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Extremely hurt and angry at ExP. What now?

(26 Posts)
IsabellaTrout Fri 10-Feb-17 13:34:22

I posted on here a while ago regarding mine and my Ex-partners relationship problems. In a nutshell, we were a couple in our early 20s, our sex life was non-existent after the birth of our son due to various excuses he would give (I'm not his type, he's tired, he doesn't like female bits). He would also watch porn on a near daily basis and not even attempt to initiate sex with me, nor respond if I would try with him. For 2 years I would spend hours researching ways to help our relationship, taking him to sex therapy, going on forums. I basically dedicated my life to trying to help him. In the end I chalked it up to him being asexual or something of the sort.

Anyway, we have been separated for about 3 months now. I am seeing someone new, I am happier than ever but have some trust and intimacy issues due to his behaviour. He came over today and we got chatting as friends, to which he told me he had been seeing someone new. I was pleased that he had moved on, until he told me that they had slept together the first night they met. Now I am not upset that he slept with someone else, nor that he has moved on. What upsets me is that he didn't have sex with me for 2 years, made so many excuses, and now this women he met on the first date he had sex with.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. It hurts me that the one thing I wanted for 2 years he would make so many excuses for, and yet he jumped into bed at the first opportunity with someone else. I feel like I am so unattractive because my body isn't perfect anymore after childbirth.

I just feel so hurt and upset. I feel like I have wasted precious years of my life, wondering why he couldn't be honest with me, and how I am ever going to trust a man again. I know this sounds ridiculous and I shouldn't even care, I am happy our relationship is over, but this revelation has really hit me hard.

noego Fri 10-Feb-17 13:45:51

If its true!!

WatchingFromTheWings Fri 10-Feb-17 13:49:41

I'd be inclined to think he's just having sex with her 'for now' and he'll be likely to follow the same path as he did with you. I wouldn't worry about him, just get on with enjoying your new relationship.

EmilyRosanne Fri 10-Feb-17 14:05:21

Do you think he could just be trying to get one over on you and make you jealous/upset?
I'd find it really odd if my ex told me when he slept with someone else hmm
I do know how you feel though as I'm recently seperated and we very rarely had sex (also seemingly triggered by DC2s arrival), he would go to bed later than me on purpose, if I tried to kiss him he would turn it into more of a peck and id often get the cold shoulder of being tired if I tried it on. It does hit your confidence particularly after having DC, it has come out now that he was in a great deal of (hidden) debt and problems at work so I wonder if that contributed to it but either way I just try to put it in the back of my mind and remind myself that what he does now doesn't affect me.

Huskylover1 Fri 10-Feb-17 14:05:21

He's lying!

I can't believe that you fell for it.

It's so obvious that he wants you to think that he no longer has a problem.

Probably due to being annoyed that you have a new Partner, and him imagining all the fulfilling sex you are now having, that he could never give you.

HarmlessChap Fri 10-Feb-17 14:06:08

Focus on this bit
I am seeing someone new, I am happier than ever

Your ExP stopped fancying you, I understand its upsetting but that was something which happened to him rather than you, don't dwell on why, that part of your life is over.

Concentrate on the fact that you have someone new who does fancy you and try to avoid letting past insecurities affect your current relationship.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-Feb-17 14:52:47

Firstly I don't think it was nice of him to tell you, (if it's true that is). Tmi! I am sure you don't give chapter and verse on your new dp.

Secondly you persevered for a long time although his regular use of porn must have been disheartening.

Remember some people just want to tear us down so their own deficiencies get overlooked.

This might be a figure of speech
I basically dedicated my life to trying to help him but sounds like you were doing all the hard work out of loyalty and fear that your new family would distegrate. I don't think you would fall for that again.

He stopped intimacy and gradually detached emotionally so the kindest thing on his part would have been to be honest and say upfront he wasn’t sexually attracted to you any longer. He diverted that energy elsewhere. (He may at some level even have liked wielding power in seeing you upset and trying extra hard to coax him round).

None of that means you were inadequate in some way. He is the father of your DC(s) so you are going to have in your life for some time to come but don't dwell on that side of life with him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-Feb-17 14:53:22

disintegrate.

Chloe84 Fri 10-Feb-17 15:09:52

He's lying. He's trying to make you the think the problem was with you, not him.

Chops2016 Fri 10-Feb-17 15:10:41

I also think he's just saying this to try and make your jealous and/or save face as you have moved on and doesn't want to be the one who hasn't. He will have known this would easily press your buttons.

c3pu Fri 10-Feb-17 15:27:38

It doesn't matter what the problem was. What matters, is that it is no longer your problem.

You have new bloke. Fuck him senseless and then think about how great it is not to be with your ex.

AnyFucker Fri 10-Feb-17 15:36:21

Are you certain his new squeeze is female ?

Adora10 Fri 10-Feb-17 15:41:50

I also wonder if he's perhaps `came out` now.

IsabellaTrout Fri 10-Feb-17 16:04:57

She is definitely female, from what he has said.

