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Is it normal for a parent (dad) to have a court order to see his children separately?

(16 Posts)
Kitkatchunkie Sat 11-Feb-17 07:45:24

Just that really. Started seeing a new man and discovered this and wondering why he has to see the two kids separately

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 07:49:13

Well, why does he say?
I wouldn't date anyone I didn't feel comfortable saying "that's unusual - how come?" too?

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 07:49:20


GrumpyInsomniac Sat 11-Feb-17 07:53:34

I think it's unusual enough that I'd ask him whether that was at his request or his ex's, and show some interest in how that works and how he feels about it. Be open and interested and listen carefully to what he tells you.

If it's at his request, I'd probably be running a mile, personally, as that sounds potentially quite unfair on his ex, and leopards, spots, etc. But it all depends on how it came about.

Kitkatchunkie Sat 11-Feb-17 08:06:12

He's quite private and don't feel comfortable asking. I don't think it's at his request. He seems to miss them a lot and goes up to visit often

GrumpyInsomniac Sat 11-Feb-17 08:12:37

Well, he's the only person who can tell you what's going on. He may be a private person, or he may be secretive, and that's not the same. And by the same token, he may be genuinely sad at the situation, or he may be playing for sympathy.

And tbh if you don't ask now and just accept the situation without question, you may never get to hear the truth. If he's genuinely a decent guy, there's no problem with that. But if not, you could find yourself kicking yourself in a few years time for not asking a simple question.

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 08:31:53

What do you actually mean by a court order? You mean that his ex and he couldn't agree?

TBH, I think that's a red flag. Before I get jumped on, yes there are times when it is necessary and one person is not at fault. But it's enough to raise an antennae for me, if two parents don't agree access without a court stepping in.

My friend has two kids and as they've got older, she and her ex have agreed some time when they have one child each - it's nice for the kids to have 1:1 time and I think that can be harder in a one parent family who doesn't have a full 7 days a week to make that happen in.

But to exclusively see only one child at a time and for it to be court ordered...

You know, dating is getting to know someone. Although you don't get to be the Spanish Inquisition, something that fundamental is an important part of their life - I can't imagine not asking, just as I'd want to get to know them.

If they were too private (as PP said - secretive?) they just wouldn't be for me.

How long have you been seeing him that you don't feel comfortable asking?

Sounds like you have the gut feeling that it won't reflect well on him.

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 08:34:23

Long shot: the kids have different mothers and he's trying to hide from you that he has had not one break up including children, but two.

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 08:34:46

But, no point in me guessing really - you should just ask him.

EmilyRosanne Sat 11-Feb-17 08:52:08

Do both DC have the same mother?

Could you just casually ask why? If you feel you can't or he is too 'private' about it then that would be a massive red flag to me.

Do you know much about how and why they broke up?

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Sat 11-Feb-17 09:02:34

The likeliest reason is that each DC has a separate mother.

But it's also possible that one DC poses a risk to the other, and that they live separately so he has to see them separately.

Garnethair Sat 11-Feb-17 09:05:29

Children in separate foster placements perhaps?

Hermonie2016 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:15:27

Definitely ask, if he's mentioned it then it's weird for the follow up reason not to be discussed.

I would also caution that "private" could mean hiding information.My stbxh didn't discuss his first marriage breakup which at the time I didn't press for details, and felt the information would naturally come at a later stage.I now felt he was hiding information, it's a red flag.

Lweji Sat 11-Feb-17 09:20:52

Quite honestly, if you're not comfortable asking and if he doesn't want to answer, do you see a future in the relationship?

He doesn't have to tell you details of his previous life but this very much affects his current life.

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 09:32:17

If I found out a man/woman had 2 kids in foster care placements I'd want a damn good reason why they weren't with the parent I was dating, to even consider continuing to date them.

Bant Sat 11-Feb-17 15:18:10

Yeah, this sounds weird. If it's the same mother to both of his DC, then presumably they're together when they're with her.

If they're older and need time with just one parent at a time, surely that wouldn't be court ordered?

The most obvious answer is that it's different mothers.

But most important of all, if you don't feel comfortable asking him about something so fundamental, why are you in a relationship with this man? What else is he 'private' about? His job? His mum? His criminal record?

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