 'how shall I build a happy, secure unit of three people' for you and the dcs. You will be far better at doing this without this contillibg joy-sucker out of your home.

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:16:09

Yes, I've suggested he take a flat while we sort everything out, it won't be a quick process. We could just about afford it but he wants to remain at home and get some more money together. I think if I insisted he would go, he realises that the children come first and I don't wAnt them surrounded by all this. Also I'm not sure I could cope with him around, I am very weary at the moment and it's taking all my strength to keep cheery when the children are around and keep work and everything going. I do have amazing friends but don't want to ask too much of them.

Hillfarmer Sat 11-Feb-17 10:17:07

Sorry so - controlling

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:17:22

Joy sucker sums it up. Am resetting the book, thank you.

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 10:17:40


SmellySphinx Sat 11-Feb-17 10:22:52

Hey! Lean on your friends a little more, that's what they're for at times such as this wink

Confusedandbefuddled2017 Sat 11-Feb-17 18:37:55

He's changed the code on his phone, neither of us have done that since we met. I've never felt the need to check until now but we've always just used each other's phones... Why does that make me feel sick to my stomach? I think I'm still hoping all can be well. I wish I didn't care.

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