It feels good to vent about it. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time on trying to help him, and if he was no longer sexually attracted to me I wish he could've just been up front. I was miserable for a long time and put all my energy into trying to help him. I feel angry that I was basically duped into a relationship with him at the beginning. I don't even feel like I know the real father of my child.

One of the most anger inducing things is at the same time as telling me this, he also thanked me for all the time & effort I had given him over the course of our relationship, because I made him realise a lot about himself. angry

I am going to concentrate on myself and my son and try not to let my insecurities get in the way of my new relationship.

AnyFucker Fri 10-Feb-17 16:41:58

"From what he has said" .... hmm.

Anyway, like pp have said it doesn't matter now. I presume he deigned to shag you at the beginning of your relationship then gradually withdrew once he had you fooled you were in a normal relationship. He will do the same to her (if it is a woman, if she even exists blah blah)

SandyY2K Fri 10-Feb-17 17:59:18

I'm sorry to say, but I don't buy his tales at all. He's trying to make it seem like it was you with the problem and trying to make you jealous.

You need to stand tall and be confident in yourself and exuberant happiness when you see him. If he talks about anyone he's seeing, just say "good for you".

I've never engaged in that sort of conversation with an Ex, so I do question his true motives for saying that to you. Don't you think it's strange? He could have just said he's seeing someone and left it at that.

It's more of a streak in him, that you failed to see while you were with him.

You'd do better to not engage in any deep conservation with him, in a polite way.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Fri 10-Feb-17 18:02:12

Did he really say you weren't his type when you asked for intimacy OP?

confused

Why was he in a relationship with you then? What an awful thing for you to hear.

Focus on your relationship with your DP.

IsabellaTrout Fri 10-Feb-17 18:10:25

Yes he did really say that, I should have ended things then. I am too much of a fixer person, always trying to help people until the end even when they don't deserve it.

I am not sure why he told me really, it was very random. He's not a manipulative or nasty person, I think he just said it in a very flippant way because he doesn't have much empathy or understanding of others. I will only be engaging in conversations about our DS in the future.

I am well rid.

AnyFucker Fri 10-Feb-17 18:17:04

Yes well rid

And he doesn't like lady parts

Heterosexual men love lady parts

BlueFolly Fri 10-Feb-17 18:29:01

just wish I hadn't wasted so much time on trying to help him

Lesson learned, you can't fix people. Don't try to do that in your next relationship.

if he was no longer sexually attracted to me I wish he could've just been up front

It sounds like he was if he was saying that you wern't his type. Not having sex with someone is pretty much de facto saying that you're nit attracted to them.

I'm sure you don't share details of your sex life with him, so just shut him down the next time he tries this.

flatfootedfrump Fri 10-Feb-17 20:12:58

You say you have trust and intimacy issues due to his behaviour. Do you think you may have had some anyway? Are you sure didn't chose him because you didn't have to get too close? I say this as someone with two friends that settled for blokes that maybe needed fixing" . In truth one wanted to be married more than anything and one a child. Both have also seperated from second husbands now.
Under the circumstances they have what they wanted but I think you need to be totally honest with yourself about what sort of men you fancy and why.
As another thought you say he went off you after the birth. Was it particularly gory? I can see why someone might not fancy lady bits after seeing them go through the ringer....
You have only been apart 3 months so I'm sure you have a way to go before you truly get over him do be kind to yourself.

Surreyblah Fri 10-Feb-17 22:12:12

You made some bad decisions staying with him when he treated you so badly. not trusting other men because of one, when you stayed despite plenty of evidence it was not going to work out, is illogical.

Let's assume he's straight and being truthful about having had sex straightaway: not surprising that a man frequently using porn would do that and then tell his ex. Indicates a lack of respect for women.

MakeItRain Fri 10-Feb-17 22:34:28

Men who are addicted to porn can become completely uninterested in "normal" sex with their partner, because it isn't like the sex they're watching constantly. They don't perceive women in the same way as others do, so there's less or no emotional connection.

They can become excited by a new partner because at first she's unknown and therefore she can be a fantasy figure. I would guess that once he gets to know her and realises she's a normal woman after all he'll go off her in the same way he did you. (I'm not arguing this always happens but it's really common in porn addicts.)

IsabellaTrout Sat 11-Feb-17 08:55:10

flatfootedfrump - I had very few insecurities really, before I met him. I had a great sexual partner prior to him, although I was young when that relationship occurred. He always had a problem with lady bits, even prior to me giving birth.

MakeItRain - This makes a lot of sense actually. He used to compare my body to porn stars too and make comments about how I looked 'strange'. sad He also used to talk a lot about how he felt very lustful at the beginning of our relationship and had lost excitement for it.

I need to stop seeing this as being a personal thing against me and start seeing it as a problem that is with him. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time, in hindsight I should've ended it years ago, but at least I have the knowledge that I tried absolutely everything to make it work for our DS. Same can't be said for him.

category12 Sat 11-Feb-17 09:40:05

It's not you, it's him. It was always him.

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