Not really AIBU but response better on here!

[tigercub50]

Does anyone have experience of living with someone that is mentally ill or you suspect that it is highly likely that they are? I have posted about various things to do with my DH before & quite a few people responded that they thought he sounded abusive/controlling. There have been problems right from the beginning but it's got worse lately. The idea of depression came up. We were due to go to couples counselling but my husband refused right at the last minute, saying that as he seemed to be the cause of most of the problems, he needed to sort his head out first. He didn't handle telling me this very well at all ( which is typical) but at least he admitted he needed help & he now has a doctors appt. The trouble is, I am doubting that he will go. He was extra nice to me all week before the counselling then turned on me. He has been extra nice this week & has said in passing that he is not sure he needs to see anyone as he feels ok now. He has said loads of times over the years that he is trying to change but it never happens. He can't change without help. I actually think he behaves more like someone with a personality disorder than with depression - it is often like living with 2 different people. The anger for no reason is the worst plus if I tell him his behaviour has upset me, that seems to anger him more. All of it affects me but I am trying to protect our 8 year old DD. If it was all the time I would have left but he can be so lovely. I am thinking of ringing Mind or Sane for advice but if anyone on here has any, it would be so welcome.

[Schwifty]

Much experience, although without dc. Sorry to hear of your experiences. I'm fairly new to the site but if it's possible for you to pm me (not sure how it works) I'd be happy to help if I can

[Schwifty]

Bump... anyone?

[Chloe84]

He sounds abusive. If he won't get help to change, then you have to leave him, for your and your DD's sake.

I would post this in Relationships - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships , lots of help available there.

[user1485380732]

I agree with pps too - this is not a healthy relationship for your DD to grow up seeing & accepting as OK to tolerate. For your own & her sakes, leave. How exhausting too, like walking on eggshells to never know how he is going to be/react. Good luck

[SomeonesRealName]

I have experience of living with someone abusive and expending so much mental energy trying to figure out what was causing it and how it could be fixed but getting nowhere. Trying to get couples counselling is something I spent a lot of time on and it would have been a disaster - don't go there with an abusive person. Supporting him through individual counselling and anger management had no long term effect (not even sure he actually went). You can really get trapped in a narrative that they are this anguished person in pain and suffering, and you are a strong, compassionate person who loves them so much and can help them. It's hard to walk away from it all - so many sunk costs.

[SomeonesRealName]

Report your post and ask for it to be moved to Relationships OP.

[tigercub50]

How do I report it?

[SomeonesRealName]

Click on the three little dots at the bottom right hand corner and then click report and explain that you would like the thread moving to relationships - there is a lot of expertise and experience on there 💐

[haveacupoftea]

He's not mentally ill, he's a knob and depression is a convenient excuse. Chuck him out.

[CarolineMumsnet]

Hello. The OP has been in touch - we have agreed to move this thread over to relationships.

[SomeonesRealName]

Hi OP well done for getting the thread moved you should get good advice in here. It sounds like your partner is using aggressive behaviour as a way to control you - punishing you if you behave in ways he doesn't like such as challenging his behaviour by saying it upsets you. I would suggest ringing Women's Aid rather than Sane or Mind - their number is 0808 2000 247.

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

Did he go to counselling on his own?

Abusers keep their partners for so long because they switch it on and off. It dorsnt make him any less abusive.

Can you leave?

[NameChange30]

He is abusive and it's unlikely that he has depression. If he does it may be a factor but it's not the cause of his abuse and certainly not an excuse for it.

Couple's counselling is not recommended when there is abuse so you dodged a bullet there tbh. It's not surprising either that he promised to get help and has now gone back on it.

Read these links:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles - these are extracts from "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft which I strongly recommend you read as well.

Someones is right; it would be best to call Women's Aid. And is there anyone you could talk to in real life who would be supportive; a close friend or family member?