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My ex it's just the gift that keeps on giving...

(10 Posts)
amammabear Sat 11-Feb-17 00:32:40

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for with this post, I think it's just a rant to be honest. My entire life is just crashing down around me. I don't know if anyone remembers my previous threads, we split up in August, since then he's messed around with the child maintenance and been less than reliable with visits among other things.

I'm having to do everything with the divorce to save him money, including making financial concessions so that he won't fight anything.

Most recently, he's been telling people that I've had an affair and turning them against me. I don't know who I can trust anymore and I'm falling apart. Then last weekend he told our daughter he was going on a date, she of course didn't say much about it to him, but saved up all her worries for me. Quizzed me about having a stepmum, that she's scared she can't live with me anymore or conversely that daddy won't have room for them to visit anymore etc...

He then bothered to inform me the day of the date, to which I told him it was too late, but of course he thinks I'm making everything up about dd's worries in order to have a go at him. I couldn't care less if he's dating but it shouldn't affect the kids like that.

Since then she's apparently already his gf. They're spending the weekend together, and Valentine's day. And he's immensely pleased that he's found someone so much better than his me because the kids need a decent role model which apparently I'm not.

I'm utterly devastated. I don't know where to turn, it just feels like everyone's turned against me and everything is crashing down. I feel completely and utterly useless.

God I hope this poor woman knows what she's getting herself info. sad

Angrybird123 Sat 11-Feb-17 08:00:45

Hey...just wanted to.lend a hand hold.. this process is awful and ther are definitely dips and troughs that you call into unexpectedly, even when you think you are riding high and over the worst. This new development will be tough but please ignore anything he says about her being better or whatever. Don't even go as far as to argue or protest and absolutely don't tell him it upsets you. " that's nice ' should be your only response.

Your dd will use you as the sounding board - the unfairness is that it is so often the case that the parent who causes the split (ow in my case) gets the fun weekend Disney stuff and the other parent gets the full time care plus the emotional fall-out. It's because they know that you are the 100% stable, to be trusted parent so that can 'risk' going through it all with you.

As for the've not said what the surrounding situation is but don't feel you have to pay more than half of court fees and each pay your own solicitor.

Generally overall, just hang in there, one day at a time. Keep posting on here and don't get sucked into any games. My ex and ow are getting married with my dd as bridesmaid (she's too young to realise the screaming inappropriatness and i don't want to spoil an exciting thing for her) . Since I stopped reacting angrily to anything he said about her or 'them' it's like I've taken the ground out from..under him and he cant use it as leverage. He needs to become utterly inconsequential, whatever he does is up to him, doesn't affect you. Good luck x

Ellisandra Sat 11-Feb-17 08:45:19

The girlfriend thing is hard but there's nothing you can do about it. (he's an arsehole to make comments about role models, but you know this)

What you can do something about is stop making bloody financial concessions so he'll play nicely.

Newsflash, and sorry to be brutal (I hope you see this as it is intends! I'm looking out for you) this man will be a cunt to you whatever the financial settlement

So - better to come away with an arsehole ex and the money you're entitled to, than with an arsehole ex and less money.

Forge on with the divorce.
Stop making concessions!
Get the CMS on his waste of space arse.
Keep being the support to your daughter that you are.
Recognise that anyone who believes his affair shite isn't worth staying friends with, and anyway there are no public floggings for it so - whatever, areshole!
Practise water off a duck's back re the girlfriend
Cut out the line of communication he's using to tell you this shit, if you can

And... breathe. See how wonderful it is to be free of this piece of shit?!

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 11-Feb-17 09:02:34

Your DD kept her worries to discuss with you because you are the parent she trusts and relies upon. She knows your Ex will dismiss her. This is a really good thing, hold on to that and take heart in what a wonderful relationship you have with her.

Froginapan Sat 11-Feb-17 09:21:51

Ugh - I empathise.

There's a group of us in a thread here on the relationships board: Help for those co-parenting with a Narc.

We practise being Grey Rocks, drink wine, eat cake and are formulating our own cleaning brand: Narc-Away for the removal of ground in Narcs.

Patchouli666 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:25:08

Agree with pp, don't bend over backwards for an amicable divorce. He is being a twat already and you are doing everything to calm him. The one way of ensuring a good life is to take him for all you are rightfully due. And it's the one way in years to come that you will have a house / flat that is big enough to host family for Christmas. They won't just have to go to him because you made it easy for him to afford a place big enough for large family gatherings. Even if they'd prefer to come to you. And you can bet, he won't feel sorry for you on your own and ask you to join them.

BonnyScotland Sat 11-Feb-17 11:51:26

Focus on your divorce and your daughter .... close your eyes and ears to the Ex.. he's your EX for a reason x

amammabear Sat 11-Feb-17 12:07:31

Thank you all so much- I never expected to get any replies, you've made me cry! Again... sad

We've got two younger ds as well as the ten year old dd. He's been goading her by text this morning, and her interpretation was that he was telling her to go out on her own- she wanted to go into town. I've compromised by saying that actually I needed her to go to the local shop to get a loaf of bread. I'm furious though.

Angrybird123 Sat 11-Feb-17 13:47:59

I did absolutely everything my ex wanted me to regarding pretty much everything post -split including allowing my kids to see him with ow etc. 2 years in he still v obviously hates me, resents anything good that happens for me and slags me off quite a lot to whoever will listen. (Not many people actually - most of them are pretty horrified at him walking out on his kids). It won't help so you might as well get tough with him. I desperately tried to keep things amicable but he refuses / refused so now I settle for icy civility ☺

amammabear Sun 12-Feb-17 00:15:34

As soon as I get that certificate in my hand, it will all change. The problem is, if he doesn't agree the divorce (and consent order) then I'm either trapped married to him or forced into huge solicitors fees in order to force it. I just can't bear that, I need it over.

But we're getting there. I should have the nisi any day now, the consent order is going to him from the solicitor in the next couple of days ready to be sent as soon add I have the nisi... Then it's just the six weeks.

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